A little bit of hope

For a while I have not able to get out much, mostly because of financial restraints and because I don’t have my driving licence yet. And instead of trying, I have been avoiding all social contact all together. I think that I am still waiting for things to get easier and start falling in to place, even though I know that is not how things usually work out. 

I saw a student counsellor at the university last month, with the hope that she would help me find out about more possible options. But after making a list of values and things I want from a career, the rest of the conversation revolved around Medicine. She had the idea that doing anything else would not bring me full satisfaction, and instead I would just be settling. I think she was trying to motivate me to give it another try. But I was/am not convinced. She didn't really understand where I was coming from and I left feeling even more confused and hurt. She even tried talking me out of studying psychology, because according to her, it would not be worth it in the end.

I remember coming home and just crying for a few minutes, feeling as though I was just right back where I started, with no way to move forward.

The other day, I was searching the internet, looking for some kind of support group in the area and I stumbled across the Lifeline website. I phoned the organisation and they told me about a Personal Growth course that they offer for 8 weeks which starts on the 24th July. I am feeling very nervous about it and I have no idea what to expect, but I am hoping that this will help me deal with all the things that I am having trouble letting go of and also help me to move forward. I don't want to hold on to the past any more. 

Just not ready

I went to see a career assessment counselor a couple of days ago, with the hope that she might give me some more options to explore. But that’s not how the meeting went down. During our conversation, I realised that this counselor was the same person that speaks to my sister. So, even though I’m sure she meant well, she had a preconceived idea of who I was, and I think she was a little biased with her advice.

Honestly, she didn’t really offer the help that I was looking for. Basically, we spoke about my values and priorities, when it comes to choosing a career. I told her what I was thinking about doing, and then she proceeded to try and convince me to not give up on medicine, and to give it another chance. She said that medicine was the only thing that would encompass everything that I was looking for. She suggested I try another university and not think of this as a complete failure.

I understand where she is coming from, and her intentions were probably good, but she just didn’t understand me. I didn’t just give up on medicine. I tried. For 5 years I tried to make it work. But I just don’t have it in me anymore - not right now. I’m still terrified of being a doctor, and of everything that I will have to deal with in that field.

Being scared may not be a good reason for some people, but it is for me. I still have some growing up to do before I can even think of going back there. I don’t want to spend the next 10 years of my life struggling and feeling miserable. Even if it may be worth it one day, I’m not sure whether I am willing to pay the price for all of that…

Life is too short to wait for something that may never turn out the way you hoped it would.

The New Year Project: Life without failure?

What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

Day 5 of Toni's New Year Project

Honestly? The first thing that came to mind was… Medicine. I would become a doctor. But saying that makes me a little sad. Do I really still feel that way?

Yes, yes I do.

I would study, and do really well and become a super awesome doctor that would save the world, one patient at a time. I would open up a practice medical centre that would focus on wellness medicine incorporating the various forms of alternative and homeopathic practices. Each doctor, and allied health practitioner will focus on taking care of patients holistically. We would strive to make sure that patient care is individualised. Our aim would be to empower them to take control of their own healing.

But all that just feels like an empty dream. The one that got away…

I know that I shouldn't be thinking about it like this, but maybe it is too soon to expect myself to be OK. A lot of my time is spent wondering what my next step should be. Wondering whether I should try to get back somehow. But at the same time I'm just so afraid that no matter what I try, it will never happen.

I also know that I should be grateful for this time that I have now to rest and be free, but I can’t help worrying that this is just time wasted. Every day that goes by and I become more and more aware that I have accomplished nothing. I already feel stuck.

And I don’t know what to do to. I don’t know how to heal without regretting the past. Without feeling guilty.

Nonetheless, I will keep being as positive as I can be, taking each day at a time. 

Please feel free to comment below.

Check out the page, The New Year Project, for the complete list.

Truth be told

If I am truly honest with myself, I have known for a while that this place has not been good for me. 

A part of me feels relieved.  

I can’t imagine constantly struggling in this environment for the next few years of my life. It is not good for this fragile heart of mine.

I have just been in denial for so long; too afraid to accept the possibility of this not being the right path for me. yes I am still terrified. I don’t know how my future is going to unfold now. I have no  plan. No degree. No career.

But instead of focusing on all the negatives, I am going to choose to focus on all the good that has come from being here for the past 5 years. 

