So I finally decided on what to do for my birthday! *EXCITED FACE*
The drinking on campus thing didn’t feel right, for some reason. So KKK, my neighbour and close friend, and I were talking about it a little more, and I decided to have a picnic on Saturday afternoon. I want to do something nice for my friends. So I pray that I get enough money to make nice little snacks and maybe a few cupcakes. I think it will work out much cheaper and it really is a nice way to spend the day.
As soon as I made the decision, the whole thing felt lighter. I'm just going to send out a message to friends that I would like to join and if they can make it, GREAT, but if they can’t, I will understand.
Every year I go through the same thing before my birthday, where I can’t make up my mind on what I want to do on the big day. I try to decide on something that makes all of my friends happy as well, because I understand that it is near exam time and they must study… and then I have to take in to consideration my lack of money to spend, and lack of transport to go anywhere.
I usually make it more dramatic than it need be, but sometimes it just feels complicated. I just wish for once that I could have the freedom to do what I want to do without worrying about anything or anyone. I know that it may seem weird to still get excited about my birthday, but I honestly do love celebrating it.
One day I wish to have enough money to be able to throw a big dinner party for close friends and family. It will be simple but elegant and involve lots of good food and conversation. The wine will flow freely and everyone will be merry…. Sigh!
This year I wanted to have a braai, but money is still tight, so that idea is ruled out. Then I thought of going out for cocktails. But now it seems that some of my friends would prefer to stay here and have drinks. I’m not really sure why, but I was a little upset when they suggested this. But then again it really shouldn’t be a big deal, right??
As I am writing this, a thought has occurred to me. Maybe I always make a big deal about my birthday because I am afraid of spending it alone. It is difficult being away from family. I know that my friends truly care about me, but the prospect of being alone kind of makes me wish that I had one person that would want to give up their whole day to make this one day special for me. I crave all the attention and love. Flowers wouldn’t be a bad idea too…
I know that the best thing that I can do is to just take a deep breath in and not let this get the better of me. It’s best to just let things happen the way they will and not to force matters. There are more important things to be concerned with right now… like the Repro test coming up in a weeks’ time…
After another meeting with my mentor, I had a lot of unanswered questions that I wanted to think about. And over the last few days I have been thinking and journaling about it. I didn’t focus on the writing, but rather on getting the words and feelings out and putting it all down on paper. As the words flowed freely, some of it started to make sense.
We spoke about self-confidence and insecurities. She asked me what I think confidence is, and how I identify it in someone else. I was able to give a broad definition, but was unsure of what it meant specifically. We also spoke briefly about what it means to be a woman and the role that confidence plays in this. I am almost 22 years old and I sometimes don't feel like a woman out in the big bad world.
I decided to look up the meaning of “self-confidence” in the dictionary, to get a different understanding of it. I found that it generally means to believe in oneself and to be assured of ones abilities.
I wouldn’t say that I lack self-confidence completely, but I do realise that I have doubted myself and my abilities quite a bit over the past couple of years. In terms of my past relationships, academics and just with regards to where i fit in.
After my meeting I took a walk on the fields and just sat quietly, reflecting and doing a little journaling. I wanted to meditate but I had to get all the words out of my mind. It’s amazing what a little writing can do when feeling inspired.