Wednesday, 17 December 2014

The truth hurts

Days all sift into one, and I can't seem to find any meaning in it anymore. I'm awake all night searching my heart for something more, trying to forget all the waste that I have in my past. Memories haunt me as every detail drifts into my mind unwelcomed bringing up emotions I can't control.

I’ve now come to realise that the only way to get closure is to see the situation exactly as it is, and not try to comfort myself with a front.


The truth hurts sometimes – no doubt. But isn't living in pretense worse? Trying to placate myself only for the time being by spinning stories about the reasons things happened, or why people feel a certain way won’t really help me let go. I just have to accept it the way that it is. 

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

The paths of our lives

The paths of our lives twist and turn around each other whenever the timing is right.

I miss you.
But I will not call you back in to my life after you have decided to walk out of it. It is time for me to accept that I cannot fight to keep you here. Just know that you will always be loved as a friend. 

But it is under your control whether we keep in contact. There is always a choice. I believed that you would always want a connection between us, but maybe after some time it didn't feel as important to you. 

I read a verse the other day, "Depend not on other people"
It seems this is a lesson I must learn. 


Thursday, 27 November 2014

Love at first sight?

I'm not the type of person you fall in love with at first sight. But I've been told that there is a lightness about me that draws people in. I want to believe this. Maybe I once did. But that was a long time ago. These days I feel as though I am a quite the opposite: a darkness from which everyone runs.

Relationship stuff

I'm not good with any of this relationship stuff. I keep most of my friends at a distance, and they do the same. And eventually it just fizzles out. I have tried so many times. But I just can't seem to get it right. So I think it might be a good time for me to just tap out.


Monday, 24 November 2014

Nostalgia

nos·tal·gia
näˈstaljə,nəˈstaljə
noun
  1. "A sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations."

During church last night I was suddenly overcome by an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. It always makes me think of Hillsong Church, and everything about my life back in Cape Town; aside from the studies. I know that I can’t really compare the two churches because they are quite different. But there is just something so much more vibrant about the atmosphere at Hillsong. Walking through those doors was exciting. People boldly lifted up their hands in worship and danced during the more upbeat songs. And I felt more comfortable expressing myself in that way too. Here, the atmosphere often feels a little more subdued. People worship a little differently and seem a little more serious.

It really isn't fair to compare these churches, but I mourn the loss every time I hear a familiar song. But it’s not just the church itself that I miss. I miss fellowship and the little cell group I belonged to. I miss having people to connect with; even if it was just for a couple hours a week.

I also felt so safe on campus. I didn't realise that until this year. I used to complain constantly about how isolated it was and how closed off from the world I was.


But right now, I’m kinda feeling like a tiny fish plucked out it's fish bowl and placed back into the great big ocean. 

Saturday, 22 November 2014

These dreams keep me up at night

The birds have started chirping; marking the end of night and still I am awake. In the distance I hear the sound of what must be the horn of a ship going off every couple minutes. 
I still struggle to fall asleep these days, even though i am feeling completely drained. 

I thought that I had started making progress and dealing with everything that this year has thrown at me. But not too long after some of the dust had settled, was it all just shaken up again. 

Someone recently told me that the only way to get closure is to move on with your life. I'm not sure whether or not I believe this statement. Maybe I just don't really understand what it means to really move on. I have been holding on to so many different things from my past. Have I ever really had any closure? My heart still feels weighed down.


My mentor reminds me that it is still OK to feel this way; as though nothing really makes sense. She is the only person that I feel comfortable showing my real feelings to. And although I am sure she is moved by my pain, it does not change her life. This makes it easier for me. She allows me to be who I am at that very moment. I don’t have to pretend or feel ashamed. 

Arthur Golden

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Best Friend Rights and Responsibilities

"If you’re depressed, I will be there for you.
As everyone knows, depressed people are some of the most boring people in the world. I know this because when I was depressed, people fled. Except my best friends. I will be there for you during your horrible break-up, or getting fired from your job, or if you’re just having a bad couple of months or year. I will hate it and find you really tedious, but I promise I won’t abandon you."
Excerpt from Mindy Kaling's book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) 

Friday, 14 November 2014

Resurfacing


I have been avoiding this blog like the plague. There are many reasons, but mainly because I just wasn't feeling up to expressing all the thoughts that were going through my mind. I put my blinders on and just wanted to get through this year. I was feeling overwhelmed with my life, and very uninspired. But this week the inspiration has slowly been seeping back into my bones and has taken over my heart once again.

