Starting over

 For the longest time, I have been contemplating how to get back into blogging again. I love the site that I created way back in 2011 because it holds so many memories and sentimental pieces. I'm filled with nostalgia looking through it. Seeing my words on the screen takes me back to those times and reminds me of the young woman that was making sense of the world and seeking connection. Back then, my blog was anonymous and I didn't share it with anyone in my life. I was afraid of appearing vulnerable with my honesty and felt anxious about being criticized and judged. I also felt that it would be too revealing and I would feel limited to post freely. 

I feel anxious a lot of the time. Over the past few years, especially, I have been working through it and challenging myself to overcome the fear. Now I am realizing that maybe the fear and anxiousness will always be there to some extent, but that doesn't need to put me off the task. I'm working on recognizing the fear and doing it anyway. I'm also constantly reminding myself that there isn't one "right" way to do something and that perfection doesn't exist.

So while I figure out the right next step, I will be brave and be open to all possibilities. 

Please feel free to say hi or leave a comment! :)

Day 6: What do I need less of?

Day 6: What do I need LESS of?

1) Atelophobia.

The fear of imperfection. 

The fear of never being good enough.

2) Self-doubt.

No more second-guessing who I am and what I am capable of achieving.

3)Insecurities .

4) Shame.

Living with shame only brings us down. 

Accept that the past happened.
Acknowledge mistakes and learn from them. 

Then - 
Let it go.

Move forward. 

5) Negativity.

Time to focus on the glass being half-FULL.  

***

Please feel free to say hi or leave a comment! :)

Follow the link in BohoBerry image to check out the details of this challenge.

Fears and longing

My mentor shared this with me last month. It is a quote from Matt Licata:

“The fear of being abandoned. The shame in being rejected and not seen as you are. The terror of being alone. The anxiety of being dependent on another. The panic of unbearable vulnerability and exposure. The dread of the looming death of yourself and everyone around you. These are the great fears that come as you wake, as you fall asleep, and as you wander along the path of the heart. But, perhaps the greatest fear of all is the fear of being loved, the dissolving of the trance of unlove once and for all. For when you are truly loved, when you are entirely seen, when you are fully held, it is the end of your world as you know it. Life is always seeing you in this way. If you will allow this revelation in, you will never be the same again. You will no longer be able to pretend that you are other than radiant and whole as you are. You will watch in astonishment as the spell of unworthiness is dissolved in front of your very eyes.

While it may seem that this is what you are truly longing for, please consider the consequences of the death of this ancient dream. The game is over. Dare to see that you were never unhealed; that nothing is missing, and that you are fully alive, now. Not after you ‘heal your past’, find your soulmate, manifest a conscious job, get into a ‘high vibration’, or replace the burning with joy. Allow the dream of postponement to end, now. For you are here. You are present. Your raw heart is beating. Your senses are online. Allow the unlovable one, the unworthy one, the ‘broken’ one, and the ‘unhealed’ one to fall away into the soft, tender vastness that you are. To let in the implications of this is utterly exhilarating. And completely terrifying simultaneously. One world is ending so that the true world may appear from behind the clouds of separation. The world of love is here…..now.”

it is inevitable

I’m afraid of growing up,

but time keeps aging me. 

I want to scream STOP! -

but there's no slowing it down.

It is inevitable

that life goes on.

No matter how many nights

you cry yourself to sleep,

life goes on.

-N.M- 

I'm terrified of life leaving me behind

I miss my heater,

Warming my tiny little room, miles from here. 

There I was alone with my thoughts -

Solitude was my confidant.

Snuggled in my bed, listening to the rain fall.

I had an idea of where my life was headed;

With some sense of a future. 

Now all that is gone. 

But this is not all bad.

There is family here - 

Love and support. 

I just wish that my mind wasn't so muddled. 

I wish that I was more grateful. 

I just hate that I feel as though

I am going nowhere slowly.

Time is running out. 

I have unknown deadlines -

Because I know I can't sit idly forever. 

Life must go on. 

And it will –

With or without me. 

And I’m terrified of being left behind.

-N.M-

I just wish to suppress this anxiety

i just wish to suppress this anxiety long enough to breathe;

if only for a second.

the future is daunting, and time is closing in.

My patience is fading and the pressure is mounting. 

i don't know what to do to lift this shadow 

that clouds my mind and renders all thoughts negative and cynical.

i am left here helpless, in despair. 