I have grown to love Cape Town. I have made some amazing friends that I am honoured to call family. They have supported me and helped me through such difficult times in my young life. My faith has grown stronger in the past year alone. Yes, it has been difficult and I have made some mistakes along the way, but I have refused to give it up. God's grace and mercy is enough. I will always cherish the lessons that I have learnt.

It is funny how things work out eventually. His timing is truly perfect. I do not believe that all of these things could have happened any other way. 

It had to be like this. 

I asked God to guide me through this and to show me the right path. So now I will trust that he has. Last night, someone I know in a similar situation to me, told me that she had not been reaccepted. This was before I found out myself. I found myself sending her a message that I needed to be reminded of myself:

“We must just keep believing that God’s plan is best for us. Even though we don’t understand why things happen in the ways that they do. Give yourself some time to recover. You are so much stronger because you have held on for so long. Do not doubt this. It has been difficult to keep going after the defeats that we have been through. But you have never given up. Remember that."

I believe this with all my heart.

My mentor has been one of the greatest support systems over the past few years. She says that she feels a bit relieved for me, because she has seen how difficult things have been. She believes that even though I do have the ability to make a great doctor, the reason I have struggled for so long is because my heart just has not been happy. It has been depressed. It has not been restrained for the longest time. I felt stuck, going nowhere.

And I have seen the damage.

So, she suggests that I take the next 6 months off. A gap year of sorts, and take some time to heal and rediscover what truly brings me joy. I have lost my identity over the last couple of years. 

I know that my life is not going to be easy, but it doesn’t have to be a constant battle. God has called me back home for a reason. It is time to embrace this decision and make the most of my time by enjoying life and finding some excitement.

I don’t know how my life is going to unfold. But I now have the freedom to reconnect with God and listen to His voice. I will follow where He guides me. 

I didn’t get reaccepted.

I can no longer continue studying medicine. 

One minute my life is all set up; my path, riddled with obstacles, but still laid out ahead. The next minute, my world has been completely shattered. The one thing that has defined me for the past 5 years has been taken a way. 

Who am I, if not a medical student? 

I am devastated. Failure is one thing to deal with, but rejection is something completely different. The realization that this is no longer where I belong feels unreal. 

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead

I had a meeting with my mentor again today. 

She asked me if I could honestly tell her that I still wanted to study medicine.  This is not the first time that we have spoken about this and she is not the first person to ask. Every other time I just give my default answer – Yes, without thinking about it. Because saying no would warrant an explanation.  an explanation that I don’t have yet; one that I am afraid of.

However, this time, I realised that I couldn't answer her. Instead, with tears running down my face, I told her that I don’t know any more. For the first time, I allowed myself to feel the uncertainty, without blocking it out. I have started facing my true feelings about being here, in a place that has just made me the unhappiest I have ever been.

I feel as if I’m just rolling with the punches and just submitting to this beating that life has been dishing out.

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead. But is it really? It hurts. It hurts so much that I've learnt how to dull the pain. To give up all feeling. There comes a point when you start to run out of tears from all the crying. You realise that crying makes you feel miserable and it doesn't fix anything.

I am so scared of making a decision about whether I should stay or go that I have given it up to the university to decide my fate.

What happens if they tell me that I can continue my studies? Will I be happy? And what if they tell me that I can no longer study here? Will I feel relieved? Will that make me happier?

I guess this leaves it up to me to really think about what will make me happy. 

I don’t know what I will do if I leave this place but I also don’t know what will change if I stay. This is the uncertainty that I am struggling with. I don’t know what I’m meant to do with my life anymore. I used to be so certain about all of this.  

If I quit, I feel as if I will never get a degree or have a career. I will have nothing to account for the past 5 years of my life. But if I continue, how will I get through another year without further ruining my life by making very bad decisions?

I’m still trying to figure out why certain things have happened. My poor heart has taken such a beating already. It’s almost as if I have given up a little of my faith.  I think that I feel nothing because otherwise I would break completely. It seems that everything is spinning out of control. Fast. This feeling of hopelessness is turning into destruction.

Every day in class I look around at all these people that I barely know. All of them seemingly doing well. Do they see the failure that fills my heart? that I can’t seem to escape from? And every time I try to study, it’s like I don’t know what I should be doing. 

I just don’t know how to make this work.                                                                       

Update: Abdo Surgery

The past two weeks have been crazy getting fully used to the hospital and the way things work around there. Who knew it could all be so complicated? Even though most of the time we were just so busy doing nothing and waiting around to be sent somewhere. And I can't even tell you the number of times I found myself lost, walking down some deserted, dodgy looking corridor!

