Resurfacing

I have been avoiding this blog like the plague. There are many reasons, but mainly because I just wasn't feeling up to expressing all the thoughts that were going through my mind. I put my blinders on and just wanted to get through this year. I was feeling overwhelmed with my life, and very uninspired. But this week the inspiration has slowly been seeping back into my bones and has taken over my heart once again.

And I must admit, it is a really good feeling.

Another reason I couldn't write was because I was getting over someone that I really cared about. It has finally sunken in that he didn't have the same regard for our friendship as I did. I was struggling to understand how things could have changed so drastically between us in just a year. Every word I wrote spilled his name all across my page.

I was uncertain if he was even still reading my blog and I didn't want him in my mind, whilst I was still oblivious as to what was going through his. I didn't want him to know how much he really hurt me. But I have now moved on. There are too many things in my life to worry about. He will not be one of them.

To be honest, I still miss him sometimes. But life goes on. I have come to understand and accept that I am the type of person that doesn't let go of someone very easily. As cliché as this may sound; I love with every fibre of my being. No matter what kind of relationship we have. And this is OK.

So, wherever he is, I hope that he is happy and doing well.

Aside from that, I have been living in my own bubble for the past few months. But I have made a couple really cool friends, and things have started looking up a little for next year. There are still some hard decisions to make, but this year is almost over. I can’t believe it!

Mothers are only human too

My mother has been booked off from work for a month by a psychologist that she has seen about her work problems. Nothing has been resolved since she went back in August. Instead, it has just been getting worse. The psychologist also referred her to see a psychiatrist and she is now taking antidepressants.

This is all difficult to deal with. She pretends that she is OK; that she is just doing this because of the work stuff, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. But I don’t think that she is ready to face that just yet.

I know that this may seem a little delayed, but it’s almost as if I only just recently realised that my mother is struggling to keep everything together. To me, she has always been this really strong woman that has the answers to everything. And it breaks my heart to see her weaknesses.

I can’t help wishing that she would take control of her life and make decisions for herself and not worry about everyone else. But I guess that it is not as simple as that. We (my sisters and I) have always been her number one priority.

Since I have been home, I have distanced myself from her. Our relationship isn't the same as it was when I only saw her a couple weeks at a time. But then again, I am not the same person I was when I left home. And it’s just too difficult to share all of my issues with her. I don’t want her to try and fix me. I need to figure this out on my own. 

I am glad that she has taken these first steps. It takes courage to face your problems head on. And I strongly believe that my mother will get through it all. 

We all will, one way or another.

Stationary

I’m so fucking frustrated with my life. It feels as though we are standing stationary while everything around me keeps moving -

Time.

People.

Life.

It feels as though every time we (my family and I) take a step forward, something comes along and drags us two steps back.

It’s just so fucking unfair.

I have conversations like this in my head far too often these days. I want to be more optimistic but that’s just too fucking draining. Everything is too fucking draining.

I just want to get away.

Far, far away.

 But that requires money. Money requires a job. Finding a job requires experience.

And sadly, I’m in possession of none of these things. 

Half life

“Don’t call it a life, this half-hearted wandering through all of your days.”- Tyler Knott Gregson

I’m tired of this half-life that I have been living the past couple of days especially. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. It’s difficult for me to say this out loud, but I can’t help hating everything about my life, and I can’t see any way forward. I hate that I am living under this dark cloud of negativity, and I feel no motivation or drive to change anything.  I feel hopeless.

I almost ran into my ex, Guji, the other day. This city is way too small.  My friends and I were standing right behind him and his girlfriend. The second that I realised it was them, I turned right around and half ran to a safe distance away, dragging everyone with me. It was a gut reaction; my heart was beating so fast I didn’t have a chance to think it through. It was awful. I feel completely unequipped to deal with my life right now.

Is it too much to ask that my life be simple and easy? That is what this year was supposed to be about, fixing things and finding happiness, but I can barely get through a day without feeling drained and miserable.

I want to run. To run far, far away but I’m just too scared. I’m tired of having these same issues and of using the same excuses to avoid dealing with things. My heart is broken. I feel so completely broken, and I don’t know how to fix any of it.  

