It wasn't just a dream

Have you ever experienced something
so wonderful: -
so brief and fleeting;
all consuming,
that took up so much space in your mind and heart
and that was such a big deal in that moment?

But then when you think about it later;
a few hours,
a few days, 
a month,
or a year,

you wonder if it ever even happened at all?

Cynical; A definition

cyn·i·cal 

adj.

1. Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others

2. Selfishly or callously calculating

3. Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness

4. Expressing jaded or scornful skepticism or negativity

Broken relationships

How is it that friendships can so easily slip through our fingers? How is it that someone can just suddenly withdraw all contact and distance themselves without any explanation?? How was I to know whether or not I had done something wrong? I really thought that our friendship was deeper, and that I actually meant something to him. That is what he told me. Maybe it was all just bullshit.

I am so tired of writing about this, but I am hurt and angry. Maybe also a little disappointed. I really care(d) about him.

I know that I have been a mess lately and sometimes I can be difficult to be around/speak to. I don’t always say the right things and maybe I can be a little strong minded and stubborn. But I will not apologise for that. And I will not apologise for loving him or coming across too strongly.

I didn't need anything from him; I just thought that friendship was about being there for one another. He barely let me know what was going on with him, but whenever he did open up, I was there for him. 

A relationship is a two player game. If you decide to give up, there is nothing I can do. The decision is yours.

I wish I could say that this was the first time that this sort of thing has happened to me. But it’s not. Friends come and go from my life. And I probably have a lot to do with that. The thing that really gets me down, though, is that all these supposedly good friends of mine have never been honest with me and told me upfront what was wrong. I am not an unreasonable person! I will listen to you and try to understand where you are coming from. If you need space or time, or whatever, I will give that to you. But just don’t tell me that you care, when it is so easy for you not to.

I can feel all my walls going up again. Honestly, I thought he’d be the last person to destroy them. But maybe my heart was being a little too hopeful.  Why did I think that he would be different? 

Lifeline Session 4: Collage

This week we had to prepare a collage to be discussed in our small group. The objective of the collage was to be a representation of my life and of who I am. This could have been interpreted in any way. 

I found it to be a little bit of a challenge trying to organise the pictures I had gathered. I was determined to do it perfectly. Only afterwards did I realise how my collage came out very structured. One of the facilitators also noticed this and suggested that it might be because I don’t have much structure in my life at the moment. And I think she was right. I was so focused on trying to get the perfect layout and have it all aligned. My pictures were also small, so there were a lot of different things going on, which made it quite a mouthful to explain.

On the first page of the poster, I included some of the things I enjoy doing, such as reading, writing, cooking and baking, dancing, spending time with friends. 

The bottom half represents the way I had been feeling for the past few years especially, and all that I had been going through. The masks I wear, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, constantly fighting against time, lonely and stressed. I was hesitant to include all these images because I think I didn't want to face it all again, and have to share it with the group. But in the end, I was glad that I did. This section actually depicts the real me - behind the smile that I wear to hide all that is really going on.



This section on the middle page shows all the relationships I hope to  have. I want to have a family of my own. I want to have that fairy tail wedding with the white dress. I want to marry a good and honest man that will love me unconditionally. I want to be a mother, spending lots of time with my family.

On the bottom of this page I included pictures of my past. Happy memories with friends and things that make me smile when I think back on those times. I also have a picture of the campus that had been my home for so many years. It left me feeling nostalgic, but also reminded me that my time at medical school was not all bad.

The last page included my aspirations, hopes and dreams. As you can see, this was quite a mouthful. But I am glad that I had the chance to share this with the group.

Lifeline Session 2: The masks we wear

Today was our second session of the Lifeline course and it was pretty eye-opening. We spoke a little bit about trust and then went deeper into exploring the different masks that we each wear on a daily basis to cope with various situations in our lives. Masks can be a good or a bad thing, depending on whether you use it for your benefit, or to hide your feelings and emotions. Some people need to wear many masks while others don’t feel the need to wear any. But there is usually a cost involved, as it may affect your relationships and/or cause you to isolate yourself.

I hide behind smiles and laughter, when the truth is that I don’t truly know how to be happy and content with my life. I wear my mask to create a barrier between myself and others. I have a couple close relationships but I’ve realised that I still keep my guard up, not fully disclosing everything; keeping my real feelings and emotions hidden.

