Memories cause me pain

But even the pleasant memories bring me pain.

They’ve hurt ever since he left,

Ever since he turned away.

I cringe when I hear his name

My heart breaks when I see his face.

I thought I was in control

But I had it all wrong.
-N.M-

Tiny cracks all across the surface

Have I ever truly been whole? 

There are little pieces chipped away on the inside of me, 

and tiny cracks all across the surface. 

But from a distance you’d never say – 

because everything appears picture perfect.

"Above all else, guard your heart..."

 Wasn't ever really good at drawing lines. 

 I think now may be a good time 

to start trying a little harder. 

"Elastic Heart"

And another one bites the dust

Oh why can I not conquer love
And I might have thought that we were one
Wanted to fight this war without weapons

And I wanted it, I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah let's be clear, I'll trust no one

You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
Cause I've got an elastic heart

I've got an elastic heart
Yeah I've got an elastic heart

And I will stay up through the night
Let's be clear, won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I'll walk through fire to save my life

And I want it, I want my life so bad

I'm doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It's hard to lose a chosen one

You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
Cause I've got an elastic heart
[x3]

I've got an elastic heart

- SIA (feat. The Weeknd & Diplo)

Emotions running wild

I sometimes wish that I could record the conversations that I have with my middle  sister. She tells me things that I need to hear, no matter how difficult it is.

My emotions are currently all over the place. I guess that it has to do with all the stress that I've been under lately, and I have not been dealing with them appropriately.

I need space away from *F. As much as I don’t want to hurt him, I am allowing him to hurt me. We had a fight the other night about his ex-girlfriend who is now “one of his closest friends”. He told her some things about our relationship that I feel are none of her business. But he says that he owed it to her to explain everything. It makes me angry because I feel that she has no right to know intimate details about us.

The whole thing left me wondering if there are still feelings shared between them. Can I truly trust that he is being completely honest when he tells me that there isn't anything there? Why else would she be jealous? It doesn't make sense to me. 

As much as she is his best friend now, they have still shared a lot together. A lot more than he and I ever will. I think that this is what makes me upset the most. But I, apparently, have no right to feel this way either.  

So this is why I really need to stop the delusions that I have going on in my head.  And the best way I know how, is to stop sharing my life with him. I need to draw some boundaries in my life and start taking care of myself first. I can’t allow emotions to determine all decisions I make.

There are so many other things that I have to focus on now. I need to let my brain take control and start looking after my heart.

I need to be stronger and pull myself together; build myself up. it is time to take control of this situation.

It is time to move on with my life. 

On Monday, I will find out whether or not I can continue studying medicine. Whatever they decide, my life will have to change.

No more dwelling on things that I have no control over. 

Hazy sensations

My subconscious mind knows more than I can ever consciously comprehend.

I attract people I can relate to -

In an endless search for a connection.

I need to know that I am not alone.

Drawing close to someone in the same position as me.

Another heart desperately seeking comfort.

Dealing with uncertain emotions.

I hide behind these feelings.

In this way, I avoid facing my troubles.

For a moment, his touch takes away the pain.

Or at least he helps me forget,

even if for just a little while,

I can lose myself to this hazy sensation.

It is unreal -

A disconnection from reality

He provides the perfect distraction.

He is already running.

My mind fools my heart into believing

There is nothing to fear if he is unavailable. 
-N.M-

My heart is breaking, and yet it doesn't make a sound..

In one moment, I gave myself away.

I would give anything to go back and change that night.

But I can’t undo what has been done.  

I have to live with this for the rest of my life.

I have to come to terms with it.

I always imagined that my very first time would be special. Like something out of the movies... Like a fairy tale...

I promised to hold on until I found the one with whom I would spend the rest of my life. And I was so determined to guard myself; never give in to temptation.  I knew what my boundaries were and I stood firmly for what I believed in.

I still can't believe that it happened. A blurry haze of something I wish to forever forget. Maybe if I try hard enough, eventually I will. But I guess there is a lesson to be learnt here.

Surely I should feel something, right? But there is nothing here. 

My heart is breaking, and yet it doesn't make a sound.

I'm just still trying to figure it all out.

When love arrives

I knew exactly what love looked like

in seventh grade.

Even though I hadn’t met love yet

if Love had wondered into my homeroom,

I would’ve recognized him at first glance.

Love wore a hemp necklace.

I would’ve recognized her at first glance.

Love wore a tight french braid.

Love played acoustic guitar,

and knew all my favorite Beatles songs.

Love wasn’t afraid to ride the bus with me.

And I knew,

I just must be searching the wrong classrooms;

just must be checking the wrong hallways.

She was there, I was sure of it.

If only I could find him.

But when Love finally showed up,

She had a bowl cut.

He wore the same clothes every day for a week.

Love hated the bus.

Love didn’t know anything about the Beatles.

Instead,

Everytime I tried to kiss Love,

our teeth got in the way.

Love became the reason I lied to my parents.

I’m going to… Ben’s house

Love had terrible rhythm on the dance floor,

but made sure we never missed a slow song. 

Love waited by the phone,

because she knew if her father picked up

it would be, (heavy breathing)

“Hello, hello… I guess they hang up.”

And Love grew…

Stretched like a trampoline.

Love changed.

Love disappeared

slowly, like baby teeth

losing parts of me I thought I needed.

Love vanished like an amateur magician,

everyone could see the trapdoor but me.

Like a flat tire,

there were other places I had planned on going

but my plans didn’t matter.

Love stayed away for years.

And when Love finally reappeared,

I barely recognized him.