But besides it all, it has been quite a learning experience! I've met some really great doctors that don't mind teaching whenever they have a minute to spare, and I had the privilege of speaking to and learning from some really humbling patients. Words cannot express how grateful I am to all of them for having patience with us while we fumble around looking for the right drip, or trying to draw blood like 3 times without any success. All the while they are in so much pain and are just frustrated at being stuck in hospital. It really must be tough for patients that have been in hospital for a few months to have to keep readjusting to new students with every change of rotation. I could never truly understand what it is like.

This rotation has been divided in to 2 parts: Abdominal surgery which i just finished, as well as Trauma which starts on Monday.

I assisted in my first surgery last Friday. It was absolutely surreal to be standing there. I have always known that surgery just wouldn't be something that I would study further, but it was still great being able to experience it. And I must admit, that I handled it much better than I thought I would.

The best part of the mini rotation was seeing patients on clinic day. It was really great to see patients for their check up, and to see the progress that they have made. It gives you hope that all these surgeries and long hospital stays are not always for nothing. Patients do get through it. It does really help.

In desperate need of some serious retail therapy...

*Sigh what a long couple of weeks this has been... I'm all done with classes for the year, but now I just have to wait for the rest of the 2nd years to finish “Intro to Clinical Medicine” before we start with final exams – on the 22nd November!

I know that I should be grateful for the time that I have to prepare, but I can’t help just wanting to get this all over with. I’m so tired of studying and I still have like 2 weeks of endlessly long days spent in front of books, books and more books!! I think I might just go crazy!! 

And as much as I try, I still find it difficult to keep focused and stick to my study plan. There’s that little voice in the back of my mind that's scared shitless of having to rewrite these exams in Jan next year. 

But I know that I really can’t keep thinking like that. I have come a long way since last year, and it would be a shame to deny all the changes that have happened in my life, by still believing that I am not capable of achieving my goals.  I have grown in my faith and I have a strong support system around me. So all that is left is to just get on with what I need to do. 

Medicine will never be easy, and there will always be challenges. The only thing that will determine my outcome is whether I rise to meet those challenges, or back away with some excuse of not being strong enough or good enough.  

I don’t want to look back at the end of this year and think that I did not do everything that I could to get to where I want to be. 

So I guess that this leaves me with no choice other than to just soldier on… into the trenches I go. This is WAR!

Free weekend!!!

After every module, we get a weekend off. This means, no guilty feelings about the huge amount of studying that we still have to do. It is free of all stress and we can just enjoy doing whatever we like, granted that you don’t keep worrying about how badly the last test went…  

Usually I don’t have a problem putting tests behind me once I finish… I mean, there is no point worrying about things that you can’t change, right? I just have to wait and see if I have high enough marks to write the exam…..

There is truly no way to escape stress around here! BUT, on the bright side, I’m just really happy to finally have that module over and done with.  I just want to get this whole year over with as quickly as possible! And it won’t be long before final exams are here. I have 2 more modules left. They are shorter than the previous ones, though it doesn’t mean that they will be any less work…

Big Sigh…..

But, I have been having a nice weekend. Nothing exciting has happened, but it’s been good and restful.

I donated blood on Friday, a couple of hours after the test. It wasn’t really the best idea, given that I was tired and I felt a little weak afterwards. But I wanted to donate this time. The blood drive service doesn’t come around very often, and previously my Iron levels had been a little too low to be able to donate.  But this time, everything was good to go. I’ve done it many times before, but for some reason, this time; I was thinking about the blood flowing out of my tiny veins that will one day be of use to someone that needs it.

Saturday, I went to church in the morning. There was this Sisterhood service, for woman and children of all ages. It was wonderful to be there and the message was truly powerful. The church was almost bursting at its seams because it was so full! And there was hardly any place to sit! It was honestly amazing to see so many women gathered there with a few guys serving and welcoming us all in as we queued up outside.

Just the people queued up outside, waiting to find space inside the church!

All in all, it has been a good weekend. I hope that everyone, or anyone, out there reading this has had a good weekend too. Feel free to send me an email or comment anytime on anything. 

Happy Sunday! J

Clear skies

I don't believe that it is a coincidence that in the middle of winter, the sun has come out to play... The last couple of days have been warm and sunny and beautiful.


I know that the rainy days and stormy weather has not passed completely, but nothing brings more hope, than that one day that breaks the cold and reminds us that grey skies don't last forever. The sun has not forsaken us, and when you least expect it, it will shine once again and take your breath away.


Much like medicine.

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