I’m afraid of being vulnerable and exposed because I don’t want to give anyone the chance to hurt me again. From my past experiences I think I have started to believe that most relationships don’t last. So I don’t want to be put into a position in which someone will have the upper hand if our relationship goes bad - for whatever reason.

 

I know that this is not a good way to think about relationships. I want to be more open about my true feelings and let people in. I think that my problem is that I don’t know how people will react or respond to all my overwhelming emotions. I mean, what do I expect them to say? What if I over-share and it changes their opinion of me in some way? 

Maybe I am also afraid of being judged by the things that hurt me the most. I don’t want people to pity me, or my family and all that we have been through. I don’t want to appear weak. This is one of my greatest struggles right now.

A little bit of hope

For a while I have not able to get out much, mostly because of financial restraints and because I don’t have my driving licence yet. And instead of trying, I have been avoiding all social contact all together. I think that I am still waiting for things to get easier and start falling in to place, even though I know that is not how things usually work out. 

I saw a student counsellor at the university last month, with the hope that she would help me find out about more possible options. But after making a list of values and things I want from a career, the rest of the conversation revolved around Medicine. She had the idea that doing anything else would not bring me full satisfaction, and instead I would just be settling. I think she was trying to motivate me to give it another try. But I was/am not convinced. She didn't really understand where I was coming from and I left feeling even more confused and hurt. She even tried talking me out of studying psychology, because according to her, it would not be worth it in the end.

I remember coming home and just crying for a few minutes, feeling as though I was just right back where I started, with no way to move forward.

The other day, I was searching the internet, looking for some kind of support group in the area and I stumbled across the Lifeline website. I phoned the organisation and they told me about a Personal Growth course that they offer for 8 weeks which starts on the 24th July. I am feeling very nervous about it and I have no idea what to expect, but I am hoping that this will help me deal with all the things that I am having trouble letting go of and also help me to move forward. I don't want to hold on to the past any more. 

I'm fucking tired.

"No, I will no longer love the people who poison me."

“

I have spent twenty years letting other people break my heart.

Not tonight. I am taking myself back. No, you cannot kiss me, I know you are only looking for a pair of lips to wash her out of your brainstem. No, you cannot hold me, I know you are only lonely because you refuse to ask out the boy of your dreams. No, I will not write you anymore lovesick poetry, it only makes you live forever. No, I won’t put your needs before mine any longer, you would never do the same for me. No, I will not be another footnote, another forgotten one, another shotglass broken on this floor. No, you cannot have me, not now, not today, not ever again.

I am going to finally be my own person. I refuse to be the shadow of another girl, the bed to keep you warm, the transitional object.

I reclaim myself. I am my own. And you cannot harm me.

”

—	No, I will no longer love the people who poison me. /// r.i.d (viainkskinned)

"Above all else, guard your heart..."

 Wasn't ever really good at drawing lines. 

 I think now may be a good time 

to start trying a little harder. 

When things aren't right in your heart

Words to my inner child

He truly delivers.

All things will be received in His perfect timing.

There is nothing more to worry about.

When things aren’t right in your heart, He sees it. He will make the difficult decisions that you are too afraid to make. Even if this means that you will not understand in that exact moment. But then, one day, when you are ready, He will show you. He will show you why, and He will reassure you. There is always a plan, Little girl.

Doubt can be a dangerous feeling. Sometimes it makes us rethink everything; everything that we were once so sure of. And it can be caused by so many different things. Irrational things.

Why do we doubt things we know to be true? Maybe it is because we find validation in other things; worldly things. But Little Girl, find your validation in Him. The one who gave His life to set you free, to take away all your troubles and woes. Can you not see how much He loves you? Find your identity in Him. Because people, they will come and go; and things, they can be destroyed. But He will forever be the Almighty Father that holds you in the palm of His hand.

In this life you may stumble and fall, but He will catch you. Oh Little Girl, see how much He cares for you. He is constantly fighting to win over your heart.

Give it to Him.

Give it to Him completely.

You know the saying, you know it well: “Let every man who seeks your heart, find it wrapped up in Jesus’ love. Let him see to whom it truly belongs. Let him know right from the start that the only way to you is through the One and only King.

Little Girl, do not be afraid any more. Even though it may be dark all around you, there is a light within your soul. And it shines so bright that no other light is needed for you to see ahead. Let this light be a fire burning for Jesus. A fire burning for Him will surely last for eternity. Whereas a flame burning for the world can be distinguished with the slightest breeze.

