Monday, 31 December 2012

Goodbye 2012!


2012 has been filled with lots of growth, both spiritual and emotional. I'm not yet where I want to be, but I thank God that I'm not where I used to be. So instead of stressing about how things haven't worked out completely for me and my family, I'll be thankful for all the changes and blessings of 2012.

Over the past year I have overcome some of my fears and God has shown me over and over again that nothing is too big for Him to solve. I have been surrounded by people that have been a blessing in my life and I am grateful each day for their support and the faith that they have in me.
I've learnt that sometimes it’s really easy to get stuck in a bad place and end up depressed and without hope, but if you take a step back, you may find that the solution to all your problems is just around the corner.

It’s not easy to maintain positivity. And it’s ok to wallow in self-pity for just a little while, but the longer you stay down, the harder it is to get back up again. 

Just let the past be the past, and focus on the things that bring light in to your life. I’ve been hurt too many times now to still be hung up on the things that I can’t change any more and to keep worrying about the way other people feel all the time. Sometimes, it is just best to let things go. People included.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Unsent Letter: Your ex

Dear Guji,

I know that its been many months now, 
but from the bottom of my heart, 
i just want to wish you happiness. 
May you be true to yourself 
and find the love that you are looking for. 

Rainbow

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Freedom

I want to be independent; and free to do my own thing. Go where I want to go, do what I need to do. With nothing to hold me back.

But it seems a little difficult sometimes. I think that I’m afraid of the big bad world; afraid to take risks; to jump without a safety net. I’m alone here. Who will come to my rescue if something happens? Who will be here to catch me if I fall?

Yea, I know it kind of defeats the purpose of wanting to be independent. I know that I will always have my family, but right now they are far away. It is a little intimidating to just brave the cold and plunder forth, but living under a shell is not much fun either.

Every year I tell myself that it will be different. I'll try new things, go out, be adventurous, and meet new people. But I never seem to get around to it. There is always one excuse or another. Either the timing doesn’t seem to be right, or I feel that I should rather be saving money. 

Sometimes I wish that I had a simpler life. Filled with all the things that my heart desires. Never having to budget or worrying about price tags. I wouldn't be one of those big spenders, but I just want the freedom to do what I want to

Saturday, 10 November 2012

...Riding a bicycle...

 



Faith is not knowing that God can, it is knowing that He will.


God has His own way of showing us what we need. Life may not always be filled with rainbows and butterflies, but there is always something to be grateful for.  One day, in the future, all the pain and heartache will just be a distant memory. And from it, we will draw great strength and wisdom. I believe that God is preparing us for something extraordinary. He has an incredible plan for our lives. 

The hardest part is just having faith.



Tuesday, 6 November 2012

You are not alone ♥




If ever you need someone to talk to, I'm only an email away... 

Take care friends 

In desperate need of some serious retail therapy...


*Sigh what a long couple of weeks this has been... I'm all done with classes for the year, but now I just have to wait for the rest of the 2nd years to finish “Intro to Clinical Medicine” before we start with final exams – on the 22nd November!

I know that I should be grateful for the time that I have to prepare, but I can’t help just wanting to get this all over with. I’m so tired of studying and I still have like 2 weeks of endlessly long days spent in front of books, books and more books!! I think I might just go crazy!! 

And as much as I try, I still find it difficult to keep focused and stick to my study plan. There’s that little voice in the back of my mind that's scared shitless of having to rewrite these exams in Jan next year. 

But I know that I really can’t keep thinking like that. I have come a long way since last year, and it would be a shame to deny all the changes that have happened in my life, by still believing that I am not capable of achieving my goals.  I have grown in my faith and I have a strong support system around me. So all that is left is to just get on with what I need to do. 

Medicine will never be easy, and there will always be challenges. The only thing that will determine my outcome is whether I rise to meet those challenges, or back away with some excuse of not being strong enough or good enough.  

I don’t want to look back at the end of this year and think that I did not do everything that I could to get to where I want to be. 