Skype Cell Group: His love casts out all fear

One of my best friends and her mother have started a cell group via Skype! She has been looking for a new cell for a few weeks now, and asked me if I would like to be a part of it. I haven't found a church here at home yet, so this couldn't have been more welcome. It is a chance to have fellowship with a few women that are earnestly seeking God's heart. I need this.It is too easy to get lost in this world on our own and forget the promises God has made in our hearts. We need to be reminded of His goodness and love, especially during the storms in our lives.  

So, this group chat is made up of my friend - in Cape Town on campus, her sister - at their home in Somerset west; her mother - all the way in Wales; her friend - over in Newlands, UK; and me - here at home. 

It is truly amazing that no matter where you are in the world, the word of God can reach you. He will send you the right people to help you through whatever situation you may face, to support you and help you grow in His love. 

Here are little bits and pieces, words of wisdom and encouragement from the session. I hope you find something that touches your heart too.

***

Trust in God and His promises will come to pass. In His time, He will reveal all things to us. Be Patient and lift your voice up to Him for He hears our cries. He is always fighting a supernatural battle for us. Have faith, the victory is already yours.

He [Abraham] was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything he promised.

-Romans 4:21

“Don’t give up on your hopes and dreams; you may just be on the brink of your miracle.”

Jesus is not the spare wheel in your life, so don’t put Him in that position. Allow Him to take the lead and trust Him with all your troubles and worries. Give it all up to Him.

Our flesh is weak, but our spirit is strong. Therefore, we must feed our spirit with the word of God every day. Soak up all His wisdom and grow in His presence.

“Doubt kills faith, so don’t allow the enemy to put that in your heart.”

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

This I declare of the LORD:

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

he is my God, and I am trusting him.

For he will rescue you from every trap

and protect you from the fatal plague.

He will shield you with his wings.

He will shelter you with his feathers.

His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,

nor fear the dangers of the day,

nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness,

nor the disaster that strikes at midday.

Though a thousand fall at your side,

though ten thousand are dying around you,

these evils will not touch you.

But you will see it with your eyes;

you will see how the wicked are punished.

If you make the LORD your refuge,

if you make the Most High your shelter,

no evil will conquer you;

no plague will come near your dwelling.

For he orders his angels to protect you wherever you go.

They will hold you with their hands

to keep you from striking your foot on a stone.

You will trample down lions and poisonous snakes;

you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love me.

I will protect those who trust in my name.

When they call on me, I will answer;

I will be with them in trouble.

I will rescue them and honor them.

I will satisfy them with a long life

and give them my salvation."

Psalm 91

***

“His love casts out fear. Allow Him to fill you with peace and replenish your spirit.”

Don’t be afraid. The Lord sends His angels to look after each and every one of us. Don’t allow the enemy to put fear into your heart either. Trust in the Lord, in all things, and for all things. The Lord is your protector, make Him your refuge and turn to Him when you are afraid. No harm can fall upon those in the Lord’s counsel.

When your day is not focused on God, you miss the point. You miss out on hearing His voice and receiving His direction. We are here to live a life that is pleasing to God. Therefore, let every day be a testimony to Him; and let it bring glory to our Heavenly father.

Find your hope in Christ Jesus, and it will never run out.

God is good, and we need to be able to acknowledge that goodness, and look for it all around us.

Don’t let your circumstances affect your faith. Look first to God and let Him deal with all your worries.

***

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!

They are innumerable!

I can't even count them;

they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me

Psalm 139:16-18

Ash

Time is still the enemy

I’m tired of being all up in my head. I just don’t want to think so much. I know that this is the process I need to go through to figure stuff out, but the more I look into future career options, the more overwhelmed I get.

 I'm terrified about being rejected again. I'm terrified about making the wrong decisions. I'm terrified of staying in the exact same place that I am right now. But I’m also afraid of settling for something that will leave me feeling miserable for the rest of my life. But saying that makes me feel a little dramatic. Sometimes I feel as if trying to be happy, or trying to find a place that I will be happy is just like I’m running on a great big race track that just goes round and round in a circle – I’m never truly going forward.

I know that sometimes we just have to take risks and see what happens. I have nothing to lose but time, right?

But, Time is still the enemy, and I don’t know how to make nice. We don’t even have to be the best of friends, but it certainly would help if we got along with each other. I feel like this Time just keeps walking all over me; and I let it. 

Time passes

Idly staring into space,

Time passes.

Slipping out from my grasp.

Drifting further and further away from me.

Time I can never get back.

I should do something. React in some way.

But here I stand.

Frozen,

Crippled by fear.

Disconnected from this reality.

Tears slowly running down my face, unnoticed.

Barely holding myself together,

Just moments from falling apart.

But Time waits for no one.
-N.M-