Update: Keeping busy

So I have been keeping myself busy by trying to knit/crochet over the past couple of days and I am finally getting somewhere! I started using circular needles to make an infinity scarf. I’ll post a picture when it’s all done. J It feels good to be able to create; to make something useful and pretty.

I know that it has been a while since I last posted but there were some battles that were being fought that needed internal processing before I could express them. I think that the inspiration to write has once again returned, so I’ll post some of my journal entries from the past month later.

F* said that he would call today, but then he postponed it until tomorrow. Apparently he has something that he wants to tell me. I’m guessing it’s that he’s started seeing someone. I mean, that’s the only reason I can think of that would make him announce it like that. He hasn’t really been chatting the last month or so and I think that he’s been keeping me at a distance.

Yes, yes, he’s been busy studying and it’s really important and stressful and hectic…. And that is an excellent excuse reason to not communicate…. AND I would be completely unreasonable for wanting to speak to a friend to see how things are going, other than on his terms… but whatev’s right, I am building a bridge...

Initially I had some mixed feelings, but if his updated relationship status is the big news then I will be happy for him. Honestly and truly. He deserves happiness just like the rest of us. And I have decided that I will not make a big deal about any of my feelings about the silence. I am learning that I can’t always expect people to deal with things the way I want them to. He has been dealing with his life the best way that he knows how, and confiding in me, just wasn’t something he felt he needed. It could possibly be as simple as that. So, no hard feelings here.

Other than that, things have been quiet, with the usual family chaos. I guess this is a good thing. At least we have a reasonably stable life. Stability is good. Stability is what some people look for all their lives…. I am grateful for all that I have been blessed with.

I hope anyone reading this has been well. I hope to hear from you soon. J

Take care xx

Update: Difficult conversations

I tried speaking to my father about the Au Pair thing, but the whole conversation just upset me. He doesn't understand anything, and I don’t know how to make him see things the way that I do. Instead he just asked a whole lot of questions and undermined the whole idea.

Apparently he is worried that he will have to retire in 3 years and I still won’t have any qualification; and he won’t be able to pay for my studies. He asked whether I was now completely done with medicine, and if there was any way that I could go back to it. He also asked if I had spoken to someone about any other career options.

He said that, without a degree in this country I will have problems finding a good job, and he’s worried that I will end up struggling (financially) in the same way that he has been for most of his life. Then he made an example of my sister (final year Law) that will at least have a degree next year and can decide whether she wants to study further or work.

I stood there almost speechless as he just kept speaking. Yes, I know that he has some valid concerns, but he just wasn't giving me a chance. I started feeling like a complete failure all over again. I felt useless, like a child incapable of making her own decisions and I'm still so confused. 

He is so closed minded, how will I ever be able to make him understand that medicine scares me. I am terrified of who I may become, and of what my life as a doctor will be like. I am afraid of all that responsibility and the pressure of working with people fighting for their lives but still just being helpless and not able to control anything. It's enough to make any one run for the hills. 

And yet I still keep asking myself if I'm just being ridiculous trying to find something that will make me happy.Or maybe my fear is just blocking me from seeing that this really is where my passion lies. I really don't know anymore.

Update! Spilling it all out

I have these periods of a sort of writer’s block, where I just don't feel like putting any of my thoughts down on paper, or sending them out into the World Wide Web. From time to time, I’ll tell myself that I should probably write something, anything, but then after a few seconds I’d just be like “Meh, I really don't want to” and that would be that. But then a couple days or so later, I’ll just sit down and slowly ease the words out, and soon it would be like I had never stopped. 

The most sense that I can make out of it all, is that sometimes I feel as if my thoughts will be too much to deal with, so they are better left hidden in the maze of my mind. I know this isn't true, however, because I always feel better spilling it all out. But I guess my mind isn't the most rational, even at the best of times.

Any one that has read this blog consistently (shout out if that’s you! J) would know that my writing is all over the place. Like a never ending, constantly moving, roller coaster ride. My emotions go up and down without the slightest warning.

So lately I've been struggling to decide what I want to do with the rest of this year, and next year, and for the rest of my life. I've been searching for my purpose. Something that was once so clear to me is now the biggest mystery.