So I guess that this leaves me with no choice other than to just soldier on… into the trenches I go. This is WAR!



Sunday, 28 October 2012

Extract from - B*


“But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air” 
- Sarah Kay


Sunday, 14 October 2012

So I finally decided on what to do for my birthday! *EXCITED FACE*

The drinking on campus thing didn’t feel right, for some reason. So KKK, my neighbour and close friend, and I were talking about it a little more, and I decided to have a picnic on Saturday afternoon. I want to do something nice for my friends. So I pray that I get enough money to make nice little snacks and maybe a few cupcakes. I think it will work out much cheaper and it really is a nice way to spend the day.

As soon as I made the decision, the whole thing felt lighter. I'm just going to send out a message to friends that I would like to join and if they can make it, GREAT, but if they can’t, I will understand.

As simple as that.




Friday, 12 October 2012

Birthday Blues

Every year I go through the same thing before my birthday, where I can’t make up my mind on what I want to do on the big day. I try to decide on something that makes all of my friends happy as well, because I understand that it is near exam time and they must study… and then I have to take in to consideration my lack of money to spend, and lack of transport to go anywhere.

I usually make it more dramatic than it need be, but sometimes it just feels complicated. I just wish for once that I could have the freedom to do what I want to do without worrying about anything or anyone. I know that it may seem weird to still get excited about my birthday, but I honestly do love celebrating it.

One day I wish to have enough money to be able to throw a big dinner party for close friends and family. It will be simple but elegant and involve lots of good food and conversation. The wine will flow freely and everyone will be merry…. Sigh!

This year I wanted to have a braai, but money is still tight, so that idea is ruled out. Then I thought of going out for cocktails. But now it seems that some of my friends would prefer to stay here and have drinks. I’m not really sure why, but I was a little upset when they suggested this. But then again it really shouldn’t be a big deal, right??

As I am writing this, a thought has occurred to me. Maybe I always make a big deal about my birthday because I am afraid of spending it alone. It is difficult being away from family. I know that my friends truly care about me, but the prospect of being alone kind of makes me wish that I had one person that would want to give up their whole day to make this one day special for me. I crave all the attention and love. Flowers wouldn’t be a bad idea too…

I know that the best thing that I can do is to just take a deep breath in and not let this get the better of me. It’s best to just let things happen the way they will and not to force matters. There are more important things to be concerned with right now… like the Repro test coming up in a weeks’ time…


Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Unanswered questions

After another meeting with my mentor, I had a lot of unanswered questions that I wanted to think about. And over the last few days I have been thinking and journaling about it. I didn’t focus on the writing, but rather on getting the words and feelings out and putting it all down on paper. As the words flowed freely, some of it started to make sense.
We spoke about self-confidence and insecurities. She asked me what I think confidence is, and how I identify it in someone else. I was able to give a broad definition, but was unsure of what it meant specifically. We also spoke briefly about what it means to be a woman and the role that confidence plays in this. I am almost 22 years old and I sometimes don't feel like a woman out in the big bad world.
I decided to look up the meaning of “self-confidence” in the dictionary, to get a different understanding of it. I found that it generally means to believe in oneself and to be assured of ones abilities.
I wouldn’t say that I lack self-confidence completely, but I do realise that I have doubted myself and my abilities quite a bit over the past couple of years. In terms of my past relationships, academics and just with regards to where i fit in.
After my meeting I took a walk on the fields and just sat quietly, reflecting and doing a little journaling. I wanted to meditate but I had to get all the words out of my mind. It’s amazing what a little writing can do when feeling inspired.


Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Why is it that when things are going well, I can’t help thinking that it is just about time for everything to come crashing down again? It sometimes seems as if happiness isn't meant to last forever; or as if I don't deserve it. Why is it that impending failure is much easier to believe than the prospect of success?

