Wednesday, 30 April 2014

April's lessons

Most people would love to be able to take a break from studying or working and just have some time out. Even though it makes me feel hopeless, I want to be grateful for this season that I am in.

If we go by comparing our lives to those around us, we will always feel inferior. I need to believe that right now I am exactly where I need to be.



We can never be certain of what other people, or even close friends, are going through. And just because someone is not communicating with you, it does not mean that they have stopped loving you, or that he/she doesn’t care anymore. People show love in different ways, and feelings do not disappear overnight.

I am not the only one that is in between destinations in their lives. Everyone is fighting a battle that we don’t know about. I am not alone. We may not be in the exact same boat, but no one really has an easy life, they have had to work hard to be where they are/ get what they wanted.

Sometimes I tend to complicate things that should be simple. I want to stop letting the world get me down. It is time to go out and fight for the things that I want. It is not just going to magically appear in front of me. Life is what you make it. You can decide whether you want to stay the victim or take back control. It is not always easy, I know, but I believe that it will be worth it.




Appreciate and be grateful for the people around you and never hesitate to show love.



Tuesday, 29 April 2014

April Moments

Listening – The last few days I have been listening to the heartfelt sounds of Rae Morris on repeat, along with Red Eye by Haim, and some Birdy songs too. 

Reading – The Divergent series by Veronica Roth. I really liked the first 2 books “Divergent” and “Insurgent”. I read them both over 4 days. The pages were filled with so much danger and the need to be brave and courageous. I am currently on the 3rd book ‘Allegiant’ but things have slowed down. Now I’ve mostly been reading poetry and prose writing that I have found on Tumblr. 

Watching – The Mindy Project! I have to admit that I have become obsessed! It’s funny and extremely relatable. I don’t think there was a single episode that I didn’t literally laugh out loud or cringe at all the embarrassing situations she gets herself in to. Once I was up to date with the latest episodes, I started watching Being Human. I like this original take on Vampires and Werewolves, quite different to Vampire Diaries and Twilight. 

I also found amazing choreography dance videos on YouTube. I love watching these! Faves are Kyle Hanagami and Mega Jam.

Cooking – Haven't done much cooking this month. But I baked some amazing Cinnamon rolls using a recipe I found on Sally's Baking Addiction

Hoping – for the past few months I have been trying to figure out what I want to do next and to find my purpose and passion in life. Sometimes, hope runs low but I still believe it's there. 

Loving – The rain pouring down at night. The sunrise at 6 am. Long foamy bubble baths.

Planning – I’ve realised that lately I have become way too passive with the way my life currently is, and this does not make me happy. So, I’m still exploring options, and the next step is to find a day care centre to volunteer my endless amounts of free time. And I need to book a date for my driver’s licence. I need to make this happen already!

Missing – Cape Town and everything that I had when I was still living there. I miss my friends, the girls I lived with, and my church. I also miss my having my own space and the little independence i had. 



Saturday, 26 April 2014

The good ones drive you insane

"People say that it's the bad memories that cause the most pain, but actually, it's the good ones that drive you insane. "

The good ones remind me of all we used to be. 
They take me back to a time when he filled me with butterflies 
and made my heart race with every glance.

But in the same train of thought, 
the good ones remind me of why we are no more, 
and of the hurt he caused when we fell apart; 
when my heart broke that first time.

Some things I remember so vividly, 
as though they had occurred only a few moments ago.

Bitter sweet.

Its been forever since I've seen his face. 
I find myself curious as to how its changed 
since that day we call the end.

I wonder if these memories will ever leave me too. 
Part of me hopes that one day,at least, 
they do.

Friday, 25 April 2014

"I'm never going to wait"

"I’m never gonna wait
that extra twenty minutes
to text you back,
and I’m never gonna play
hard to get
when I know your life
has been hard enough already.
When we all know everyone’s life
has been hard enough already.
it’s hard to watch
the game we make of love,
like everyone’s playing checkers
with their scars,
saying checkmate
whenever they get out
without a broken heart."

Andrea Gibson

Thursday, 24 April 2014

Unhinged

Things get crazy and i feel I’m losing my mind
I don’t know what to do
I’m going insane and I really don’t know why
There’s only one thing to do
I’m floating through the night on a red eye

I can’t understand, I don’t understand it
The visions in my head
I just can’t make sense of it

I can never run 
There’s no use for it baby

Red Eye - Haim ft Kid Cudi


I wish that i had someone to really talk to. not just the shallow "how are you" but a sharing of deep meaningful words that span across our hears and bridge our souls together.
I’m not looking for love. love is too complicated. i simply want to lay my words out bare, vulnerable, and not care what you think of me or my world. 
i just want you to hear me. no more pretending. no more illusions that i am ok.
Because, the truth is, even though nothing appears out of order, my world has come unhinged.  and i need you to help me balance it again.