I've been trying to figure out what will make me happy, but all I have discovered so far is that happiness is elusive and it is starting to feel like an illusion. And yet, I am determined not to give up on it. I'm still trying to allow my mind to open up to the possibilities. 

But I am scared too. I keep falling into the same trap, thinking that something is impossible without giving it a fair shot. 

So far, two options have elicited some interest in me. But I am so apprehensive about both. In a perfect world, I’d be able to do both of these things simply and easily and everything will be great. But instead of seeing the world as black and white, I tend to see too many shades of grey. And in these grey areas are an endless number of things that could go wrong. 

My mentor has been encouraging me to explore all options fully, and not simply let them go because of my preconceived misconceptions. So, this is what I have been doing. It has been a slow process. I will post more about my options soon.  J

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead

I had a meeting with my mentor again today. 

She asked me if I could honestly tell her that I still wanted to study medicine.  This is not the first time that we have spoken about this and she is not the first person to ask. Every other time I just give my default answer – Yes, without thinking about it. Because saying no would warrant an explanation.  an explanation that I don’t have yet; one that I am afraid of.

However, this time, I realised that I couldn't answer her. Instead, with tears running down my face, I told her that I don’t know any more. For the first time, I allowed myself to feel the uncertainty, without blocking it out. I have started facing my true feelings about being here, in a place that has just made me the unhappiest I have ever been.

I feel as if I’m just rolling with the punches and just submitting to this beating that life has been dishing out.

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead. But is it really? It hurts. It hurts so much that I've learnt how to dull the pain. To give up all feeling. There comes a point when you start to run out of tears from all the crying. You realise that crying makes you feel miserable and it doesn't fix anything.

I am so scared of making a decision about whether I should stay or go that I have given it up to the university to decide my fate.

What happens if they tell me that I can continue my studies? Will I be happy? And what if they tell me that I can no longer study here? Will I feel relieved? Will that make me happier?

I guess this leaves it up to me to really think about what will make me happy. 

I don’t know what I will do if I leave this place but I also don’t know what will change if I stay. This is the uncertainty that I am struggling with. I don’t know what I’m meant to do with my life anymore. I used to be so certain about all of this.  

If I quit, I feel as if I will never get a degree or have a career. I will have nothing to account for the past 5 years of my life. But if I continue, how will I get through another year without further ruining my life by making very bad decisions?

I’m still trying to figure out why certain things have happened. My poor heart has taken such a beating already. It’s almost as if I have given up a little of my faith.  I think that I feel nothing because otherwise I would break completely. It seems that everything is spinning out of control. Fast. This feeling of hopelessness is turning into destruction.

Every day in class I look around at all these people that I barely know. All of them seemingly doing well. Do they see the failure that fills my heart? that I can’t seem to escape from? And every time I try to study, it’s like I don’t know what I should be doing. 

I just don’t know how to make this work.                                                                       

Confessions

I told F everything. To say that he was shocked is an understatement. I don’t know why, but he handled it amazingly. And he said that it hasn’t changed the way that he feels about me, but trusts me more now that I was honest and confided in him.  

Honestly, I was too ashamed to tell him. I was afraid that it would change his opinion of me.

But he still loves me.

I just can’t begin to explain how much this means to me. Losing him would have been one of the hardest things to deal with, on top of everything else. This complicated, twisted, unrealistic relationship that we have is just too precious to me. He accepts me, totally and completely. Our friendship always comes first, before all the other mixed up emotions.

I don’t know what could possibly come from holding on to these other feelings that I have for him, but I just don’t feel ready to let go. I know that it is never going to get any easier, and I have to accept that he is not coming back. The hardest thing to deal with is the thought of us never having a future together.

I really wish that things were different. That I had fallen for him sooner, or realised it when he told me how he felt about me last year.

But at the same time, I know that we are currently both where we need to be. The best place for him is at home. And I am probably not in the best position to be concerned with romantic feelings when my future is still hanging in the balance.

How do I move forward from here?  Do we just keep going this way until the feelings fizzle out??  Until we meet someone new?

This is just going to hurt.

I just need to move on with my life. Focus on my studies. Heal this heart that has taken a beating over the past couple of weeks especially.

If something is meant to be, then it will be – one way or another.