Lifeline Session 1: Out of the darkness

I started attending a Personal Growth Course through Lifeline Community Wellness Centre. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I am honestly very glad that I found the course.

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to move forward with my life, and get over some of my painful past experiences. I feel stuck and I just don’t know how to deal with these overwhelming emotions.

Basically, this course is a journey towards greater self-awareness and self-discovery. The main goals are to gain greater self-insight, to learn to accept yourself and your feelings, to communicate more effectively, to expand your ways of relating and responding to others and to know yourself more fully.

Exactly what I need! My reasons for doing the course are:

- To figure out my true identity apart from once being a medical student

- To meet new people that are also facing similar challenges

- To find my purpose

- To make new friends

- To find joy within myself

- To let go of my past and move on with life.

- To help me become a mature and confident young woman

- To help me face my fears head on

- To help me start taking risks.

- To start healing all these scars from my past

We were allocated to smaller groups to discuss the different exercises for each session. One of today's tasks was to draw a picture of ourselves, and where we are in our lives. This is a very revealing exercise because even though one doesn’t have the skills of an artist, the image still comes across quite vividly.

It was quite something to listen to each person describing their pictures and to be able to open up, emotionally, to a group of strangers that I had only just met. I felt comfortable telling them all that had been weighing heavily on my heart the past couple days. Once I had started speaking, the tears just came - but I wasn’t embarrassed in any way. It was freeing to let it all out. They offered encouragement, and shared some of their own personal experience in similar situations. 

It’s time to move out of this darkness that I have been hiding in, and to accept that this is my life; I can’t silently wish it were different if I am not going to get up and do something to change it. I want to make the most of what I have been given, and be grateful for every blessing.

This is not about simply smoothing over the surface, hiding away my issues or making everything appear better. It's not even about trying to put a smile on my face and being be more positive. It's much more than those fancy quotes that I love, that tell you that everything will be OK one day; it is about building my self-confidence and truly believing in myself, with no doubts or second guessing.

It is time to change the things that make me unhappy - even if I just take one small step at a time.

Where's all the love?

It turns out that a hot new relationship wasn’t *F’s big news. But, I actually wish that it was. I want him to be happy. We had a good conversation. It’s always great hearing from him. The only downfall is that every time we catch up like this I realise how much I miss seeing him.

I’ve realised that I don’t have any real life relationship role models in my family and no one else that I know personally.  My parents aren’t happy. They have their own fair share of problems. We aren’t really close to any of our relatives, but I can still tell that my aunts and uncles don’t have that deep passionate kind of love that I always thought should make a marriage.

Is anyone out there truly happy? What happens to all the love after years of being together? Does it all fizzle out? And you just stay together for convenience, or because you just can’t see your life any other way?

This scares me. As cliché as it sounds, I want a love so deep that the ocean would be jealous. And I don’t want that love to ever end. I know that it can’t be all fireworks forever, but I hope that it evolves into something so much more. I want joy that will overcome all the struggles that we may be faced. I want to be secure in his love, and never doubt that he would choose me over and over again. Is this too much of a stretch?

None of my close friends are in relationships either. J* is seeing someone but it seems that he is just a squeeze, and more trouble than he is worth, in my opinion. And let’s not get started on my love life, or lack thereof. Since my ex, there’s just been randomness, mistakes and complicated feelings. And I haven’t been on a real date in about 3 years!

But, I must admit, that as much as I miss being in love, I don’t think that right now I am ready for any serious relationship. I need to make some decisions about my future, and I can be too easily influenced by love. I need my head clear and not stuck in the clouds.  

And when I am ready, I believe that love will find me. Until such a time, I'll try to keep my heart open,  and fill it with all the love I can find around me. 

When things aren't right in your heart

Words to my inner child

He truly delivers.

All things will be received in His perfect timing.

There is nothing more to worry about.

When things aren’t right in your heart, He sees it. He will make the difficult decisions that you are too afraid to make. Even if this means that you will not understand in that exact moment. But then, one day, when you are ready, He will show you. He will show you why, and He will reassure you. There is always a plan, Little girl.

Doubt can be a dangerous feeling. Sometimes it makes us rethink everything; everything that we were once so sure of. And it can be caused by so many different things. Irrational things.

Why do we doubt things we know to be true? Maybe it is because we find validation in other things; worldly things. But Little Girl, find your validation in Him. The one who gave His life to set you free, to take away all your troubles and woes. Can you not see how much He loves you? Find your identity in Him. Because people, they will come and go; and things, they can be destroyed. But He will forever be the Almighty Father that holds you in the palm of His hand.

In this life you may stumble and fall, but He will catch you. Oh Little Girl, see how much He cares for you. He is constantly fighting to win over your heart.

Give it to Him.

Give it to Him completely.

You know the saying, you know it well: “Let every man who seeks your heart, find it wrapped up in Jesus’ love. Let him see to whom it truly belongs. Let him know right from the start that the only way to you is through the One and only King.

Little Girl, do not be afraid any more. Even though it may be dark all around you, there is a light within your soul. And it shines so bright that no other light is needed for you to see ahead. Let this light be a fire burning for Jesus. A fire burning for Him will surely last for eternity. Whereas a flame burning for the world can be distinguished with the slightest breeze.

I know that it is not easy. But you have always known that it wouldn’t be. You were not destined to take the easy path. No, Little Girl, you know that you are destined for greatness. Lately, you have been so easily deceived into believing otherwise.