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Apathy, Sympathy and Empathy

I'm only now starting to learn the true meaning of these three words and the impact that they may have on my life. though seemingly the same, these words carry very great and different meanings. my mentor explained it to me in the form of a simple story.

a man is drowning in the river. apathy comes by, notices him and decides that it is not worth his time trying to save him. so he continues on his way.

next sympathy comes by. he is so overcome by emotion and really wants to save the man drowning in the river that he rushes in to the water without a second thought. as soon as he reaches the man he finds that he too gets caught in the riptide and cannot save either of them. so now he too is drowning.

then empathy comes along and sees both men drowning in the river. he also desperately wants to help them both, but does not rush in immediately. he is aware that he may also get caught out there. so first he calls someone for help and searches around for a life jacket and some rope to pull them in with. he puts on the life jacket and throws out the life raft for them to grab hold of until someones comes to help him pull them in. in no time at all help arrives and empathy is able to safely rescue them without further endangering himself or anybody else.

Friday, 21 September 2012

Dancing the night away

Last night I went to a campus party and had a awesome time hanging out with lotsa fun people and dancing to great music. My close friends decided not to come, at first, but I found some other friends to hang out with. It was good to just do what I wanted to do. I liked being able to go up to the guys that I knew and dance with them a little. I didn't feel invisible or awkward and I didn't feel like a loser if I was jamming on my own for a little while. Two of my besties did eventually come through and I ended the night with them.

There were a few guys that I noticed throughout the night but I wasn't really trying to get their attention or anything. But towards the end of the night, I was dancing with a friend from class (let’s call him Dissection guy), and I noticed him getting a whole lot closer. It was funny because I can be so uncoordinated sometimes, in really close proximity, with guys for the first time. But at the time I didn't think anything of it. I tried to keep things a little distant and chilled but eventually let him get closer and closer.  The next thing I knew, he pulled in to me and we kissed. I realize now that I actually really wanted to - and it was great. I felt those nervous butterflies, that I've been missing, especially when he pulled me in the second time... 

And all too soon we pulled apart. I think we both came to our senses. To be honest, we were far from discreet and I can’t be too certain of his sobriety level… 

After he left I saw him, from a distance, outside a couple of times, but he didn't come back and we left it just there. 

Now the problem is that I think he has a girlfriend. OK, no, I’m fairly certain that he does.  So it meant nothing. And it can’t mean anything.  

This is exactly why I previously decided that I wouldn't let such things happen randomly at parties again.  But at the same time, it felt good to just live in the moment. I think that I might like him a little. This isn't really the first time that I've thought about him in that way...

But I know that I am still not ready for an actual relationship. There are so many things that I still have to deal with, like the way that I think of myself - the “boxes” that I put myself into.  But that is a story for another day.

On the upside, I got up bright and early for class today, despite being out for most of the night. J

Saturday, 15 September 2012

Little things to remember...


Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
At least fifteen people in this world love you.
The only reason someone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
There are at least two people in this world that would die for you.
You mean the world to someone.
Someone, that you don't even know exists, loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look - and you'll see that someone is reaching out to help you.
Always remember the compliments you've received.
Forget the rude remarks.
Keep an open heart, and try to see the good in everyone you meet.
***

Heading out again...


Spring break is now officially coming to an end and its time for me to head back to campus to finish off this year, once and for all! I'm all packed up and ready to go, bright and early in the morning. It has been too short a holiday, but it has been good to take a breather and see my family again. I got a chance to spend some time with my bestie too and even met some of her friends from varsity.

I'm not going to be all sad about leaving this time, because I know that its just one of those things that I have to do. And I really do love being in that beautiful city. My home away from home.

I will always miss my family, but that doesn't mean that I can't love being away.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Life is a journey...


A long and winded journey. And you can never truly know what to expect each day. When the sun rises and you open your eyes, you can never be entirely certain what the day will bring. So wake up with a smile and look forward to all the blessings that God is sure to send your way. 
***

The last person you kissed

Bff_large

Dear N*,

A year ago we were just acquaintances, two people put in the same place at the same time. That first kiss happened unexpectedly and even though it wasn’t intentional, I wouldn’t change any of it. It may not have started a great romance between us, but it was the beginning of a friendship, that I wouldn't change for the world.