I know that it is not easy. But you have always known that it wouldn’t be. You were not destined to take the easy path. No, Little Girl, you know that you are destined for greatness. Lately, you have been so easily deceived into believing otherwise.

But you still know that deep down.

You know because there is passion in your heart. You know because He has sent so many people into your life to keep reminding you. You know, because even in the darkest hour, there was still hope. Hope that kept you holding on. Hope that is growing stronger and stronger every day.

So don’t lose faith. His love is everlasting.

You are blessed, and loved dearly.

Forever and always

"Elastic Heart"

And another one bites the dust

Oh why can I not conquer love
And I might have thought that we were one
Wanted to fight this war without weapons

And I wanted it, I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah let's be clear, I'll trust no one

You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
Cause I've got an elastic heart

I've got an elastic heart
Yeah I've got an elastic heart

And I will stay up through the night
Let's be clear, won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I'll walk through fire to save my life

And I want it, I want my life so bad

I'm doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It's hard to lose a chosen one

You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
Cause I've got an elastic heart
[x3]

I've got an elastic heart

- SIA (feat. The Weeknd & Diplo)

Emotions running wild

I sometimes wish that I could record the conversations that I have with my middle  sister. She tells me things that I need to hear, no matter how difficult it is.

My emotions are currently all over the place. I guess that it has to do with all the stress that I've been under lately, and I have not been dealing with them appropriately.

I need space away from *F. As much as I don’t want to hurt him, I am allowing him to hurt me. We had a fight the other night about his ex-girlfriend who is now “one of his closest friends”. He told her some things about our relationship that I feel are none of her business. But he says that he owed it to her to explain everything. It makes me angry because I feel that she has no right to know intimate details about us.

The whole thing left me wondering if there are still feelings shared between them. Can I truly trust that he is being completely honest when he tells me that there isn't anything there? Why else would she be jealous? It doesn't make sense to me. 

As much as she is his best friend now, they have still shared a lot together. A lot more than he and I ever will. I think that this is what makes me upset the most. But I, apparently, have no right to feel this way either.  

So this is why I really need to stop the delusions that I have going on in my head.  And the best way I know how, is to stop sharing my life with him. I need to draw some boundaries in my life and start taking care of myself first. I can’t allow emotions to determine all decisions I make.

There are so many other things that I have to focus on now. I need to let my brain take control and start looking after my heart.

I need to be stronger and pull myself together; build myself up. it is time to take control of this situation.

It is time to move on with my life. 

On Monday, I will find out whether or not I can continue studying medicine. Whatever they decide, my life will have to change.

No more dwelling on things that I have no control over. 

Hazy sensations

My subconscious mind knows more than I can ever consciously comprehend.

I attract people I can relate to -

In an endless search for a connection.

I need to know that I am not alone.

Drawing close to someone in the same position as me.

Another heart desperately seeking comfort.

Dealing with uncertain emotions.

I hide behind these feelings.

In this way, I avoid facing my troubles.

For a moment, his touch takes away the pain.

Or at least he helps me forget,

even if for just a little while,

I can lose myself to this hazy sensation.

It is unreal -

A disconnection from reality

He provides the perfect distraction.

He is already running.

My mind fools my heart into believing

There is nothing to fear if he is unavailable. 
-N.M-

I miss...

... being in love.

I miss that addictive feeling - never being able to get enough of this one person. Someone that just instantly makes your heart sing.

I miss the sweet messages - the cute little texts saying that he’s randomly thinking about you throughout the day.

I miss opening my heart up completely, unafraid that he will reject me - being able to trust him completely to protect this fragile heart that I have kept locked away for too long; trusting him to love me unconditionally.

I miss being vulnerable - free to show him the little pieces of my life that I hide away from the rest of the world.

But most of all, I miss having that one person to share my life with.

Someone that can’t sleep without checking that you are ok and someone that is genuinely interested in hearing about every second of your day.

And you know that he feels the same way about you because he isn’t afraid to tell you. He needs to hear your voice, your laughter and loves to see you smile.

Letting things go

I keep thinking of constantly being surrounded by water.

I'm holding on to negative emotions, experiences, baggage, relationships, that just keep dragging me under. It’s almost as if I hold on to all these things in the hope that they will help me stay afloat and save me from drowning.

