I have these periods of a sort of writer’s block, where I just don't feel like putting any of my thoughts down on paper, or sending them out into the World Wide Web. From time to time, I’ll tell myself that I should probably write something, anything, but then after a few seconds I’d just be like “Meh, I really don't want to” and that would be that. But then a couple days or so later, I’ll just sit down and slowly ease the words out, and soon it would be like I had never stopped.
The most sense that I can make out of it all, is that sometimes I feel as if my thoughts will be too much to deal with, so they are better left hidden in the maze of my mind. I know this isn't true, however, because I always feel better spilling it all out. But I guess my mind isn't the most rational, even at the best of times.
Any one that has read this blog consistently (shout out if that’s you! J) would know that my writing is all over the place. Like a never ending, constantly moving, roller coaster ride. My emotions go up and down without the slightest warning.
So lately I've been struggling to decide what I want to do with the rest of this year, and next year, and for the rest of my life. I've been searching for my purpose. Something that was once so clear to me is now the biggest mystery.
I've been trying to figure out what will make me happy, but all I have discovered so far is that happiness is elusive and it is starting to feel like an illusion. And yet, I am determined not to give up on it. I'm still trying to allow my mind to open up to the possibilities.
But I am scared too. I keep falling into the same trap, thinking that something is impossible without giving it a fair shot.
So far, two options have elicited some interest in me. But I am so apprehensive about both. In a perfect world, I’d be able to do both of these things simply and easily and everything will be great. But instead of seeing the world as black and white, I tend to see too many shades of grey. And in these grey areas are an endless number of things that could go wrong.
My mentor has been encouraging me to explore all options fully, and not simply let them go because of my preconceived misconceptions. So, this is what I have been doing. It has been a slow process. I will post more about my options soon. J