Skype Cell Group: Week 1: God will always reach out to you, wherever you may be

One of my best friends and her mother have started a cell group via Skype! She has been looking for a new cell group for a few weeks now, and asked me if I would like to be a part of it. I haven't found a church here at home yet, so this couldn't have been more welcome. It is a chance to have fellowship with a few women that are earnestly seeking God's heart. I need this.It is too easy to get lost in this world on our own and forget the promises God has made in our hearts. We need to be reminded of His goodness and love, especially during the storms in our lives.  

So, this group chat is made up of my friend - in Cape Town on campus, her sister - at their home in Somerset west; her mother - all the way in Wales; her friend - over in Newlands, UK; and me - here at home. 

It is truly amazing that no matter where you are in the world, the word of God can reach you. He will send you the right people to help you through whatever situation you may face, to support you and help you grow in His love. 

I am in awe. 

Here are little bits and pieces, words of wisdom and encouragement from the session. I will try to do this every week. I hope you find something that touches your heart too.

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No more excuses to worship God or to make time to spend in His word. He will meet us wherever we are. He sees us always. There is no place to hide away. We can be lost in the world, but He can find us, out on the greatest ocean, or in the vast dessert.

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The Lord tells us that He will be with us always because we are His children and He loves us more than we can ever know. So no more doubt, and no more fear.

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 “We don’t arrive in the Lord, we grow in Him.”

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Our past does not determine our future. And just because something didn’t change yesterday, doesn’t mean that it can’t change today or tomorrow. You need to feed the fire of the spirit that is burning within your heart in order for it to keep burning. And the only way to feed it is to turn to the word of the Lord.

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 Do not lose faith when you are facing a trial. Always remember that He is preparing us for what is still to come. This is only a phase in your life, and this is the time that God will be strengthening you. So hold fast to His word, and believe that He is fighting this battle for you.

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Let the holy spirit guide the decisions that you make in your life. And every morning when you wake up, put on the coat of peace, so that you may always know when you are making the wrong decision. You will know by the uneasy feeling in your heart. You will hear His guidance. Believe. Trust in Him always.

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Sometimes our own feelings of guilt will bring us down, but if we repent and give it up to God, then we will be free of it. He died to pay the ultimate price for our lives, that we may have an everlasting life with our Heavenly Father.

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Put your focus on Jesus and you will find your way.

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“He steadied me as I walked along.”

You see that girl?

/

When will it all end?

I'm tired -
of listening to the hurt in her voice,
of seeing the pain in her eyes.
It consumes her -
the worry,
the feelings of bitterness.
Losing control of everything around her.

But she keeps fighting -
against the world,
against the reflection in the mirror.
There's no escape -
from all the pain,
from all the conflict that grips and holds on to her soul.

All she wants is to be free -
to live the life she has always dreamed of.

She's been fighting for so long -
for the ones she loves,
for her independence,
to survive in this cruel world.

When will it all end?
-N.M-

In the dead of the night

In the dead of the night,

when the moon is high and the stars shine bright,

what plagues your mind?

Is it peaceful thoughts?

Or confrontations and unanswered questions ringing out loud?

For me, all these emotions start to appear.

Fears and anxieties buried deep down

Come to the surface and fight for control.

They keep me awake.

Until the darkest hour, there is no escape.

My mind is not mine alone.

All these voices,

They tell me different things -

All my insecurities and greatest concerns are exposed before me.

I feel ashamed, disappointed and worthless.

But I know that it is not all my fault.

Some things are beyond my reach.

I cannot change what was, but I can change what may be.

I can choose to fight to regain the power that has vanished within me.

So, I still my mind and take a deep breath in and slowly let it out.

Nothing is lost that can be found once again. ©
-N.M-

Self-doubt

I screwed up. Again. It's almost as if I'm expecting myself to repeat all the same bad patterns as before. Where I leave all my studying to the last minute and end up wasting so much time; where I fail to stick to my schedule and plan. I've tried being so much more positive this time around, but once again I feel as if I've let myself down.

Things were supposed to be different now, but it seems as if I completely freeze the minute that I see that things are going well for me. And then I sabotage myself and in the end things end up going wrong. Just as I dreaded they would.

How do I stop these negative and self-doubting thoughts and words from getting the better of me? I am generally an optimistic person. I believe the best of everyone and I tend to look at the brighter side if things. So why can't I do this for myself? Wasn't passing my exams last semester proof enough that I can do this, and that I rightfully deserve to be here?? I have worked hard and earned this. This is my glorious obsession! And it's much bigger than I am. God has placed this desire and passion in my heart. I am meant to be here. I truly believe that.

