Morph

I’ve been trying to change myself for the longest time.
Trying to grow into something more.
Trying to morph into the perfect form.

This girl in the mirror is not enough.
She has never been enough.

Day after day, I wait.
Day after day I wait,
but nothing ever happens -
I am still the person I've always been;

Feeling smaller,
Slightly less than whole.
Missing pieces
broken off along the way.

-N.M-

Tonight I shed a tear

Tonight I shed a tear, 
for the love that I never quite had, 
but always silently hoped for;
And for friendship that I held on to so tightly.

It seemed like the only certainty 
when everything was falling down around me.

The past few nights 
I've been trying to figure out what changed.
All the while missing you, 
and trying not to show it.

It just meant so much that you understood.
You cared enough to seek for more 
than just the surface of my thoughts.

I depended on you, 

but maybe I shouldn't have.
I knew you could never save me.

I thought you trusted me,

enough to share all that you're going through
and simply be honest with me.

I thought that I was important to you.

I said that I’d always fight 

for us to stay in some kind of relationship -  
whatever shape or form; 
and promised to never run and hide.
But you can’t fight with someone that walks away.

So instead, 
I'll fight every urge to message you,

or demand answers for your silence.

The truth is, I might never see you again -
Only the future can tell whether our paths will cross once more.

I will no longer hold on to you -

I’m finally letting you go.
I’m letting us go.

-N.M-

I wrote this a few months ago, but wasn't ready to share it yet. But it feels just as relevant now as it did back then. The only difference is that I didn't quite let go. I was constantly going back and forth on my word. I kept falling in love with him, when I should have known better. Walking away hurts. But with each step I grow stronger. 

Relationships are certainly not for the faint-hearted.

Every time you desperately wish for something

“Every time you desperately wish for something 
you think you want or need, 
and you do not receive it, 
I believe it is God’s way of telling us 
that it is not good enough. 
I think it is a lesson of patience 
and a sign telling us to wait 
for something better. 
There is a reason you are not 
with that person and 
there is a reason why 
you missed that train on the day 
you were already late. 
There is a purpose
in all these heartaches 
and blessings hiding 
in all this pain and these closed doors.
Today you will question why 
but tomorrow, 
you will begin to understand.”

—	A Story A Day #219 by M.D.L (via mingdliu)

Tiny cracks all across the surface

Have I ever truly been whole? 

There are little pieces chipped away on the inside of me, 

and tiny cracks all across the surface. 

But from a distance you’d never say – 

because everything appears picture perfect.

As I gaze upon the sea

Standing on the shore, while the ice cold waves gently break against my legs, 

i look out into the great mass of blue. 

It is so beautiful here. 

these waves refresh my spirit; 

i almost feel renewed. 

if only this feeling could last...

if only these waves could wash away my troubles altogether- 

i would submerge myself; 

give in to the sea completely.  

it is inevitable

I’m afraid of growing up,

but time keeps aging me. 

I want to scream STOP! -

but there's no slowing it down.

It is inevitable

that life goes on.

No matter how many nights

you cry yourself to sleep,

life goes on.

-N.M- 

I'm terrified of life leaving me behind

I miss my heater,

Warming my tiny little room, miles from here. 

There I was alone with my thoughts -

Solitude was my confidant.

Snuggled in my bed, listening to the rain fall.

I had an idea of where my life was headed;

With some sense of a future. 

Now all that is gone. 

But this is not all bad.

There is family here - 

Love and support. 

I just wish that my mind wasn't so muddled. 

I wish that I was more grateful. 

I just hate that I feel as though

I am going nowhere slowly.

Time is running out. 

I have unknown deadlines -

Because I know I can't sit idly forever. 

Life must go on. 

And it will –

With or without me. 

And I’m terrified of being left behind.

-N.M-

"No, I will no longer love the people who poison me."

“

I have spent twenty years letting other people break my heart.

Not tonight. I am taking myself back. No, you cannot kiss me, I know you are only looking for a pair of lips to wash her out of your brainstem. No, you cannot hold me, I know you are only lonely because you refuse to ask out the boy of your dreams. No, I will not write you anymore lovesick poetry, it only makes you live forever. No, I won’t put your needs before mine any longer, you would never do the same for me. No, I will not be another footnote, another forgotten one, another shotglass broken on this floor. No, you cannot have me, not now, not today, not ever again.

I am going to finally be my own person. I refuse to be the shadow of another girl, the bed to keep you warm, the transitional object.

I reclaim myself. I am my own. And you cannot harm me.

”

—	No, I will no longer love the people who poison me. /// r.i.d (viainkskinned)

Caught in a riptide

It really feels like the holidays were a lifetime away. I have been caught in this intense riptide and have been trying to break through the surface for the longest time. Every now and again I’d manage to come up for air, but then something would always just pull me back under again. But finally I can breathe freely again. There are no sea weeds tangled around my legs. I'm floating gently on the surface. The sun is setting. The sea gulls are going about their business in the distance. I wish life would stay this way indefinitely. 

Laying here alone

Laying here alone.

Dreaming of someone to hold.

My body longs to be touched,

my heart aches to be loved

and my soul yearns to be found.

But my mind will not allow it.

My fragile heart is too easily broken

 and too easily fooled into believing that fairy tails do really exist.

Not seeing the truth hidden deep behind deceitful eyes.

Instead,

it drifts away from my fantasies of happily ever after.

And all that it focuses on is the hurt that may follow, 

the pain that may be inevitable 

and the time that could be wasted trying to recover.

That is why this is easier.

Atleast my mind believes that I am safe from the danger of falling in love again.

-N.M-

***