Wednesday, 23 April 2014

"I keep on hoping..."


"I keep on hoping that we’ll find
Another reason to compromise
But this time I’ll break
Down inside.

I keep on staring to the past
And all those feelings we compromised
And this time I’ll break
Down inside

Don’t go
Don’t feel like you have to
Only if you want to
Fill my world with hope again
Hope again."
Don't Go by Rae Morris

Monday, 21 April 2014

Promises you can't keep

I'm realizing, more and more, that people break their promises. Maybe it's not always intentional, but it happens, and it still stings the same.

So never promise you'll always stay. Don't let her think that you're here for the long haul. Or that this friendship means so much to you. Because when you leave, you'll just break her heart, and you'll be like everyone else.

Don't pretend to spare her feelings.
And don't make her promise things to you that you will never keep yourself. Don't tell her she shouldn't cut people off, if you are just going to confirm why she should.

Don't tell her you can't imagine not having her in your life, if you can turn around and walk so easily out of hers.

Sunday, 20 April 2014

In search for purpose, follow your passion







I need to remind myself that the search for passion may not be understood by everyone around me here, and although it may also take up time now, it is something that I want for myself. It may be easier to settle, but for some reason, I don't think things will ever really be easy. So maybe it is better for me to struggle now to find what I love. Otherwise, I fear that I will end up fighting with myself because I missed the chance to experience life. I don't want average, or mediocre. 

I refuse to settle. 



Happy Easter!

HAPPY EASTER!

"But the angel answered and said “Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here; for He is risen…" Matthew 28:5,6

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13


Saturday, 19 April 2014

"Now my debt is paid"


Man Of Sorrows 
-Hillsong United-

Man of sorrows Lamb of God
By His own betrayed
The sin of man and wrath of God
Has been on Jesus laid

Silent as He stood accused
Beaten mocked and scorned
Bowing to the Father's will
He took a crown of thorns

Oh that rugged cross
My salvation
Where Your love poured out over me
Now my soul cries out
Hallelujah
Praise and honour unto Thee

Sent of heaven God's own Son
To purchase and redeem
And reconcile the very ones
Who nailed Him to that tree

Now my debt is paid
It is paid in full
By the precious blood
That my Jesus spilled

Now the curse of sin
Has no hold on me
Whom the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed

Oh that rugged cross
My salvation
Where Your love poured out over me
Now my soul cries out
Hallelujah
Praise and honour unto Thee

See the stone is rolled away
Behold the empty tomb
Hallelujah God be praised
He's risen from the grave

Friday, 18 April 2014

The Light of the world

In the beginning the Word already existed. The Word was with God,
and the Word was God. 
- John 1:1

The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.
- John 1:4-5

The one who is the true light, who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. He came to his own people, and even they rejected him.

But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.
- John 1:9-13

So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son.
- John 1:14

From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ.
- John 1:16-17

For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.
- John 3:16-17


Thursday, 17 April 2014

Risks

I’m afraid of taking risks; of stepping out of this comfort zone. I don’t want to stay here any longer, but sometimes I find myself wondering if staying is the worst thing in the world. And in many ways, it won’t be. But it also prevents growth. It prevents me from finding my wings. I can sit here and write for hours, but it will never bring me to exactly where I want to be.  I want to start really moving on with my life. Not just internally, but externally too, out into the world. 

The longer I stay, the more trapped I begin to feel. I'm scared of leaving, yes, but will I ever truly be ready? Sometimes you just have to jump and brace yourself for the fall. One can never be too certain what lies down below. And I know that I won't be alone. I will always have my trusty parachute ready to break my fall. 

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Zen Habits blog repost: Breathe

Breathe

By Leo Babauta at Zen Habits
Breathe.
If you feel overwhelmed, breathe. It will calm you and release the tensions.
If you are worried about something coming up, or caught up in something that already happened, breathe. It will bring you back to the present.
If you are moving too fast, breathe. It will remind you to slow down, and enjoy life more.
Breathe, and enjoy each moment of this life. They’re too fleeting and few to waste.