We were both in difficult places in our lives, with school and studies tumbling down around us, and I had ended a relationship that I was trying to get over. You understood that. You were there when I really needed someone to talk to and someone to notice me.

I never really knew how you actually felt about me, but I guess I am sort of glad about that. We kept things simple. Because complicated was the last thing that either of us needed.

A part of me wishes that our relationship could have been more than what it was, but, if I am really honest, I know that starting one with you would have been for all the wrong reasons. And you deserve to be with someone that will love you the way that you deserve to be loved.

Thank you for giving the best hugs and a shoulder to lean on when needed.

See you around,  J
Rainbow

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

When will it all end?

I'm tired -
of listening to the hurt in her voice,
of seeing the pain in her eyes.
It consumes her -
the worry,
the feelings of bitterness.
Losing control of everything around her.

But she keeps fighting -
against the world,
against the reflection in the mirror.
There's no escape -
from all the pain,
from all the conflict that grips and holds on to her soul.

All she wants is to be free -
to live the life she has always dreamed of.

She's been fighting for so long -
for the ones she loves,
for her independence,
to survive in this cruel world.

When will it all end?
-N.M-

YOU are beautiful!

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

"The only thing constant... is change."

"Things change and people change, but it doesn't mean that you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means that you move on, and treasure the memories made."
***


Over the past couple of years, this has been one of the most difficult things that I have had to accept. It has taken some time, and a little patience, but I have now learnt to value all the changes that have happened in my life.

I dream of one of one day becoming a powerful woman and courageous doctor. But I know that without change I cannot grow, and I may not become stronger and wiser or learn from my mistakes.

So, I'm choosing to embrace the change and look forward to the new experiances that are yet to come.

Monday, 10 September 2012

My mother gives the best hugs


I am back at home for a mini holiday! Finally a chance to just breathe and take a break, FAR away from campus. It is always good coming back home to my family. I miss them so much when I am away. Even though I’ve gotten better at living away from home this past year, I still get really home sick. So now I can stock up on love and big bear hugs from my mother and rest before I go back for the final stretch of this year.

It feels like the beginning of this year happened a lifetime ago, but I guess, in a way, it was. So many things have happened since then. And I am very eager to get this over with! I need to put 2nd year behind me, once and for all...

The only downside to being home right now is that everyone else is still busy at school and varsity! So there is not much going on around these parts.  And things haven’t really changed financially for us. Money is still a bit tight, and I can see how stressed my mother is about everything.

But besides all that, I am doing well. God continues to provide for us every single day. We have so much to be grateful for. I am blessed in a million ways, and I believe that things are still going to get better.  

There are a few things that I need to reflect about this week, from my meetings with my mentor. Our discussions have led to me realising many different things about myself and about my insecurities. And now, that some of them have been highlighted for me, I really want to change a few things, especially the way I think about myself.  

But more about that to come! I hope that anyone stumbling across this post is having a good day/night. Keep well J

Friday, 7 September 2012

Time...


it passes by like a rushing rapid crashing down a water bank.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

In the dead of the night

In the dead of the night,
when the moon is high and the stars shine bright,
what plagues your mind?
Is it peaceful thoughts?
Or confrontations and unanswered questions ringing out loud?

For me, all these emotions start to appear.
Fears and anxieties buried deep down
Come to the surface and fight for control.
They keep me awake.
Until the darkest hour, there is no escape.
My mind is not mine alone.

All these voices,
They tell me different things -
All my insecurities and greatest concerns are exposed before me.
I feel ashamed, disappointed and worthless.

But I know that it is not all my fault.
Some things are beyond my reach.
I cannot change what was, but I can change what may be.
I can choose to fight to regain the power that has vanished within me.