Love smelled different now,

had darker eyes,

a broader back.

Love came with freckles I didn’t recognize,

new birthmarks,

a softer voice.

Now there were new sleeping patterns,

new favorite books.

Love had songs that reminded him of someone else;

songs Love didn’t like to listen to.

So did I.

But we found a park bench that fit us perfectly.

We found jokes that make us laugh.

And now Love makes me fresh homemade chocolate cookies.

But Love will probably finish most of them for a midnight snack.

Love looks great in lingerie but still likes to wear her retainer.

Love is a terrible driver but a great navigator.

Love knows where she’s going,

it just might take her two hours longer than she planned.

Love is messier now;

not as simple.

Love uses the word ‘boobs’ in front of my parents.

Love chews too loudly.

Love leaves the cap off the toothpaste.

Love uses smiley faces in her text messages

And turns out,

Love shits.

But Love also cries.

And Love will tell you, “You are beautiful.”

And mean it.

Over and over again,

“You are beautiful.”

When you first wake up,

“You are beautiful.”

When you’ve just been crying,

“You are beautiful.”

When you don’t want to hear it,

“You are beautiful.”

When you don’t believe it,

“You are beautiful.”

When nobody else will tell you,

“You are beautiful.”

Love still thinks,

“You are beautiful.”

But love is not perfect,

and will sometimes forget,

when you need to hear it most,

“You are beautiful.”

Do not forget this.

Love is not who you are expecting.

Love is not what you can predict.

Maybe Love is in New York City, 

already asleep.

You are in California, Australia,

wide awake.

Maybe Love is always in the wrong timezone.

Maybe Love is not ready for you.

Maybe you are not ready for Love.

Maybe Love just isn’t the marrying type.

Maybe the next time you see Love is twenty years after the divorce.

Love looks older now but just as beautiful as you remember.

Maybe Love is only there for a month.

Maybe Love is there for every firework,

every birthday party,

every hospital visit.

Maybe Love stays.

Maybe Love can’t.

Maybe Love shouldn’t.

Love arrives exactly when Love is supposed to.

And Love leaves exactly when Love must.

When Love arrives,

say, “Welcome, make yourself comfortable.”

If Love leaves,

ask her to leave the door open behind her,

turn off the music,

listen to the quiet,

whisper, “Thank you for stopping by.”

-Sarah and Phil Kay(e)

I absolutely adore this spoken word. I heard it for the first time over a year ago, at a time where I was struggling to let go of a relationship. I cried so many times listening to it, every time noticing something more that stood out for me. It highlighted most of the things that I thought love was, and what I expected it to be.

But it made me realise that love is never exactly what you expect it to be. And that there are a million different ways to love someone. I also realised that it was indeed possible to love more than one person in your life time. It helped me let go of the bitterness and just accept the relationship for what it was, and nothing more.

Every now and again, I listen to it, to remind me that even though love seems so far away, it may be closer than you think. But in the mean time, I know not to dwell on what is not, or what could be, but to rather just enjoy everything that is, in the moment.

More poetry from these two inspirational poets:

-  An Origin Story

- Long Distance Love

- Teeth

When will it all end?

I'm tired -
of listening to the hurt in her voice,
of seeing the pain in her eyes.
It consumes her -
the worry,
the feelings of bitterness.
Losing control of everything around her.

But she keeps fighting -
against the world,
against the reflection in the mirror.
There's no escape -
from all the pain,
from all the conflict that grips and holds on to her soul.

All she wants is to be free -
to live the life she has always dreamed of.

She's been fighting for so long -
for the ones she loves,
for her independence,
to survive in this cruel world.

When will it all end?
-N.M-

In the dead of the night

In the dead of the night,

when the moon is high and the stars shine bright,

what plagues your mind?

Is it peaceful thoughts?

Or confrontations and unanswered questions ringing out loud?

For me, all these emotions start to appear.

Fears and anxieties buried deep down

Come to the surface and fight for control.

They keep me awake.

Until the darkest hour, there is no escape.

My mind is not mine alone.

All these voices,

They tell me different things -

All my insecurities and greatest concerns are exposed before me.

I feel ashamed, disappointed and worthless.

But I know that it is not all my fault.

Some things are beyond my reach.

I cannot change what was, but I can change what may be.

I can choose to fight to regain the power that has vanished within me.

So, I still my mind and take a deep breath in and slowly let it out.

Nothing is lost that can be found once again. ©
-N.M-

Please find me soon...

My dreams have been plagued by knights in shining armour... A strong bold man that has come to sweep me off my feet. He takes me in his arms and never wants to let go. He looks deeply into my eyes, and without hesitation, he kisses me passionately. I want this dream to last forever. I want it to be real.

But it's not. And when I open my eyes I am filled with a feeling of loss as I slowly come to my senses and realise that it was all just my subconscious mind playing tricks on me. So to hide the disappointment, I brush it off. I'm better off anyway. I force myself to think about all the hurt that men cause. The lying, the cheating and vulnerability that comes with a relationship. "I don't need that in my life", I tell myself over and over again.

It's almost as if I am afraid to love again. I want to shelter my heart and keep it safe. It's too precious and delicate to be broken once more. It might not recover this time.

I just want to skip all this bullshit and find the one man that will make me his wife and a mother to his children. The one that will never dream of hurting me, and that will respect me for who I am. He will understand and appreciate all my flaws, and day by day we will grow together, becoming a force to be reckoned with.

I know he's out there. Somewhere.
Please find me soon. Until that day, I will be waiting, as patiently as I can.