Monday, 14 April 2014

5 Little Grins

So, I found this really cool link up on Warrior Queen by Raewyn and thought it was a really great idea to inject a little more positivity in to my life, by focusing on the good.  J

"Don't wait until you lose something before you start to appreciate it. Don't take for granted all that God has given to you."  - Ps. Paula White

 5 Little Grins

The Rules! (These are really just kind suggestions)

1. Follow your hosts: CassandraRaewyn, and Paulina!

2. Link up your post that includes 5-ish things that made you smile in the past week

3. Comment after you link up

4. Go visit some other blogs and make some friends!

5. Have fun, and don't forget to smile!!

***

1.       I received a phone call from my friend, Kez. I felt so much joy hearing her voice and talking the way we used to, even if it was for just a little while.  We used to chat for hours in my room when we were still living on campus. I miss this. She’s now a newly qualified doctor working in a rural sort of hospital in Pretoria. She seems to be doing well and settling in. I’m so proud of her.

2.      Watched the latest release of The Mindy Project and laughed through almost every minute of it. J

3.      Weekly Skype chat with MCK and her mother. I love these sessions, they are filled with so much encouragement and words of wisdom and guidance.

4.      Decided to make a surprise smoothie by throwing some banana, blueberries and an apple or two together and it turned out delicious!

5.      Started reading Allegiant, the final book in the Divergent series. I really liked the first two, (Divergent and Insurgent) but the jury is still out on this one.

6.   This super amazing link my friend sent me - Because CHICAGO & DISNEY!




Hope you're having a great start to the week!
What made you happy this week?


Saturday, 12 April 2014

Burning a hole in my mind

There's too many things burning a hole in my mind and in my heart. Toxic emotions and feelings that I don’t know how to get rid of.

On the outside, everything appears OK but I feel irritable around everyone here. I want to offload all of this with someone that won’t judge my life or change their opinion about me. But so far, I haven’t found anyone I can truly bare my soul to without feeling completely exposed. 


Maybe this is why I feel lonely sometimes. I long for a deeper connection with someone. Is this too much to ask?



Friday, 11 April 2014

Obsessions: Reasons I love Mindy

"When people call me either a girl crush or their best friend, like, the best friend they want, that’s, to me, the best compliment anyone could ever give me." 

Mindy Kaling
Reasons I love MINDY

She's a strong leading character. An intelligent and successful woman filled with ambition.

She is really easy to relate to

She dates different kinds of guys from stockbrokers, architects, lawyers, a pastor and even tried going out with a forever-young- at-heart skateboarder. No judgement here!

She isn't easily intimidated by anyone or anything. She will always rise up to the challenge.

She cares about her friends and is always willing to help out when needed. You can always count on her.

She knows that sometimes she can be a hot mess, but doesn't let that define her. But she still tries to be better. She admits to her weaknesses and her faults.

She is enthusiastic about life. It really doesn't take much to get her excited about something.

She is confident. She knows who she is and all that she is capable of.  

She is excruciatingly honest.

She remains hopeful and tries to see all things positively.

"my own role model" ❤ The Mindy Project
She boldly takes risks. She went all the way to Haiti for love to try and make things work out.

She is always up for having a good time every now and again but still prefers quiet nights in.

She is a hopeless romantic. Even after all that she's been through with men, she's never given up on love. 

She’s all about big gestures.  My favourite one is when she cut her hair for Casey.  

She has a flair for the drama. I love the way she narrates her life randomly on the subway...

 She sees the best in everyone. The perfect example of this is: Pretty Woman.

She can be vulnerable and put her heart out on the line.

Danny Castellano was in love with her but she didn’t realise until he literally grabbed and kissed her. It was a truly beautiful TV moment...


The Mindy Project

Fact or fiction, I just can't get enough of this show!
Why do you love Mindy?

Thursday, 10 April 2014

Unsent letter: Your siblings

To my beautiful sisters


You mean the world to me. And nothing could ever change that. I am so grateful that I was chosen to be apart of your lives. I know that sometimes I might get under your skin and get really annoying but most of the time I don’t mean to be that way. I just try to make things easier for mum. 

I know its different  now that I'm home. We all keep getting in each others way. But we are growing up, and we won't be living like this for much longer. 

I wish things were different for us, but we cant control the hand that we have been dealt in life. we just have to make the most of it. It hasn't been easy, but i believe that you are both destined to be great. so don't sweat the small stuff now. This is all preparing you for future greatness.

Little sister, 
I wish that you would tell me what burdens your heart, and why you shut us all out the way that you do. I mean you no harm. But i worry about you. and i can feel your hatred. I just can't figure out who it's directed at, or what caused it. I hope that in time you will let me in to your world. 

Don't ever think that i will judge you for anything that you do. I will always be here for you. You just need to let me know. 

The greatest moments are when we laugh together. You have a great sense of humour. I hope you know that. And every time you smile, the sun shines a little brighter.