And I must admit, it is a really good feeling.

Another reason I couldn't write was because I was getting over someone that I really cared about. It has finally sunken in that he didn't have the same regard for our friendship as I did. I was struggling to understand how things could have changed so drastically between us in just a year. Every word I wrote spilled his name all across my page.

I was uncertain if he was even still reading my blog and I didn't want him in my mind, whilst I was still oblivious as to what was going through his. I didn't want him to know how much he really hurt me. But I have now moved on. There are too many things in my life to worry about. He will not be one of them.

To be honest, I still miss him sometimes. But life goes on. I have come to understand and accept that I am the type of person that doesn't let go of someone very easily. As cliché as this may sound; I love with every fibre of my being. No matter what kind of relationship we have. And this is OK.

So, wherever he is, I hope that he is happy and doing well.

Aside from that, I have been living in my own bubble for the past few months. But I have made a couple really cool friends, and things have started looking up a little for next year. There are still some hard decisions to make, but this year is almost over. I can’t believe it!





Memories cause me pain

But even the pleasant memories bring me pain.
They’ve hurt ever since he left,
Ever since he turned away.

I cringe when I hear his name
My heart breaks when I see his face.
I thought I was in control
But I had it all wrong.
-N.M-

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Cynical; A definition

cyn·i·cal 
adj.

1. Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others

2. Selfishly or callously calculating

3. Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness

4. Expressing jaded or scornful skepticism or negativity

Saturday, 4 October 2014

Mothers are only human too

My mother has been booked off from work for a month by a psychologist that she has seen about her work problems. Nothing has been resolved since she went back in August. Instead, it has just been getting worse. The psychologist also referred her to see a psychiatrist and she is now taking antidepressants.

This is all difficult to deal with. She pretends that she is OK; that she is just doing this because of the work stuff, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. But I don’t think that she is ready to face that just yet.

I know that this may seem a little delayed, but it’s almost as if I only just recently realised that my mother is struggling to keep everything together. To me, she has always been this really strong woman that has the answers to everything. And it breaks my heart to see her weaknesses.

I can’t help wishing that she would take control of her life and make decisions for herself and not worry about everyone else. But I guess that it is not as simple as that. We (my sisters and I) have always been her number one priority.

Since I have been home, I have distanced myself from her. Our relationship isn't the same as it was when I only saw her a couple weeks at a time. But then again, I am not the same person I was when I left home. And it’s just too difficult to share all of my issues with her. I don’t want her to try and fix me. I need to figure this out on my own. 


I am glad that she has taken these first steps. It takes courage to face your problems head on. And I strongly believe that my mother will get through it all. 

We all will, one way or another.

Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Stationary

I’m so fucking frustrated with my life. It feels as though we are standing stationary while everything around me keeps moving -

Time.
People.
Life.

It feels as though every time we (my family and I) take a step forward, something comes along and drags us two steps back.

It’s just so fucking unfair.

I have conversations like this in my head far too often these days. I want to be more optimistic but that’s just too fucking draining. Everything is too fucking draining.

I just want to get away.
Far, far away.

 But that requires money. Money requires a job. Finding a job requires experience.

And sadly, I’m in possession of none of these things. 

Friday, 5 September 2014

Tonight I shed a tear

Tonight I shed a tear, 
for the love that I never quite had, 
but always silently hoped for;
And for friendship that I held on to so tightly.


It seemed like the only certainty 

when everything was falling down around me.

The past few nights 

I've been trying to figure out what changed.
All the while missing you, 

and trying not to show it.

It just meant so much that you understood.
You cared enough to seek for more 
than just the surface of my thoughts.

I depended on you, 
but maybe I shouldn't have.
I knew you could never save me.