So why do I keep hitting these same walls every time?

When the days all look the same...

It's hard to tell what day it currently is... They've all started to merge together, with each one being exactly the same! For the past few days I've been trying to study for tests that I have coming up on Wednesday and Friday. We finished classes on Tuesday and have been "lucky" enough to have this time to just study. And it doesn't help that the weather has been miserable all weekend. Lots of rain and a terrible wind has been blowing. So I haven't been outside in a while either... Arrgh!

So initially, my plan of action was to draw up a timetable and try to cover a little bit of everything everyday so that I can get through most of it. But its been going slower than anticipated and I've fallen behind. But I don't feel stressed out insanely, yet. Its different to before. I am nervous and worried that I won't finish in time, but I guess I just have to keep on doing what I can. I can only hope that it goes a lot better than last year. I want to do well for a change and not just scrape through.

And now I guess I best just keep on, keeping on...

My escape

Sometimes it's easier to be here at varsity and not in the middle of everything that goes on at home. I guess it's mostly because nothing seems to be working out for us. My father is away at work in another city on a course, and he seems more distant than ever (emotionally). My mother also has her own fair share of problems with her former employee, that has been ongoing for the past two years now. And because of this we are facing many financial problems. 

Even though we still have a lot to be grateful for, it just feels like we can't catch a break. Is it really too much to ask for? 

I still believe everything happens for a reason. I know that my mother believes that too - no matter what she is faced with. She truly is one of the strongest women that I know and I admire her so much. I just wish that she didn't have to keep fighting against these obstacles that get thrown at her. It's about time that she has a chance to live her life the way she wants to, without anything or anyone hanging over her head.

But anyway, I know we can't predict the future, we have to learn to accept the fact that not everything is under our control. There are far greater powers at work. And He knows exactly what lies ahead for each of us. Sometimes this is really easy to forget. 

So right now, I'm going to focus on studies. This is my escape, and my chance to change things for my future. One day I will be able to help my family and provide for them, not because I need to, but because I want to. Not to live an extravagant life, but to be comfortable within our means. 

All this waiting and thinking...

Some days I am full of energy and all I want is to run around like a crazy person, just expressing all the joy that I feel in my heart.

Other days I feel so down, and as if the wind has just been knocked out of my lungs. There is no energy and I feel weak, drained from all the thoughts constantly playing on repeat in my mind.

Maybe I think too much... waiting for the perfect words to say, the perfect phrase or something clever and witty. And it is exhausting – all this waiting and thinking. Why not just live? Just let whatever happens, happen. Let all the anxiety of imperfection take control and realise that not everything can be molded and impeccable. We all have flaws. Sometimes that is where the beauty lies. How else would we all be different and unique?

The cold front

I can't stop thinking about tomorrow. Monday, 16th of July - the day my June exam results come out. I'm terriefied. There are so many worse case scenario's running through my mind... What if I don't make it again? What if I have to rewrite those modules, or even worse, fail completely?

I know that there is no point in worrying about it now. There's nothing that can be done to change the outcome. But I just feel so disappointed in myself. I know that I didn't work as hard as I should have. I just pray that things are different now. That I managed to get through.

I just need one more chance.

And it doesn't help that I've caught the flu. I felt it coming on a few days ago. It started with a cough. And I'm guessing I didn't make things easier for myself by attempting to walk to the mall on Saturday in this terribly cold weather. Apparently we have been experiencing a cold front all over the country. I didn't get very far tho. It started to drizzle just as I was a few metres away from the gates. The sun was also playing tricks on me, because it started to shine minutes after I got back to my room...

I don't know whether it was just a coincidence, or whether it was fate. I was really looking forward to doing my own thing, roaming around the mall, looking for a gift for a friend, and just being free. The only problem was that it's not the safest walk to do alone. And I was abit weary about it. So maybe I should think of the rain as a blessing in disguise...

I really need to learn how to drive properly and get my licence ASAP! I hate asking people for lifts. And even when I do, I'm always on their time. So I can never truly do as I please. But the whole licence situation is a saga of its own. To be dealt with at a later stage.

Atleast the weekend wasn't all too bad. I felt a bit lousy last night with a stuffy nose and persistent cough, but it's a little better today. Hopefully it will all clear up soon. I watched a couple of movies and series. And even read through some Nephrology for tomorrows' lectures. Let's hope that it pays off.

The sooner I get tomorrow over with, the better.