It turns out that a hot new relationship wasn’t *F’s big news. But, I actually wish that it was. I want him to be happy. We had a good conversation. It’s always great hearing from him. The only downfall is that every time we catch up like this I realise how much I miss seeing him.
I’ve realised that I don’t have any real life relationship role models in my family and no one else that I know personally. My parents aren’t happy. They have their own fair share of problems. We aren’t really close to any of our relatives, but I can still tell that my aunts and uncles don’t have that deep passionate kind of love that I always thought should make a marriage.
Is anyone out there truly happy? What happens to all the love after years of being together? Does it all fizzle out? And you just stay together for convenience, or because you just can’t see your life any other way?
This scares me. As cliché as it sounds, I want a love so deep that the ocean would be jealous. And I don’t want that love to ever end. I know that it can’t be all fireworks forever, but I hope that it evolves into something so much more. I want joy that will overcome all the struggles that we may be faced. I want to be secure in his love, and never doubt that he would choose me over and over again. Is this too much of a stretch?
None of my close friends are in relationships either. J* is seeing someone but it seems that he is just a squeeze, and more trouble than he is worth, in my opinion. And let’s not get started on my love life, or lack thereof. Since my ex, there’s just been randomness, mistakes and complicated feelings. And I haven’t been on a real date in about 3 years!
But, I must admit, that as much as I miss being in love, I don’t think that right now I am ready for any serious relationship. I need to make some decisions about my future, and I can be too easily influenced by love. I need my head clear and not stuck in the clouds.
And when I am ready, I believe that love will find me. Until such a time, I'll try to keep my heart open, and fill it with all the love I can find around me.