I'm not the type of person you fall in love with at first sight. But I've been told that there is a lightness about me that draws people in. I want to believe this. Maybe I once did. But that was a long time ago. These days I feel as though I am a quite the opposite: a darkness from which everyone runs.
Thursday, 27 November 2014
I'm not good with any of this relationship stuff. I keep most of my friends at a distance, and they do the same. And eventually it just fizzles out. I have tried so many times. But I just can't seem to get it right. So I think it might be a good time for me to just tap out.
Monday, 24 November 2014
During church last night I was suddenly overcome by an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. It always makes me think of Hillsong Church, and everything about my life back in Cape Town; aside from the studies. I know that I can’t really compare the two churches because they are quite different. But there is just something so much more vibrant about the atmosphere at Hillsong. Walking through those doors was exciting. People boldly lifted up their hands in worship and danced during the more upbeat songs. And I felt more comfortable expressing myself in that way too. Here, the atmosphere often feels a little more subdued. People worship a little differently and seem a little more serious.
It really isn't fair to compare these churches, but I mourn the loss every time I hear a familiar song. But it’s not just the church itself that I miss. I miss fellowship and the little cell group I belonged to. I miss having people to connect with; even if it was just for a couple hours a week.
I also felt so safe on campus. I didn't realise that until this year. I used to complain constantly about how isolated it was and how closed off from the world I was.
But right now, I’m kinda feeling like a tiny fish plucked out it's fish bowl and placed back into the great big ocean.
Saturday, 22 November 2014
The birds have started chirping; marking the end of night and still I am awake. In the distance I hear the sound of what must be the horn of a ship going off every couple minutes.
I still struggle to fall asleep these days, even though i am feeling completely drained.
I thought that I had started making progress and dealing with everything that this year has thrown at me. But not too long after some of the dust had settled, was it all just shaken up again.
Someone recently told me that the only way to get closure is to move on with your life. I'm not sure whether or not I believe this statement. Maybe I just don't really understand what it means to really move on. I have been holding on to so many different things from my past. Have I ever really had any closure? My heart still feels weighed down.
My mentor reminds me that it is still OK to feel this way; as though nothing really makes sense. She is the only person that I feel comfortable showing my real feelings to. And although I am sure she is moved by my pain, it does not change her life. This makes it easier for me. She allows me to be who I am at that very moment. I don’t have to pretend or feel ashamed.
Thursday, 20 November 2014
Wednesday, 19 November 2014
"If you’re depressed, I will be there for you.
As everyone knows, depressed people are some of the most boring people in the world. I know this because when I was depressed, people fled. Except my best friends. I will be there for you during your horrible break-up, or getting fired from your job, or if you’re just having a bad couple of months or year. I will hate it and find you really tedious, but I promise I won’t abandon you."
Excerpt from Mindy Kaling's book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)
Friday, 14 November 2014
I have been avoiding this blog like the plague. There are many reasons, but mainly because I just wasn't feeling up to expressing all the thoughts that were going through my mind. I put my blinders on and just wanted to get through this year. I was feeling overwhelmed with my life, and very uninspired. But this week the inspiration has slowly been seeping back into my bones and has taken over my heart once again.
And I must admit, it is a really good feeling.
Another reason I couldn't write was because I was getting over someone that I really cared about. It has finally sunken in that he didn't have the same regard for our friendship as I did. I was struggling to understand how things could have changed so drastically between us in just a year. Every word I wrote spilled his name all across my page.
I was uncertain if he was even still reading my blog and I didn't want him in my mind, whilst I was still oblivious as to what was going through his. I didn't want him to know how much he really hurt me. But I have now moved on. There are too many things in my life to worry about. He will not be one of them.
To be honest, I still miss him sometimes. But life goes on. I have come to understand and accept that I am the type of person that doesn't let go of someone very easily. As cliché as this may sound; I love with every fibre of my being. No matter what kind of relationship we have. And this is OK.
So, wherever he is, I hope that he is happy and doing well.
Aside from that, I have been living in my own bubble for the past few months. But I have made a couple really cool friends, and things have started looking up a little for next year. There are still some hard decisions to make, but this year is almost over. I can’t believe it!
But even the pleasant memories bring me pain.
They’ve hurt ever since he left,
Ever since he turned away.
I cringe when I hear his name
My heart breaks when I see his face.
I thought I was in control
But I had it all wrong.