"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen"

I feel completely alone, with no one to turn to. I’m wracking my brain trying to think of a friend to open up to, but no one comes to mind. I’ve kept everyone at arm’s length for so long that I don’t know how to be any other way. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with, without me falling apart in front of them. Nobody needs to see that.

Part of me wants to reach out to *F again, but the other half is stubborn and keeps reminding me that he really hasn’t been there for me lately. He doesn’t message or call anymore, and barely responds when I do. I’m tired of going through those same motions with him.

It has been a really difficult couple of months. I'm having another one of those sleepless nights crying into my pillow, feeling completely hopeless. 

The topic of tonight is time, once again, and how quickly it is running out. Also, I’ve realised that I have no clue who I really am behind this happy mask I’ve been wearing for most of my life. 

For most of my life, I have been described as a happy child, always with a smile on my face. Someone who is warm and inviting. And although this is true about me, I just doubt whether I really know what it means to be happy with this life. Yes, I have felt happiness, but it's always fleeting - here one moment, gone the next. 

How would people see me if I wasn’t pretending to be OK? What would they think of me if they knew I was falling apart? How do you react to that? I must admit that I don't know how to respond to this either because my close friends don’t talk to me about their personal issues/ feelings. Boys are an easy issue to discuss and complain about, but it's the true feelings that are harder to put in to words. 

I'm supposed to be figuring everything out during this year off, but I don't even know where to start looking for the right answers. I feel as though I have been searching in all the wrong places, and coming up short at every turn. 

This is making me feel a little panicked, as though I need to start making those decisions now. It's already August! Applications close in September and I just can't see how to get from here to there in one piece. It's really difficult to be patient. 

I'm just so tired. Thursday can't come soon enough. 

Unhinged

Things get crazy and i feel I’m losing my mind

I don’t know what to do

I’m going insane and I really don’t know why

There’s only one thing to do

I’m floating through the night on a red eye

I can’t understand, I don’t understand it

The visions in my head

I just can’t make sense of it

I can never run 

There’s no use for it baby

Red Eye - Haim ft Kid Cudi

I wish that i had someone to really talk to. not just the shallow "how are you" but a sharing of deep meaningful words that span across our hears and bridge our souls together.

I’m not looking for love. love is too complicated. i simply want to lay my words out bare, vulnerable, and not care what you think of me or my world. 

i just want you to hear me. no more pretending. no more illusions that i am ok.

Because, the truth is, even though nothing appears out of order, my world has come unhinged.  and i need you to help me balance it again.

Quote: You will understand

2 am

Hazy sensations

My subconscious mind knows more than I can ever consciously comprehend.

I attract people I can relate to -

In an endless search for a connection.

I need to know that I am not alone.

Drawing close to someone in the same position as me.

Another heart desperately seeking comfort.

Dealing with uncertain emotions.

I hide behind these feelings.

In this way, I avoid facing my troubles.

For a moment, his touch takes away the pain.

Or at least he helps me forget,

even if for just a little while,

I can lose myself to this hazy sensation.

It is unreal -

A disconnection from reality

He provides the perfect distraction.

He is already running.

My mind fools my heart into believing

There is nothing to fear if he is unavailable. 
-N.M-

I miss...

... being in love.

I miss that addictive feeling - never being able to get enough of this one person. Someone that just instantly makes your heart sing.

I miss the sweet messages - the cute little texts saying that he’s randomly thinking about you throughout the day.

I miss opening my heart up completely, unafraid that he will reject me - being able to trust him completely to protect this fragile heart that I have kept locked away for too long; trusting him to love me unconditionally.

I miss being vulnerable - free to show him the little pieces of my life that I hide away from the rest of the world.

But most of all, I miss having that one person to share my life with.

Someone that can’t sleep without checking that you are ok and someone that is genuinely interested in hearing about every second of your day.

And you know that he feels the same way about you because he isn’t afraid to tell you. He needs to hear your voice, your laughter and loves to see you smile.

Quote

You see that girl?

/

"Take a good look at yourself..."

"Take a look at yourself in a mirror. Who do you see looking back? Is it the person you want it to be? Or is there someone you were meant to be, but fell short of? Is someone telling you that you can’t or won’t be that person? But don’t believe them, because you can. Believe that love is out there. Sometimes happiness doesn't come from money or fame or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family and the quiet nobility of leading a good life. So take a good look at that mirror and remind yourself to be happy, because you deserve to be. Believe that. And believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do."

You are not alone ♥

If ever you need someone to talk to, I'm only an email away... 

Take care friends ♥

In the dead of the night

In the dead of the night,

when the moon is high and the stars shine bright,

what plagues your mind?

Is it peaceful thoughts?

Or confrontations and unanswered questions ringing out loud?

For me, all these emotions start to appear.

Fears and anxieties buried deep down

Come to the surface and fight for control.

They keep me awake.

Until the darkest hour, there is no escape.

My mind is not mine alone.

All these voices,

They tell me different things -

All my insecurities and greatest concerns are exposed before me.

I feel ashamed, disappointed and worthless.

But I know that it is not all my fault.

Some things are beyond my reach.

I cannot change what was, but I can change what may be.

I can choose to fight to regain the power that has vanished within me.

So, I still my mind and take a deep breath in and slowly let it out.

Nothing is lost that can be found once again. ©
-N.M-

Please find me soon...

My dreams have been plagued by knights in shining armour... A strong bold man that has come to sweep me off my feet. He takes me in his arms and never wants to let go. He looks deeply into my eyes, and without hesitation, he kisses me passionately. I want this dream to last forever. I want it to be real.

But it's not. And when I open my eyes I am filled with a feeling of loss as I slowly come to my senses and realise that it was all just my subconscious mind playing tricks on me. So to hide the disappointment, I brush it off. I'm better off anyway. I force myself to think about all the hurt that men cause. The lying, the cheating and vulnerability that comes with a relationship. "I don't need that in my life", I tell myself over and over again.

It's almost as if I am afraid to love again. I want to shelter my heart and keep it safe. It's too precious and delicate to be broken once more. It might not recover this time.

I just want to skip all this bullshit and find the one man that will make me his wife and a mother to his children. The one that will never dream of hurting me, and that will respect me for who I am. He will understand and appreciate all my flaws, and day by day we will grow together, becoming a force to be reckoned with.

I know he's out there. Somewhere.
Please find me soon. Until that day, I will be waiting, as patiently as I can.

Laying here alone

Laying here alone.

Dreaming of someone to hold.

My body longs to be touched,

my heart aches to be loved

and my soul yearns to be found.

But my mind will not allow it.

My fragile heart is too easily broken

 and too easily fooled into believing that fairy tails do really exist.

Not seeing the truth hidden deep behind deceitful eyes.

Instead,

it drifts away from my fantasies of happily ever after.

And all that it focuses on is the hurt that may follow, 

the pain that may be inevitable 

and the time that could be wasted trying to recover.

That is why this is easier.

Atleast my mind believes that I am safe from the danger of falling in love again.

-N.M-

***

Mask

Lonely heart ♥

I really love this picture. I found it on An Eternal Delicacy, blog site. Sometimes I miss having someone in my life to love and to be loved by. And yeah, sometimes, as much as I would hate to admit it, I feel lonely. The attention from a relationship can be addictive. And after having that for the most part of 2 and a half years, its difficult to go without.

But at the same time, I think that it is important for me to go through those lonely nights and to be single. I need to be on my own and grow stronger, so that when I finally do find someone that I would like to enter into a relationship with, it wont be because I can't stand being alone, it will be for the right reasons - whatever they maybe at that point in my life. ♥