I thought you trusted me,
enough to share all that you're going through
and simply be honest with me.
I thought that I was important to you.

said that I’d always fight 
for us to stay in some kind of relationship -  
whatever shape or form; 
and promised to never run and hide.
But you can’t fight with someone that walks away.

So instead, 
I'll fight every urge to message you,
or demand answers for your silence.
The truth is, I might never see you again -
Only the future can tell whether our paths will cross once more.

I will no longer hold on to you -
I’m finally letting you go.
I’m letting us go.

-N.M-

I wrote this a few months ago, but wasn't ready to share it yet. But it feels just as relevant now as it did back then. The only difference is that I didn't quite let go. I was constantly going back and forth on my word. I kept falling in love with him, when I should have known better. Walking away hurts. But with each step I grow stronger. 

Relationships are certainly not for the faint-hearted.

Sunday, 31 August 2014

Broken relationships

How is it that friendships can so easily slip through our fingers? How is it that someone can just suddenly withdraw all contact and distance themselves without any explanation?? How was I to know whether or not I had done something wrong? I really thought that our friendship was deeper, and that I actually meant something to him. That is what he told me. Maybe it was all just bullshit.

I am so tired of writing about this, but I am hurt and angry. Maybe also a little disappointed. I really care(d) about him.

I know that I have been a mess lately and sometimes I can be difficult to be around/speak to. I don’t always say the right things and maybe I can be a little strong minded and stubborn. But I will not apologise for that. And I will not apologise for loving him or coming across too strongly.

I didn't need anything from him; I just thought that friendship was about being there for one another. He barely let me know what was going on with him, but whenever he did open up, I was there for him. 

A relationship is a two player game. If you decide to give up, there is nothing I can do. The decision is yours.

I wish I could say that this was the first time that this sort of thing has happened to me. But it’s not. Friends come and go from my life. And I probably have a lot to do with that. The thing that really gets me down, though, is that all these supposedly good friends of mine have never been honest with me and told me upfront what was wrong. I am not an unreasonable person! I will listen to you and try to understand where you are coming from. If you need space or time, or whatever, I will give that to you. But just don’t tell me that you care, when it is so easy for you not to.

I can feel all my walls going up again. Honestly, I thought he’d be the last person to destroy them. But maybe my heart was being a little too hopeful.  Why did I think that he would be different? 

Monday, 18 August 2014

Quote: Be kind to yourself

"Be kind to yourself. Stop telling yourself that whatever you are struggling with "should" be easy. If something is hard for you, it is hard for you. There are probably Reasons, though those may just be how you are wired. Acknowledge these things. When you finish something hard, be proud! Celebrate a little.

And really, just stop saying "should" to yourself about your thoughts and feelings in any context. You feel how you feel. The things in your head are the things in your head. You can't change either directly through sheer force of will. You can only change what you do. Stop beating yourself up for who and what you are right now–it isn't productive. Focus on moving forward."

-Keely Chaisson

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Lifeline Session 4: Collage

This week we had to prepare a collage to be discussed in our small group. The objective of the collage was to be a representation of my life and of who I am. This could have been interpreted in any way. 

I found it to be a little bit of a challenge trying to organise the pictures I had gathered. I was determined to do it perfectly. Only afterwards did I realise how my collage came out very structured. One of the facilitators also noticed this and suggested that it might be because I don’t have much structure in my life at the moment. And I think she was right. I was so focused on trying to get the perfect layout and have it all aligned. My pictures were also small, so there were a lot of different things going on, which made it quite a mouthful to explain.

On the first page of the poster, I included some of the things I enjoy doing, such as reading, writing, cooking and baking, dancing, spending time with friends. 

The bottom half represents the way I had been feeling for the past few years especially, and all that I had been going through. The masks I wear, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, constantly fighting against time, lonely and stressed. I was hesitant to include all these images because I think I didn't want to face it all again, and have to share it with the group. But in the end, I was glad that I did. This section actually depicts the real me - behind the smile that I wear to hide all that is really going on.



This section on the middle page shows all the relationships I hope to  have. I want to have a family of my own. I want to have that fairy tail wedding with the white dress. I want to marry a good and honest man that will love me unconditionally. I want to be a mother, spending lots of time with my family.

