2015 in Review

A list of the good stuff that I would like to take away from 2015 :) 

Better late than never!

1.       Started studying Psychology!

For the first time I can say that I finished this year on a very good note and achieved really great results. I enjoyed most of my modules this year and found the content very interesting. There were a few ups and downs along the way, but in the end I am happy with the way that this year went.

2.       Became a Peer Helper and got involved on campus

3.       Got my driver’s licence!

Passing my driver’s test in July 2015 changed my life for the better. It made life much easier for me and my family and allowed me to have more independence.

4.       Great conversations with my mentor.

My mentor is an amazing woman. I have mentioned her here and there in a few of my posts in the past. I am truly grateful for her continued support and encouragement of the past year. We have a monthly Skype session and she always makes an effort to fit me into her busy schedule.

5.       Met interesting new people and made a few great friends.

6.       Started facilitating at Revive and became part of the team.

7.       Started working at a bookstore. 

             My very first formal part-time employment. 

Looking forward to what this year has to offer!

Major update!

Last time I posted, I was feeling really stressed out about not yet having heard back from the university about studying this year... 2015 had not started off on a very good foot, and time was already flying by so fast. The last thing I wanted was to spend another year like 2014!

But a few days later I finally received my acceptance to NMMU, and things started moving forward. I was really nervous about staring all over again and I had no idea what to expect. I attended all my orientation activities, chose my subjects and registered! It was a very weird feeling. I could never have imagined being in this situation - studying in my home city, doing anything other than medicine...

Regardless, I decided to see this whole experience as turning over a new leaf. I was getting a chance to change the direction in which my life was going. How often do we actually have the liberty to really start over? So, with some encouragement from my mentor, I kept telling myself to take one little step at a time, and look on the bright side of things. 

Before I knew it things were moving full speed ahead. It must be said that starting university again at 24 is a vastly different experience to starting varsity fresh out of high school at 18. For one thing, I barely knew anyone around me. And for another, I could approach this with the wisdom and maturity that I gained from my previous experience. I feel more comfortable interacting with different people, and competent with my academic abilities. This is a pleasant change for me.

I look forward to the rest of this year and all that it entails.

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead

I had a meeting with my mentor again today. 

She asked me if I could honestly tell her that I still wanted to study medicine.  This is not the first time that we have spoken about this and she is not the first person to ask. Every other time I just give my default answer – Yes, without thinking about it. Because saying no would warrant an explanation.  an explanation that I don’t have yet; one that I am afraid of.

However, this time, I realised that I couldn't answer her. Instead, with tears running down my face, I told her that I don’t know any more. For the first time, I allowed myself to feel the uncertainty, without blocking it out. I have started facing my true feelings about being here, in a place that has just made me the unhappiest I have ever been.

I feel as if I’m just rolling with the punches and just submitting to this beating that life has been dishing out.

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead. But is it really? It hurts. It hurts so much that I've learnt how to dull the pain. To give up all feeling. There comes a point when you start to run out of tears from all the crying. You realise that crying makes you feel miserable and it doesn't fix anything.

I am so scared of making a decision about whether I should stay or go that I have given it up to the university to decide my fate.

What happens if they tell me that I can continue my studies? Will I be happy? And what if they tell me that I can no longer study here? Will I feel relieved? Will that make me happier?

I guess this leaves it up to me to really think about what will make me happy. 

I don’t know what I will do if I leave this place but I also don’t know what will change if I stay. This is the uncertainty that I am struggling with. I don’t know what I’m meant to do with my life anymore. I used to be so certain about all of this.  

If I quit, I feel as if I will never get a degree or have a career. I will have nothing to account for the past 5 years of my life. But if I continue, how will I get through another year without further ruining my life by making very bad decisions?

I’m still trying to figure out why certain things have happened. My poor heart has taken such a beating already. It’s almost as if I have given up a little of my faith.  I think that I feel nothing because otherwise I would break completely. It seems that everything is spinning out of control. Fast. This feeling of hopelessness is turning into destruction.

Every day in class I look around at all these people that I barely know. All of them seemingly doing well. Do they see the failure that fills my heart? that I can’t seem to escape from? And every time I try to study, it’s like I don’t know what I should be doing. 

I just don’t know how to make this work.                                                                       

In desperate need of some serious retail therapy...

*Sigh what a long couple of weeks this has been... I'm all done with classes for the year, but now I just have to wait for the rest of the 2nd years to finish “Intro to Clinical Medicine” before we start with final exams – on the 22nd November!

I know that I should be grateful for the time that I have to prepare, but I can’t help just wanting to get this all over with. I’m so tired of studying and I still have like 2 weeks of endlessly long days spent in front of books, books and more books!! I think I might just go crazy!! 

