But, I am not.
That is OK, right?
I feel an odd sense of calm. I wake up every morning easily, after a peaceful night’s sleep. I don’t feel forced to do anything. I am not pressed for time. Just free to simply be. This is strange though, because for once, there is no guilt. For once I am not feeling helpless. There is a little flicker of hope growing in my heart.
For the last couple of days I have filled each minute with writing, updating my blog, listening to music and helping out around the house. I enjoy taking care of my family.
Yes, it is still weird not having a definite direction. But I think that for now I have to come to terms with it. I will start looking for something to do. Something light and fun. And I will start trying to do the things that I have never found the time to do before.
I am hesitant to start looking at my future options. I saw a new psychologist today. The session was basically filled with me telling her about everything that has led me to my current situation. She wanted me to fully realise that everything I have been through is quite a lot for a 23 year old to have had to deal with. And she thinks that I have been handling it all very well. I felt strong telling her everything. I was not sad or tearful. I am proud of how far I have come. I am proud of the resilience that I have built up over the past few years.
Therapy is still so strange for me. I am not sure whether to see her again or not. What more can we speak about? But a follow up session probably will be a good idea. I am afraid that I will start avoiding stuff and go back down that dark road again. I still haven't told people here at home that I am back. It's difficult because we haven't really kept in contact over the past 5 years. J* is the only person that I have made effort to see whenever I come home. But even this relationship is not what it once was. I know that I should tell her soon. I can't hide at home forever.
Writing helps. Getting lost in my thoughts and putting them all down on paper. I can release the emotions. Set them free so that they have no power over me. I can me in control of the narrative, but I can also just simply let the words lead me to conclusions still to be realised.