On the bottom of this page I included pictures of my past. Happy memories with friends and things that make me smile when I think back on those times. I also have a picture of the campus that had been my home for so many years. It left me feeling nostalgic, but also reminded me that my time at medical school was not all bad.

The last page included my aspirations, hopes and dreams. As you can see, this was quite a mouthful. But I am glad that I had the chance to share this with the group.

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Every time you desperately wish for something

Every time you desperately wish for something 
you think you want or need, 
and you do not receive it, 
I believe it is God’s way of telling us 
that it is not good enough. 
I think it is a lesson of patience 
and a sign telling us to wait 
for something better. 
There is a reason you are not 
with that person and 
there is a reason why 
you missed that train on the day 
you were already late. 
There is a purpose
in all these heartaches 
and blessings hiding 
in all this pain and these closed doors.
Today you will question why 
but tomorrow, 
you will begin to understand.
— 
A Story A Day #219 by M.D.L
(via mingdliu)

Saturday, 9 August 2014

Music: The Sun is Rising by Britt Nicole



When life has cut too deep and left you hurting
The future you had hoped for is now burning
And the dreams you held so tight  have lost their meaning
And you don't know if you'll ever find the healing


You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising

Every high and every low you're gonna go through
You don't have to be afraid, I am with you
In the moments you're so weak you feel like stopping
Let the hope you have light the road you're walking

You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
The night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising

Even when you can't imagine how
How you're ever gonna find your way out
Even when you're drowning in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds

Just look beyond the clouds

Friday, 8 August 2014

There are over a billion people in this world...

Why is it that I am holding on to someone that is so far outside my reach? Wouldn't it be so much easier and more sensible to just go out and find someone closer, more available? Why do we cling to the old, when we know that it only hurts more the tighter we hold on? There are over a billion people in this world; surely there must be someone around here that would make a good new friend. Instead I fight with my past for something that may not be in my future.

But I guess that it’s not that simple. Relationships are connected to emotions and feeling, so sometimes it’s just not that easy to let go. The heart reaches out and makes connections with people on a deeper level and it takes our brains some time to figure out why that is. 

Yes, I believe that people cross our paths for a reason, but I struggle with knowing when our paths are no longer aligned, and when it’s time to move on.

Sometimes the heart is ready to let go, but we are not brave enough to let that happen. We are creatures of habit, and are usually afraid of change. So naturally, we find making new relationships a little daunting. We are afraid to start all over because there is fear in the unknown.

But it is far more important to surround yourself with people that you can trust, and that you feel comfortable opening up to; someone that can be there for you when times are tough. 



Friendships are not always going to be a walk in the park, but they do require effort from all parties involved. Only fight for someone who is willing to fight for you too. I need to realise that I can't keep holding on to relationships that only hurt me more and more every day. 

Thursday, 7 August 2014

Lifeline Session 3: Learning and growing

Today’s session explored our self-concept, self-disclosure, acceptance of feelings, and self-acceptance.  We also spoke a little bit about the meaning of life and tragic optimism.

Tragic optimism is the principle that life can be potentially meaningful under any condition, even for the miserable and despite of the pain or guilt that we are going through. It allows for us to turn suffering into achievement; move from guilt to improve ourselves for the better; and the ability to take action.

The search for meaning involves taking responsibility for our feelings, thoughts and actions. This can be better explained in Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s Search For Meaning”. 

I haven’t quite thought about life like this. I've just been wallowing in self-pity. But this is not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I need to read that book!

Self-disclosure means to communicate to others some personal information about ourselves in order to build relationships with them and become meaningfully involved. This also helps us learn more about ourselves.

“Personal growth requires not only that you acknowledge and accept weakness, but also that you recognise and develop your strengths.”

Acceptance of feelings is an important part of communicating with others. It shows them that you understand what they are feeling and essentially, lets them know that it is all right for them to feel that way. It means that you don't need to do something about the feeling - such as giving advice, giving assurance or even saying that you think the feeling is justified, but that you are comfortable with the person expressing that feeling.