And as much as I try, I still find it difficult to keep focused and stick to my study plan. There’s that little voice in the back of my mind that's scared shitless of having to rewrite these exams in Jan next year. 

But I know that I really can’t keep thinking like that. I have come a long way since last year, and it would be a shame to deny all the changes that have happened in my life, by still believing that I am not capable of achieving my goals.  I have grown in my faith and I have a strong support system around me. So all that is left is to just get on with what I need to do. 

Medicine will never be easy, and there will always be challenges. The only thing that will determine my outcome is whether I rise to meet those challenges, or back away with some excuse of not being strong enough or good enough.  

I don’t want to look back at the end of this year and think that I did not do everything that I could to get to where I want to be. 

So I guess that this leaves me with no choice other than to just soldier on… into the trenches I go. This is WAR!

Self-doubt

I screwed up. Again. It's almost as if I'm expecting myself to repeat all the same bad patterns as before. Where I leave all my studying to the last minute and end up wasting so much time; where I fail to stick to my schedule and plan. I've tried being so much more positive this time around, but once again I feel as if I've let myself down.

Things were supposed to be different now, but it seems as if I completely freeze the minute that I see that things are going well for me. And then I sabotage myself and in the end things end up going wrong. Just as I dreaded they would.

How do I stop these negative and self-doubting thoughts and words from getting the better of me? I am generally an optimistic person. I believe the best of everyone and I tend to look at the brighter side if things. So why can't I do this for myself? Wasn't passing my exams last semester proof enough that I can do this, and that I rightfully deserve to be here?? I have worked hard and earned this. This is my glorious obsession! And it's much bigger than I am. God has placed this desire and passion in my heart. I am meant to be here. I truly believe that.

So why do I keep hitting these same walls every time?

When the days all look the same...

It's hard to tell what day it currently is... They've all started to merge together, with each one being exactly the same! For the past few days I've been trying to study for tests that I have coming up on Wednesday and Friday. We finished classes on Tuesday and have been "lucky" enough to have this time to just study. And it doesn't help that the weather has been miserable all weekend. Lots of rain and a terrible wind has been blowing. So I haven't been outside in a while either... Arrgh!

So initially, my plan of action was to draw up a timetable and try to cover a little bit of everything everyday so that I can get through most of it. But its been going slower than anticipated and I've fallen behind. But I don't feel stressed out insanely, yet. Its different to before. I am nervous and worried that I won't finish in time, but I guess I just have to keep on doing what I can. I can only hope that it goes a lot better than last year. I want to do well for a change and not just scrape through.

And now I guess I best just keep on, keeping on...

My escape

Sometimes it's easier to be here at varsity and not in the middle of everything that goes on at home. I guess it's mostly because nothing seems to be working out for us. My father is away at work in another city on a course, and he seems more distant than ever (emotionally). My mother also has her own fair share of problems with her former employee, that has been ongoing for the past two years now. And because of this we are facing many financial problems. 

Even though we still have a lot to be grateful for, it just feels like we can't catch a break. Is it really too much to ask for? 

I still believe everything happens for a reason. I know that my mother believes that too - no matter what she is faced with. She truly is one of the strongest women that I know and I admire her so much. I just wish that she didn't have to keep fighting against these obstacles that get thrown at her. It's about time that she has a chance to live her life the way she wants to, without anything or anyone hanging over her head.

But anyway, I know we can't predict the future, we have to learn to accept the fact that not everything is under our control. There are far greater powers at work. And He knows exactly what lies ahead for each of us. Sometimes this is really easy to forget. 

So right now, I'm going to focus on studies. This is my escape, and my chance to change things for my future. One day I will be able to help my family and provide for them, not because I need to, but because I want to. Not to live an extravagant life, but to be comfortable within our means. 

RESULTS!!!!! June (Mid-year) Exams

I passed! I passed! I passed!!!

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw my marks! (Maybe because they were half-filled with years!) I almost didn't believe that it was possible. My self-confidence levels have been running on low lately.

To say that I was near breaking point before I went to the notice board would be an understatement! The anticipation and anxiety had me all knotted up inside.

*Biiiiiig sigh of relief!* I can put this semester behind me and complete this year once and for all. Round 2 has begun and its going to be tougher than ever.

I've been given another chance to show what I am truly made of. How can I doubt myself anymore when there are so many signs telling me that God clearly wants me to be here. There is a reason for everything, right? So there is a reason that I am still here.

So, no more doubting myself. I have some unfinished business to complete...

Things are finally starting to look up. :)

Brain overload

It's just about that time when my brain feels overloaded with all this info and it almost feels as if it's about to shut down.... Some of these lectures can be so boring! And some go so fast that I end up getting lost half way through and then zoning out completely.

