Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead

I had a meeting with my mentor again today. 

She asked me if I could honestly tell her that I still wanted to study medicine.  This is not the first time that we have spoken about this and she is not the first person to ask. Every other time I just give my default answer – Yes, without thinking about it. Because saying no would warrant an explanation.  an explanation that I don’t have yet; one that I am afraid of.

However, this time, I realised that I couldn't answer her. Instead, with tears running down my face, I told her that I don’t know any more. For the first time, I allowed myself to feel the uncertainty, without blocking it out. I have started facing my true feelings about being here, in a place that has just made me the unhappiest I have ever been.

I feel as if I’m just rolling with the punches and just submitting to this beating that life has been dishing out.

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead. But is it really? It hurts. It hurts so much that I've learnt how to dull the pain. To give up all feeling. There comes a point when you start to run out of tears from all the crying. You realise that crying makes you feel miserable and it doesn't fix anything.

I am so scared of making a decision about whether I should stay or go that I have given it up to the university to decide my fate.

What happens if they tell me that I can continue my studies? Will I be happy? And what if they tell me that I can no longer study here? Will I feel relieved? Will that make me happier?

I guess this leaves it up to me to really think about what will make me happy. 

I don’t know what I will do if I leave this place but I also don’t know what will change if I stay. This is the uncertainty that I am struggling with. I don’t know what I’m meant to do with my life anymore. I used to be so certain about all of this.  

If I quit, I feel as if I will never get a degree or have a career. I will have nothing to account for the past 5 years of my life. But if I continue, how will I get through another year without further ruining my life by making very bad decisions?

I’m still trying to figure out why certain things have happened. My poor heart has taken such a beating already. It’s almost as if I have given up a little of my faith.  I think that I feel nothing because otherwise I would break completely. It seems that everything is spinning out of control. Fast. This feeling of hopelessness is turning into destruction.

Every day in class I look around at all these people that I barely know. All of them seemingly doing well. Do they see the failure that fills my heart? that I can’t seem to escape from? And every time I try to study, it’s like I don’t know what I should be doing. 

I just don’t know how to make this work.                                                                       

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