Middle one,
Thank you for all your words of wisdom over the past few years. I have come to appreciate your insights and the way you perceive the world to be. Thank you for listening to my endless drama and for giving your best advice, even though i sometimes struggle to follow it... 

i know that we tend to clash some times. i think my personality can sometimes take up the whole room. i can see how that can get in the way . 

you are so strong. so determined and ambitious. i admire this. you are going to be an amazing lawyer. your heart will save so many. 

I look forward  to what the future has to offer, and to living this life with the both of you. 

Much love, 
Rainb0w

10/03/14

Unsent letter: Someone not in your state/country



Dear B*


You were always meant to leave for Britain
and meet the man of your dreams.
This suits you perfectly. 
I am happy for you and so extremely proud. 
You have come such a long way.

Life has never been easy for you, 
but you are one of the strongest people that I know.

We've drifted apart now, but thanks for still making an effort to see me while you were still here. It meant a lot. 

I hope your life is everything that you dreamed it would be. 

All my love and best wishes,

Rainbow



Image: "Breathe Me"



"Breathe Me"

I found this piece on DeviantART by Designtu

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind Part 3

Thanks to Mary at Secret Obsession Blog, I was inspired to start this challenge as well. 

The original post is by Marc Chernoff at Marc and Angel Hack Life. Check out their blog for the full list of questions. 

I think that this is a great way to broaden one's mind and think about things that don't naturally occur to us. Some of these questions are a bit abstract, and it is up to you how to interpret them. I had some fun answering this first set, and I'm happy to share them with you. 


<<<< Part 1 | Part 2


Feeling Free



If not now, then when?
If not now, then in God’s timing. His timing is perfect. Have faith that He will never forget the desires of your heart, but He has a greater plan, and is preparing the way for something better. 

If not now, then when you are stronger. I guess some may argue that there is no better time than the present. And while I do agree to some extent, I also think that sometimes we may need to take things a bit slower. And that is OK. Don’t rush things. Go at a pace that you are comfortable with. Build your confidence first. 

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

I used to think that I knew the answer to this question, but in the last couple of years, I haven’t been so sure. Something I do know for certain, though, is that it would be work that contributes to the lives of others. And there would be various aspects to it. I would love to be able to help people make the most of their own lives. Whether it is health orientated or focuses on their well being in general. I would also love to work with kids, helping them to reach their full potential.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

It would be inaccurate to say that I have had no control over the course of my life, because along the way, I have been making most of the decisions. But, for the longest time now I have been feeling as if I have no control over the way things have been happening. I feel helpless and I don’t know how to regain that control. At medical school I was just rolling with the punches and just letting things happen, whether I liked it or not. I wasn't putting up much of a fight.

And right now, the decision is completely in my hands. I have to choose where I head off to next, but I couldn't be any more unsure.

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Hmm, I don’t think that I can say for definite which I worry more about, because to me, it is equally important to do the right things, and to do them right. But it is important to note that the right things are different for each of us. What is right for me might not be right for everyone else. This is why it’s important to figure out what it means to you. We can’t do things because everyone else around us seems to be doing it. Also, I think it's important to do these things for the right reasons.

This is something I strive towards but sometimes fall short of. We can’t always be perfect, so I’m learning to be patient with myself.

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

For me, the real question is whether I would rather be constantly worried or constantly filled with joy? And when stated in this way, the answer comes easily. I would rather be joyful even if the consequence would mean that I live life, by definition, as an ignorant, naive or silly person. I say this because sometimes I truly believe that ignorance is bliss. What use could there be to have the weight of the world on your shoulders? Life is for living. And constantly worrying will take that away.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?

I have never been a fan of confrontation but I don’t think that I could just sit there and let them criticize people that I love. I would try not to cause a big scene, but would point out that they have no right to say such things, and that their thoughts are best kept to themselves. 

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

This is not such an easy question to answer, as I have never traveled out of South Africa, so I can’t be certain of how my life would be different anywhere else in the world. But as much as I do love living here, I have a real need to explore the world and experience different cultures. So having said that, I would move to Europe and explore the different countries, staying just long enough to experience life the way the people do, but not long enough to be called a citizen.


If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?


This depends entirely on what my current job is. If it is something that I always dreamed of doing, then no, I will just take an extended holiday to go travel the world. If my current job leaves much to be desired, then yes, I will quit and go off in search of something that will bring me joy.

 If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Don’t wish away any second of your young life, and enjoy everything about being a child while you can. 



Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
I’m guessing that the point of this question is to make one realize that even though something can make us extremely upset right now, down the line it will become a distant memory, one that we may even forget all together.

5  years ago, I had started my first year at university. The things that happened back then don’t have any direct bearing on the way things are today. Yes, they shape us and influence who we become, but somewhere along the way, the actual event, the actual situation started meaning less and less.


***

Feel free to let me know what you think!
Also, check out the links above.

J