Sigh - I need to find some solid ground before it all shatters beneath me. But it still seems like the same saga over and over again. I know how important this all is, and I know how hard I need to work. I've even drawn up a list of goals and positive affirmations for the semester. So what more is there left to say?

It's getting to the point of total absurdity. I mean everyone else in this situation has grasped the reality of it all, and they have "taken the bull by the horns" this time around. And they are doing really well. So why can't I? Why do I find it so difficult?

I'm beginning to feel a little pathetic and ashamed. I know deep down that I am capable of retaining all the info that I need to know. So what is stopping me?
I'm tired of having all the answers but having nothing to show for it. Tired of making empty promises and selling myself short.

I feel as if I'm the only one facing these problems. But I have so many opportunities to change and grow as a stronger and more confident future doctor. Maybe it still all boils down to whether I believe in myself or not, whether I believe that I have what it takes.

Sometimes I wish that there was a magic potion that I could take to help me, and to make it all easier...

"Take this new life and embrace it"

So, I'm back at varsity again. All unpacked and settled into my room. Books and everything ready for the beginning of a new semester.

It was really quite a mission getting back. I was soo stressed before I got on to the bus - almost to the point of breaking. I started crying when I said goodbye to my mother. I think all the chaos of the last few weeks had finally taken its toll. I was worrying about having to carry all my luggage alone and about not having my phone with me. But I think the main reason was because this time, I'm not going back home for a few months. I'm on my own again and probably won't see my mother for some time. I really do hate leaving her.

This semester is definitely not going to be easy. But I need to take each day as it comes. I read an amazing post on one of my favourite blogs. The writer was asked how to adapt quickly to being in a new country and how to deal with missing family and friends and the way life used to be. Her response really put a few things into perspective.

What stood out for me was: "you’ve gotta come to grips with the truth; the reason why you left, the possibility and potential that awaits you every morning."

The reason I left home, was to study medicine and to become a doctor. It's not going to happen over night but this is exactly where I want to be.

And even though it's already been one hell of a journey, it's not going to get any easier. But nonetheless, I'm going to CHOOSE to stay and fight. To NOT give up. I want this. I believe that it is my destiny and that this is God's plan for my life.

It's time to stop beating around the bush and accept that I AM A MEDICAL STUDENT. I'm ready to open up to all the new opportunites and possibilities that are yet to come. It's time to start climbing up my mountain again. This time, with renewed energy, hope, faith and confidence.

"Take this new life and embrace it, treat everything as a blessing, even the bad, especially the bad - how else would we grow stronger and learn a lesson, and feel, really feel to the depths of our souls, that we’re alive? "
- RISK EVERYTHING FEAR NOTHING

Post - Exam Update

The past couple of weeks have been filled with many ups and downs.... it feels like a lifetime has passed in a mere two months. But I guess that's how it usually feels around exam time.

I wish that this wasn’t the case though. I wish that I could report back that I found these exams wonderfully challenging. That I was completely prepared and that I used all my time wisely. But sadly, this isn’t the way things ended up. Once again it felt like a struggle to get through. And even so, I’m still left with some doubts in my mind. I pray with all my heart that I can make it through this semester. But I am disappointed in myself. I know that I did not do all the things that I promised myself. I didn’t give it my best shot. 

I have tried to sort out what my (mental) block has been this year. I have even tried putting it aside to focus on what is important to me. But sometimes it still feels too big to move passed and it is almost as if I’m just watching time pass by.

However, I have the next 2 weeks off on an OFFICIAL holiday to try and figure everything out. This time, I have nothing hanging over my head. So, I can just breathe. Guilt free. 

Study update......

So, for the past couple of days I have been trying to get my studying in order. I set up a little study area in my room... started filing away some notes... made a list of things I need to know... and tried planning my week. But then when I needed to actually start studying, I didn't know where to begin. I cant help having this feeling of hopelessness looming over my head.. which takes me straight back to where I was last year - with the fear of failing or of not being good enough.

I don’t know why I keep going back to that dark place. Even though I know that NOTHING is the same and that I have come a long way. And I do see the small improvement in my marks. So what’s still holding me back??

I keep finding my mind drifting off into nothingness... or I start doing something random, like checking my emails, or searching the internet for who knows what... my mentor seems to think that this may be a way of self-sabotaging myself. A bit drastic - I know, but it somehow does make sense. But why? Am I afraid of being a doctor one day? Do I not believe that I am good enough? Do I even want to do this?

 I hate feeling like this. I sometimes just wish that I could wake up one day with a determined mind and just sit down and study.... I'd be confident that I am using my skills efficiently and taking in all this wonderful knowledge. Oh how wonderful that would be! I know its probably not as difficult as I m think it is, but I just don't know how to get that mindset. 

Sigh, well tomorrow is another day...