This puts things into perspective about meaningful relationships. It’s so easy to try and reassure someone when they are going through something, but that may not be what they are looking for. Sometimes I just need someone to hear me and understand without trying to fix things, or feeling sorry for me. 

Self-acceptance is the ability to know our strengths, but also accept our weaknesses.

“When you value the different aspects of yourself, you feel accepted by others and you accept yourself, then you can actualise your own potential.”

Displaying IMG-20140823-03259.jpg
In group we spoke about our feelings in response to certain situations, using a list of feeling words. And we also drew our “secret place” – real or imaginary, where we go to escape life or take some time out. 

My secret place is a combination of real and imaginary. I've always loved gardens - colourful flowers and big strong trees. The mountains remind me of the distant Stellenbosch mountains I could see from the fields on campus. I like the way a flock of birds fly in unison at sunset or in the mornings. I love the sound of water flowing, and the way the clouds drift across the sky.  

I imagine myself alone in this place, free from distractions, and any worries. It is peaceful and comforting. 

Things are changing in my life. I can feel it. It's a slow process but I need to be patient and trust that in time things will start to work out. 

Friday, 1 August 2014

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen"

I feel completely alone, with no one to turn to. I’m wracking my brain trying to think of a friend to open up to, but no one comes to mind. I’ve kept everyone at arm’s length for so long that I don’t know how to be any other way. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with, without me falling apart in front of them. Nobody needs to see that.

True. No one knows my struggle, how I have built myself back up from the ashes to be stronger. No one knows but me, like no one knows you, but you. @AnnieK3ll3rPart of me wants to reach out to *F again, but the other half is stubborn and keeps reminding me that he really hasn’t been there for me lately. He doesn’t message or call anymore, and barely responds when I do. I’m tired of going through those same motions with him.

It has been a really difficult couple of months. I'm having another one of those sleepless nights crying into my pillow, feeling completely hopeless. 

The topic of tonight is time, once again, and how quickly it is running out. Also, I’ve realised that I have no clue who I really am behind this happy mask I’ve been wearing for most of my life. 
For most of my life, I have been described as a happy child, always with a smile on my face. Someone who is warm and inviting. And although this is true about me, I just doubt whether I really know what it means to be happy with this life. Yes, I have felt happiness, but it's always fleeting - here one moment, gone the next. 

How would people see me if I wasn’t pretending to be OK? What would they think of me if they knew I was falling apart? How do you react to that? I must admit that I don't know how to respond to this either because my close friends don’t talk to me about their personal issues/ feelings. Boys are an easy issue to discuss and complain about, but it's the true feelings that are harder to put in to words. 


I'm supposed to be figuring everything out during this year off, but I don't even know where to start looking for the right answers. I feel as though I have been searching in all the wrong places, and coming up short at every turn. 


This is making me feel a little panicked, as though I need to start making those decisions now. It's already August! Applications close in September and I just can't see how to get from here to there in one piece. It's really difficult to be patient. 


I'm just so tired. Thursday can't come soon enough. 

Thursday, 31 July 2014

Lifeline Session 2: The masks we wear

Today was our second session of the Lifeline course and it was pretty eye-opening. We spoke a little bit about trust and then went deeper into exploring the different masks that we each wear on a daily basis to cope with various situations in our lives. Masks can be a good or a bad thing, depending on whether you use it for your benefit, or to hide your feelings and emotions. Some people need to wear many masks while others don’t feel the need to wear any. But there is usually a cost involved, as it may affect your relationships and/or cause you to isolate yourself.

I hide behind smiles and laughter, when the truth is that I don’t truly know how to be happy and content with my life. I wear my mask to create a barrier between myself and others. I have a couple close relationships but I’ve realised that I still keep my guard up, not fully disclosing everything; keeping my real feelings and emotions hidden.

I’m afraid of being vulnerable and exposed because I don’t want to give anyone the chance to hurt me again. From my past experiences I think I have started to believe that most relationships don’t last. So I don’t want to be put into a position in which someone will have the upper hand if our relationship goes bad - for whatever reason.
 