So, I still my mind and take a deep breath in and slowly let it out.
Nothing is lost that can be found once again. ©
-N.M-

Friday, 31 August 2012

"A chance to start over"

"When a natural disaster - such as a flood or a fire - ravages the landscape, it gives Mother Nature a chance to start over. She gets to build things in a new and inspired way. Trees will rise up through the devastation. The river may take a different course. Flowers and other vegetation may take advantage of the new canvas and sprout up in unexpected places. Even though you have been through something emotional, you are not in ruins. You will soon have a chance to spring up from a feeling of devastation and rise once again toward the sun."

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Please find me soon...

My dreams have been plagued by knights in shining armour... A strong bold man that has come to sweep me off my feet. He takes me in his arms and never wants to let go. He looks deeply into my eyes, and without hesitation, he kisses me passionately. I want this dream to last forever. I want it to be real.

But it's not. And when I open my eyes I am filled with a feeling of loss as I slowly come to my senses and realise that it was all just my subconscious mind playing tricks on me. So to hide the disappointment, I brush it off. I'm better off anyway. I force myself to think about all the hurt that men cause. The lying, the cheating and vulnerability that comes with a relationship. "I don't need that in my life", I tell myself over and over again.

It's almost as if I am afraid to love again. I want to shelter my heart and keep it safe. It's too precious and delicate to be broken once more. It might not recover this time.

I just want to skip all this bullshit and find the one man that will make me his wife and a mother to his children. The one that will never dream of hurting me, and that will respect me for who I am. He will understand and appreciate all my flaws, and day by day we will grow together, becoming a force to be reckoned with.

I know he's out there. Somewhere.
Please find me soon. Until that day, I will be waiting, as patiently as I can.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Morning break

Right now, I'm sitting outside on a bench waiting for my next lecture to start. The day is absolutely beautiful. With blue skies, the sun shining and the birds chirping in the trees. There's a slight breeze and people around me chatting in goups or walking to where they need to be. But here I sit alone. Content in my solitude. Lost in the endless thoughts running through my mind. They are enough to keep me company.  Making small talk with someone would be a distraction.

I feel so tired. I need to draw some energy from somewhere to get through the rest of this day. Lectures until 15:00. Gym. Study.

I miss home. And I miss my mother most of all. At least I only have 2 weeks here until I get to go home for a week's holiday.

Saturday, 25 August 2012

Our Annual House Dance


View from the dance floor
Last night was amazing! There were were a few hitches in the beginning, like the water on campus being shut off!! But it was sorted out promptly and everyone could continue their grooming as planned... I tried to curl my hair, but it didn't stay for very long, so I had it straight down. I wore a long, simple black dress and peep-toe shoes, with silver accessories, and completed my outfit with a black mask. 

I enjoyed the night with friends and the conversation around our table was nice and light. The food was great but the wine was absolutely terrible... It went straight to my head! But the effects didn't last too long, fortunately enough!

The venue looked absolutely beautiful - all our hard work and long hours really paid off! The theme was Midsummer Night's Masquerade and everyone turned up in beautiful evening gowns and suits, accompanied by mysterious masks of every style, shape and colour. It looked fantastic!


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Candles lining the entrance to the venue



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A few cocktail drinks with little kisses :)
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The seating arrangements
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Friday, 24 August 2012

Before all the glitz and glamour... comes all the hard work!

My residence is holding our annual grand House Dance on Friday! :D It is basically just a formal banquet where we all get a chance to take a break from our studies, get all dressed up and celebrate the past year. Our theme this year is Midsummer Night’s Masquerade and it is a requisite to wear a masquerade mask.

This year I'm on the dance planning committee, so I have been doing a little running around selling tickets and helping with what I can. Last night we went to set up the decor and it took all night to get done! We were at the venue from 4pm and I only got back to campus past midnight! It was a reaaaaly long and busy night but was totally worth it. The place looks really amazing.

Now, I have a couple of late lectures and then I have to rush to get my hair and everything done.... It's always such a mission but I think the best part of these dances is the time before the actual event, the planning, getting all dressed up and doing your hair and nails. Yay! It's going to be a great night. :)