Tuesday, 1 November 2016

Open Wounds

"Not everyone is okay with living like an open wound. But the thing about open wounds is that, well, you aren't ignoring it. You're healing; the fresh air can get to it. It's honest. You aren't hiding who you are. You aren't rotting. People can give you advice on how to heal without scarring badly. But on the other hand there are some people who'll feel uncomfortable around you. Some will even point and laugh. But we all have wounds." 


-Warsan Shire-

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

Fears and longing

My mentor shared this with me last month. It is a quote from Matt Licata:

“The fear of being abandoned. The shame in being rejected and not seen as you are. The terror of being alone. The anxiety of being dependent on another. The panic of unbearable vulnerability and exposure. The dread of the looming death of yourself and everyone around you. These are the great fears that come as you wake, as you fall asleep, and as you wander along the path of the heart. But, perhaps the greatest fear of all is the fear of being loved, the dissolving of the trance of unlove once and for all. For when you are truly loved, when you are entirely seen, when you are fully held, it is the end of your world as you know it. Life is always seeing you in this way. If you will allow this revelation in, you will never be the same again. You will no longer be able to pretend that you are other than radiant and whole as you are. You will watch in astonishment as the spell of unworthiness is dissolved in front of your very eyes.

While it may seem that this is what you are truly longing for, please consider the consequences of the death of this ancient dream. The game is over. Dare to see that you were never unhealed; that nothing is missing, and that you are fully alive, now. Not after you ‘heal your past’, find your soulmate, manifest a conscious job, get into a ‘high vibration’, or replace the burning with joy. Allow the dream of postponement to end, now. For you are here. You are present. Your raw heart is beating. Your senses are online. Allow the unlovable one, the unworthy one, the ‘broken’ one, and the ‘unhealed’ one to fall away into the soft, tender vastness that you are. To let in the implications of this is utterly exhilarating. And completely terrifying simultaneously. One world is ending so that the true world may appear from behind the clouds of separation. The world of love is here…..now.”

Monday, 17 October 2016

Vulnerability

"To be vulnerable is to be alive."

For the longest time I’ve been struggling to let people get close enough to see the parts of me that hurt, to see the parts that still feel broken and still need repairing. I have been reading Brene Brown’s work on wholehearted living, and have started to realise that it is only when we open up to others in this way that we can truly connect and be our truest selves.

In Daring Greatly, Brene discusses the results she obtained from different people when asked what vulnerability means to each one personally. I gave this some thought and wrote down everything that came to mind. No filtering or overthinking.

 For me vulnerability is:
Allowing someone to see the real me
Being loved
Taking risks
Standing in my truth
Making new friends
Maintaining friendships
Sharing my writing with others
Loving and caring for someone
Seeking connection
Exploring sexuality
Being sexy and attractive
Putting in effort
Being ambitious
Asking for help

This is quite a list but I have started making some progress into understanding and accepting it. Some things I find easier to do than others. Some days allowing myself to seek these things feels fine, and completely doable while other days I find it a bit more challenging. I often struggle to tell my friends that I am having a tough time, or that I am feeling stuck and not good enough. Most of the time I am worried about how they would respond to seeing this “weakness”. The mask that I wear most often is that everything is OK and that I have all my shit together. I want to be that person, but I kept falling short. 

I am learning more and more each day that vulnerability is the furthest thing from weakness. As Brene says, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.”


I remind myself that all we have to do is take one tiny step in the direction towards what we want and eventually, when we glance back, we’ll see how far we have come. This is what keeps me going. 


Tuesday, 2 February 2016

2015 in Review

A list of the good stuff that I would like to take away from 2015 :) 
Better late than never!

1.       Started studying Psychology!
For the first time I can say that I finished this year on a very good note and achieved really great results. I enjoyed most of my modules this year and found the content very interesting. There were a few ups and downs along the way, but in the end I am happy with the way that this year went.

2.       Became a Peer Helper and got involved on campus

3.       Got my driver’s licence!
Passing my driver’s test in July 2015 changed my life for the better. It made life much easier for me and my family and allowed me to have more independence.