I know that this is not a good way to think about relationships. I want to be more open about my true feelings and let people in. I think that my problem is that I don’t know how people will react or respond to all my overwhelming emotions. I mean, what do I expect them to say? What if I over-share and it changes their opinion of me in some way? 

Maybe I am also afraid of being judged by the things that hurt me the most. I don’t want people to pity me, or my family and all that we have been through. I don’t want to appear weak. This is one of my greatest struggles right now.




Thursday, 24 July 2014

Lifeline Session 1: Out of the darkness

I started attending a Personal Growth Course through Lifeline Community Wellness Centre. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I am honestly very glad that I found the course.

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to move forward with my life, and get over some of my painful past experiences. I feel stuck and I just don’t know how to deal with these overwhelming emotions.

Basically, this course is a journey towards greater self-awareness and self-discovery. The main goals are to gain greater self-insight, to learn to accept yourself and your feelings, to communicate more effectively, to expand your ways of relating and responding to others and to know yourself more fully.

Exactly what I need! My reasons for doing the course are:

- To figure out my true identity apart from once being a medical student
- To meet new people that are also facing similar challenges
- To find my purpose
- To make new friends
- To find joy within myself
- To let go of my past and move on with life.
- To help me become a mature and confident young woman
- To help me face my fears head on
- To help me start taking risks.
- To start healing all these scars from my past

We were allocated to smaller groups to discuss the different exercises for each session. One of today's tasks was to draw a picture of ourselves, and where we are in our lives. This is a very revealing exercise because even though one doesn’t have the skills of an artist, the image still comes across quite vividly.

It was quite something to listen to each person describing their pictures and to be able to open up, emotionally, to a group of strangers that I had only just met. I felt comfortable telling them all that had been weighing heavily on my heart the past couple days. Once I had started speaking, the tears just came - but I wasn’t embarrassed in any way. It was freeing to let it all out. They offered encouragement, and shared some of their own personal experience in similar situations. 

It’s time to move out of this darkness that I have been hiding in, and to accept that this is my life; I can’t silently wish it were different if I am not going to get up and do something to change it. I want to make the most of what I have been given, and be grateful for every blessing.

This is not about simply smoothing over the surface, hiding away my issues or making everything appear better. It's not even about trying to put a smile on my face and being be more positive. It's much more than those fancy quotes that I love, that tell you that everything will be OK one day; it is about building my self-confidence and truly believing in myself, with no doubts or second guessing.

It is time to change the things that make me unhappy - even if I just take one small step at a time.

Sunday, 20 July 2014

A little bit of hope

For a while I have not able to get out much, mostly because of financial restraints and because I don’t have my driving licence yet. And instead of trying, I have been avoiding all social contact all together. I think that I am still waiting for things to get easier and start falling in to place, even though I know that is not how things usually work out. 

I saw a student counsellor at the university last month, with the hope that she would help me find out about more possible options. But after making a list of values and things I want from a career, the rest of the conversation revolved around Medicine. She had the idea that doing anything else would not bring me full satisfaction, and instead I would just be settling. I think she was trying to motivate me to give it another try. But I was/am not convinced. She didn't really understand where I was coming from and I left feeling even more confused and hurt. She even tried talking me out of studying psychology, because according to her, it would not be worth it in the end.

I remember coming home and just crying for a few minutes, feeling as though I was just right back where I started, with no way to move forward.

The other day, I was searching the internet, looking for some kind of support group in the area and I stumbled across the Lifeline website. I phoned the organisation and they told me about a Personal Growth course that they offer for 8 weeks which starts on the 24th July. I am feeling very nervous about it and I have no idea what to expect, but I am hoping that this will help me deal with all the things that I am having trouble letting go of and also help me to move forward. I don't want to hold on to the past any more. 

Friday, 18 July 2014

I try to be better....

Another month has come and gone, and I still feel as though I'm standing in exactly the same place I was last month. 

I try to be better, but these changes don’t stick. I'm falling deeper and deeper into my own darkness. I know that I should pull myself out of this and start moving on with my life, but sometimes it just hurts too much.