But these things don’t save me.

Instead they drag me under.

Deeper and deeper down.

But still, I hold on.

Because letting go of them just seems so much scarier. 

I'm afraid of drifting into the dark unknown depths…

'

While I was writing this, I started to realise a few things.

What if letting go allowed me to break free from all these things that I have chained myself to?

What if it releases you, and instead of sinking, you slowly start to float to the surface?

Finally, you can come up for air.

Breathe.

And suddenly see that you are a lot closer the land than you think.

I think I ruined my heart

As I sit here, trying to draw up a study schedule and get everything in order, I'm overwhelmed by a wave of tiredness that sweeps over me. I'm consumed by all this negative energy that is trapped within me. I feel slightly weak, heavy and weighed down, barely able to breathe freely.

I need a real plan. One that will overcome all the obstacles I see ahead of myself.

I need help.

It’s like this past year has been a really bad dream. As if at any moment now I will wake up and start living my real life. This doesn't feel real. This isn't how my life is supposed run. This isn't who I’m supposed to be. The past is a blur of nothingness. Time passed unnoticed, while I was staring into space, slowly losing touch of myself.

Once again I am confronted by my own inadequacy. Failure feels like a cloud that constantly looms over head, everywhere I go, waiting to explode.

I think I ruined my heart. I closed it off. Forbid it to feel anything. Forbid it from feeling pain. And now it has changed and I no longer feel. Happiness is fleeting. Love is an emotion that seems foreign in practice. I still remember the theory of it all, but it just feels implausible.

How is it possible that I didn't see all this coming? How is it that I couldn't prevent myself from falling into this very wide ditch again?

All the signs were there. It’s not as if I didn't recognise the landmarks. I've been here before. So why did I just keep lurching forward blindly, throwing caution to the wind?

It’s almost as if I destined myself to fail. Lost all hope and gave in to the voices that said I was not good enough.

I know it’s not true. I just wish that someone would tell that to my mind and help me fix my heart again. 

Time passes

Idly staring into space,

Time passes.

Slipping out from my grasp.

Drifting further and further away from me.

Time I can never get back.

I should do something. React in some way.

But here I stand.

Frozen,

Crippled by fear.

Disconnected from this reality.

Tears slowly running down my face, unnoticed.

Barely holding myself together,

Just moments from falling apart.

But Time waits for no one.
-N.M-

My subconscious mind...

Last night I dreamt that I was a psychiatric doctor and I was in some sort of clinic, but my surroundings were very vague. I remember there being patients around me and nurses in the room. It was time for me to interview one of the patients and I remember thinking that I should get started.  But I also remember knowing that I should wait for the doctor in charge to come first. She was a woman with a short black bob hair cut with a thick fringe sitting at a desk. But instead of waiting for her, I decided to go into a room with the patient and start by myself because I felt relatively safe and didn't think that anything would happen. The patient was a seemingly quiet man maybe in his 30 or 40s. I remember knowing that he was already diagnosed with multiple personality disorder before we started the interview, but I had a sense that he was fine and that it was under control.

We are alone in this consultation room and we sit down and the interview has barely begun when this man suddenly disappears and it is almost as if his body silently splits into 7 different “spirits” that swoop around and all come towards me – like something out of the movies! I remember then falling to the floor and curling up into a foetal position and protecting my head. But they just swarmed above me. And then the doctor in charge came into the room and the figures disappeared and the man was sitting there as if nothing had happened while I was pulled out of the room and scolded for doing the interview alone.  

And that was when I woke up suddenly. And I had to try and figure out if what just happened was a real memory or whether it was just a dream. I did get a fright waking up, but I don’t remember being really scared or terrified. Very bazaar!  

I don’t think that it means anything terrifying, but after giving it some thought, I think the “spirits” simply represent all the feelings and emotions that I am trying to juggle and balance in my life at this point. And by me “going in to see the patient alone” it is as if I am trying to take on all these things by myself, without waiting for help from someone that actually can.

And throw in the fact that we are currently studying psychology in class and you have a truly crazy dream! It fascinates me the intricate ways in which our subconscious mind works to process thins we may be avoiding in real life…

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Why is it that when things are going well, I can’t help thinking that it is just about time for everything to come crashing down again? It sometimes seems as if happiness isn't meant to last forever; or as if I don't deserve it. Why is it that impending failure is much easier to believe than the prospect of success?