Stuck in the rain

clooneytoons.blogspot.com

There are so many things in my heart that I wish to pour out here, but I just don’t know where to start. There is clearly no right answer to the questions that have been plaguing my mind. But I am tired of showing my weakness. I am afraid of rejection. My insecurities still plague me. 

And I guess it doesn't help when someone you care so much about starts emitting radio silence.

But this isn't about that.

I’m out of place, and I don’t know where it is that I belong. I don’t know which way to turn next, and I don’t know how to make decisions that I feel comfortable with. My past failures still linger over me, and as much as I try to let go, I just can’t shake this feeling.

I am trying to be patient with myself, but that is a struggle of its own. 

Hazy sensations

My subconscious mind knows more than I can ever consciously comprehend.

I attract people I can relate to -

In an endless search for a connection.

I need to know that I am not alone.

Drawing close to someone in the same position as me.

Another heart desperately seeking comfort.

Dealing with uncertain emotions.

I hide behind these feelings.

In this way, I avoid facing my troubles.

For a moment, his touch takes away the pain.

Or at least he helps me forget,

even if for just a little while,

I can lose myself to this hazy sensation.

It is unreal -

A disconnection from reality

He provides the perfect distraction.

He is already running.

My mind fools my heart into believing

There is nothing to fear if he is unavailable. 
-N.M-

I think I ruined my heart

As I sit here, trying to draw up a study schedule and get everything in order, I'm overwhelmed by a wave of tiredness that sweeps over me. I'm consumed by all this negative energy that is trapped within me. I feel slightly weak, heavy and weighed down, barely able to breathe freely.

I need a real plan. One that will overcome all the obstacles I see ahead of myself.

I need help.

It’s like this past year has been a really bad dream. As if at any moment now I will wake up and start living my real life. This doesn't feel real. This isn't how my life is supposed run. This isn't who I’m supposed to be. The past is a blur of nothingness. Time passed unnoticed, while I was staring into space, slowly losing touch of myself.

Once again I am confronted by my own inadequacy. Failure feels like a cloud that constantly looms over head, everywhere I go, waiting to explode.

I think I ruined my heart. I closed it off. Forbid it to feel anything. Forbid it from feeling pain. And now it has changed and I no longer feel. Happiness is fleeting. Love is an emotion that seems foreign in practice. I still remember the theory of it all, but it just feels implausible.

How is it possible that I didn't see all this coming? How is it that I couldn't prevent myself from falling into this very wide ditch again?

All the signs were there. It’s not as if I didn't recognise the landmarks. I've been here before. So why did I just keep lurching forward blindly, throwing caution to the wind?

It’s almost as if I destined myself to fail. Lost all hope and gave in to the voices that said I was not good enough.

I know it’s not true. I just wish that someone would tell that to my mind and help me fix my heart again. 

You see that girl?

/

When will it all end?

I'm tired -
of listening to the hurt in her voice,
of seeing the pain in her eyes.
It consumes her -
the worry,
the feelings of bitterness.
Losing control of everything around her.

But she keeps fighting -
against the world,
against the reflection in the mirror.
There's no escape -
from all the pain,
from all the conflict that grips and holds on to her soul.

All she wants is to be free -
to live the life she has always dreamed of.

She's been fighting for so long -
for the ones she loves,
for her independence,
to survive in this cruel world.

When will it all end?
-N.M-

In the dead of the night

In the dead of the night,

when the moon is high and the stars shine bright,

what plagues your mind?

Is it peaceful thoughts?

Or confrontations and unanswered questions ringing out loud?

For me, all these emotions start to appear.

Fears and anxieties buried deep down

Come to the surface and fight for control.

They keep me awake.

Until the darkest hour, there is no escape.

My mind is not mine alone.

All these voices,

They tell me different things -

All my insecurities and greatest concerns are exposed before me.

I feel ashamed, disappointed and worthless.

But I know that it is not all my fault.

Some things are beyond my reach.

I cannot change what was, but I can change what may be.

I can choose to fight to regain the power that has vanished within me.

So, I still my mind and take a deep breath in and slowly let it out.

Nothing is lost that can be found once again. ©
-N.M-

All this waiting and thinking...

Some days I am full of energy and all I want is to run around like a crazy person, just expressing all the joy that I feel in my heart.

Other days I feel so down, and as if the wind has just been knocked out of my lungs. There is no energy and I feel weak, drained from all the thoughts constantly playing on repeat in my mind.

Maybe I think too much... waiting for the perfect words to say, the perfect phrase or something clever and witty. And it is exhausting – all this waiting and thinking. Why not just live? Just let whatever happens, happen. Let all the anxiety of imperfection take control and realise that not everything can be molded and impeccable. We all have flaws. Sometimes that is where the beauty lies. How else would we all be different and unique?