I've lost my dreams and I don’t know what to want any more. I hate that everything is just so difficult. I just want my life to be easy. I want things to happen the way that they are supposed to. 

I don’t want to be this person anymore - weak, afraid and uncertain about who she is. How can I be this unhappy? I am exhausted by my endless days and by my own inadequacy.


Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Letter to my love #2

When everything hurts, in the dead of the night, will you be there? Hold my hand. I know that you can't stop the pain, but the comfort and warmth that you bring, lying next to me, will fill me with hope. You'll give me something to fight for. With you, I'll no longer feel weak. Together we are stronger.

I know this pain will not last.

Please remind me, of the beauty of the sunrise, that comes with each new day.

Friday, 11 July 2014

‘Every woman has the exact love life she wants.’

Kat:  You say, and I quote, Every woman has the exact love life she wants.’ Now that seems like a pretty a broad generalization....
Do you honestly believe that I want to be single and miserable? Do you think that I want to be hung up on some guy who led me on for years and out of the blue just shattered my heart?

Nick: Well first of all, there's no such thing as out of the blue. And second of all, yeah.

Kat:  What?

Nick: When you're ready to let go, to be un-single and un-miserable, you will. ‘Till then...

Monday, 30 June 2014

Half life

“Don’t call it a life, this half-hearted wandering through all of your days.”- Tyler Knott Gregson

I’m tired of this half-life that I have been living the past couple of days especially. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. It’s difficult for me to say this out loud, but I can’t help hating everything about my life, and I can’t see any way forward. I hate that I am living under this dark cloud of negativity, and I feel no motivation or drive to change anything.  I feel hopeless.

I almost ran into my ex, Guji, the other day. This city is way too small.  My friends and I were standing right behind him and his girlfriend. The second that I realised it was them, I turned right around and half ran to a safe distance away, dragging everyone with me. It was a gut reaction; my heart was beating so fast I didn’t have a chance to think it through. It was awful. I feel completely unequipped to deal with my life right now.

Is it too much to ask that my life be simple and easy? That is what this year was supposed to be about, fixing things and finding happiness, but I can barely get through a day without feeling drained and miserable.

I want to run. To run far, far away but I’m just too scared. I’m tired of having these same issues and of using the same excuses to avoid dealing with things. My heart is broken. I feel so completely broken, and I don’t know how to fix any of it.  



Thursday, 26 June 2014

Truth is...

Truth is, 

I’m not strong enough 
to fight for you.
Right now, holding on to you,
would mean losing myself in you.
-N.M-

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

I can't...

I can't undo what has already been done.
I can't take back the mistakes I've made.
I can't pretend that none of this has happened.
I can't rewrite my history and erase all the struggles I've been through.
I can't wash away the tears I've cried or minimise the pain I've felt.
I can't look back at the past and make it all magically disappear,

no matter how much I really want to.

Sunday, 22 June 2014

Just not ready

I went to see a career assessment counselor a couple of days ago, with the hope that she might give me some more options to explore. But that’s not how the meeting went down. During our conversation, I realised that this counselor was the same person that speaks to my sister. So, even though I’m sure she meant well, she had a preconceived idea of who I was, and I think she was a little biased with her advice.

Honestly, she didn’t really offer the help that I was looking for. Basically, we spoke about my values and priorities, when it comes to choosing a career. I told her what I was thinking about doing, and then she proceeded to try and convince me to not give up on medicine, and to give it another chance. She said that medicine was the only thing that would encompass everything that I was looking for. She suggested I try another university and not think of this as a complete failure.

I understand where she is coming from, and her intentions were probably good, but she just didn’t understand me. I didn’t just give up on medicine. I tried. For 5 years I tried to make it work. But I just don’t have it in me anymore - not right now. I’m still terrified of being a doctor, and of everything that I will have to deal with in that field.

Being scared may not be a good reason for some people, but it is for me. I still have some growing up to do before I can even think of going back there. I don’t want to spend the next 10 years of my life struggling and feeling miserable. Even if it may be worth it one day, I’m not sure whether I am willing to pay the price for all of that…


Life is too short to wait for something that may never turn out the way you hoped it would.