But you still know that deep down.

You know because there is passion in your heart. You know because He has sent so many people into your life to keep reminding you. You know, because even in the darkest hour, there was still hope. Hope that kept you holding on. Hope that is growing stronger and stronger every day.

So don’t lose faith. His love is everlasting.

You are blessed, and loved dearly.

Forever and always

The New Year Project: Making others happy

Share your fool-proof ways to make others happy.

Day 13 of Toni's New Year Project

I believe that it is the little things, that make people feel truly loved, that matter the most. Being loved is one of the greatest feelings, almost as much as loving someone else. This can be in any number of ways, such as, spending time with them,  or simply by letting them know that you are thinking about them and that you care.  

JJJ

Please feel free to comment below.

Check out the page, The New Year Project, above for the complete list.

The New Year Project: More on Happiness

How can you put more happiness into your life?

Day 10 of Toni's New Year Project

I have started to realise that happiness is fleeting. There are so many little things that make me happy, but for some reason, I just can’t get it to stick.  

Surely, there has to be something out there that will make me excited to get up each day and tackle the world. Or is this just a young girl’s deluded perception of a greater, brighter world?

The truth is, I don’t know how to answer today’s question. There are a million things that I could do to be happy right now, but I can’t help feeling that these things are not enough. There’s still something getting in the way. I've also noticed that my aspirations (To change the world) are slowly starting to diminish. And I don’t feel free.  I thought hoped that I would be happier now that I'm no longer at medical school. But instead, I still feel trapped within my own limitations.

Today, I was feeling a little drained and almost as if something was weighing me down. I started to get a little restless. I wanted to do something to help around the house but I just couldn't muster up enough energy.

But, instead of just laying around, I decided to man up and do something that has been plaguing my mind for a few days now: - Make a few calls regarding my future prospects. 

First, I called an Au Pair agent. I had initially emailed her to get more info about that whole business and she had said that I can make an appointment to discuss it. So this is what I did! I plan to go see her tomorrow and hear what it all entails.

Then, I called the university to find out exactly what options I have if I decided that I wanted to go back to medical school. Basically, they told me that I could still go back next year. All I need is to do a 6 month course (related to medicine or human sciences or something...) through a university like UNISA and then reapply in November. Reacceptance is not guaranteed but it will help if I can show that I have made some changes to improve or have dealt with the problems I have been facing the past couple years. 

This would be great news, but I really don’t know if I actually want to go back. My mind is a minefield. It was difficult to make that last phone call. I felt the emotion build up, but as soon as it was over, I felt some of the tension lift.  

All hope is not lost after all. So, my revelation while writing this, is that I need to keep being positive and trusting that things will fall in to place when the time is right. I will find what my purpose is, and the only way to get there is by taking one day at a time. 

xxx

Please feel free to comment below

Check out the page, The New Year Project, above for the complete list.

The New Year Project: Life's little treasures

Write in a stream of consciousness about the things that make you happy. Only write about things/sensations/experiences.

 Day 9 of Toni's New Year Project

  

Laughing with my friends. A warm foamy bubble bath after a long day. Sitting in the sun. Talking about boys with my closest girls. Great big bear hugs. Playing with little kids. Blowing bubbles. Beautiful flowers. Cheesecake. Having deep meaningful conversations late into the night. Watching the waves crashing against the shore. Bright blue skies. Watching the sunset bright orange colours. The glow of candles. Watching a good movie – one that makes me laugh and cry. Reading a beautiful novel. Writing in my journal. Hugging my little pillow tight before I fall asleep. A gentle breeze. Ice cream. Laying outside under the moon and stars. The smell of the sea. Phone calls. Blogging. Cuddling. Learning new interesting and arbitrary things. Nature in all its forms. Getting all dressed up for a night out. Putting on makeup. Dancing the night away. Going on an adventure. Having a picnic. Genuine compliments from strangers and friends. Heart racing moments. Being in love. Hearing my favourite songs on the radio. Discovering new tunes. Singing at the top of my lungs. Making other people happy. Finding a new crush. Spending time shopping with my mother. Bonding moments with my sisters. Being missed. Trying to be all crafty. Making pretty things. Giving gifts to friends and seeing their excitement when opening them up. Goodnight messages. Cold showers on a hot day. Looking back at old photos. Taking photos. Making someone feel special. Laughing 'til my tummy hurts. 

xxx

What makes you feel happy?

Please feel free to comment below. 

Check out the page, The New Year Project, above for the complete list. 

"Happiness is a state of mind"

The New Year Project: Happiness

"Do more of what makes you happy." 

What are those activities?

Day 4 of Toni's New Year Project 

Soaking up the sun. 

Watching the sunset. 

Spending time with friends and family. 

Hanging out and talking about everything and nothing at all. 

Having cocktails. 

Deep meaningful conversations.   

All forms of dancing. 

Watching the waves crash along the shore. 

Writing. 

Taking care of little babies and playing with children. 

Making people smile and laugh. 

Listening to music. 

Appreciating the arts. 

Taking photos.  

Watching the clouds pass swiftly along a clear blue sky. 

Going for walks by myself and taking in everything around me. 

Listening to spoken word poetry. 

Laughing. 

Getting all dressed up for a night out. 

Cooking and baking.

Playing cards and board games. 

Reading.

I plan to consciously celebrate the things that make me happy every day.

Please feel free to comment below. 

Check out the page, The New Year Project, above for the complete list. 

Be happy