4.       Great conversations with my mentor.
My mentor is an amazing woman. I have mentioned her here and there in a few of my posts in the past. I am truly grateful for her continued support and encouragement of the past year. We have a monthly Skype session and she always makes an effort to fit me into her busy schedule.

5.       Met interesting new people and made a few great friends.

6.       Started facilitating at Revive and became part of the team.

7.       Started working at a bookstore. 
             My very first formal part-time employment. 

Looking forward to what this year has to offer!

Monday, 1 February 2016

Varsity countdown and Holiday Book Buys

It is exactly one more week until varsity starts and I will officially be a 2nd year Psychology student! It feels good to say that. I am really looking forward to this year and am very excited to get back into the swing of things. 

I’ve been on holiday for nearly 10 weeks now; which is not something that I am used to! I spent most of my time working in December, and January. And as tiring and frustrating as it sometimes is, it has been a good thing. It has given me a chance to get out of the house, earn some of my own money, and meet new people. I’ve also had the opportunity to build my interpersonal skills and develop a good work ethic. Holiday jobs are definitely a great way to grow and learn more about yourself too. 

The upside of working in a bookstore is, of course, being around these wonderful and sometimes strange collections of words. And every now and again we are lucky enough to catch a good deal right when it lands!


But the on the other hand, the downside of working in a bookstore is the temptation to keep buying more books... It is a lot harder to resist them calling your name from the overcrowded and lonely shelves, desperately wanting to be rescued. And naturally, being the book-lover that I am, all I want to do is save these poor books and give them a real home. So while I couldn't save them all, I did manage to add these greats to my personal library-in-the-making:


Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling
Rising Strong by Brene Brown
Postmortem: The Doctor Who Walked Away by Maria Phalime
Wild at Heart & Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge
The Invention of Wings by Sue Monk Kidd
We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves by Karen Joy Fowler
Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl



Saturday, 30 January 2016

We all have a story to tell




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Listen to everyone's story with an open heart and never judge or criticize them if they tell you their deepest, darkest secrets. It takes a lot of courage to open up like that because it exposes all your vulnerabilities and insecurities. 

Friday, 29 January 2016

Out of the shadows

So firstly, I would just like to formally introduce myself. My name is Nomawethu, but my friends call me Noma. I am 25 years old, and I live with my family in Port Elizabeth, South Africa.

I started blogging here many moons ago in 2011.  Back then I was a struggling 2nd year medical student, had just ended a relationship and was feeling very homesick. I needed someone to talk to during a time when I felt isolated. Writing and blogging was a means to express my feelings, emotions and insecurities without wondering how people would react to them. I didn't want to seem vulnerable or weak in the eyes of people around me. So instead I reached out to an anonymous world where I could be myself completely. 

Over the years I have come to understand that vulnerability does not mean weakness, and that it is something that many people struggle with. Vulnerability is beautiful, and it allows connection with others.

I now feel as though this journey is not something that I need to hide anymore, and I want to take this next step and share my writing. Words are magical and have the power to heal and transform.

This blog is an outward expression of my heart and represents and describes things that hold great meaning for me. Things that resonates with in my heart. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.

 Feel free to leave a comment or just say Hi! J

Saturday, 9 January 2016

Happy 2016!

It has been quite a while since I last posted or updated my blog. So many things have happened in the last year that have helped me to grow. Battles have been waged, and battles have been won - but the fight is never over.

I've been struggling to write, because sometimes my mind works overtime, and I would rather it not make concrete the idiosyncrasies that plague me. I would rather have the voices and feelings silenced – even if it is only for a little while.

I've been fighting against the desire to hide. Hide my life. Hide my feelings. Hide my heart. Even though every fibre of my being is longing to reach out. It has always been my knee jerk reaction to retreat away from the outside world.


And so, I have been contemplating sharing this blog, and coming out of the shadows of anonymity. I've been weighing up the pros and the cons but I finally realise that I will never feel completely comfortable being vulnerable with people. So, I should just do it anyway! More on this to follow J