Saturday, 25 January 2014

Emotions running wild

I sometimes wish that I could record the conversations that I have with my middle  sister. She tells me things that I need to hear, no matter how difficult it is.

My emotions are currently all over the place. I guess that it has to do with all the stress that I've been under lately, and I have not been dealing with them appropriately.

I need space away from *F. As much as I don’t want to hurt him, I am allowing him to hurt me. We had a fight the other night about his ex-girlfriend who is now “one of his closest friends”. He told her some things about our relationship that I feel are none of her business. But he says that he owed it to her to explain everything. It makes me angry because I feel that she has no right to know intimate details about us.

The whole thing left me wondering if there are still feelings shared between them. Can I truly trust that he is being completely honest when he tells me that there isn't anything there? Why else would she be jealous? It doesn't make sense to me. 

As much as she is his best friend now, they have still shared a lot together. A lot more than he and I ever will. I think that this is what makes me upset the most. But I, apparently, have no right to feel this way either.  

So this is why I really need to stop the delusions that I have going on in my head.  And the best way I know how, is to stop sharing my life with him. I need to draw some boundaries in my life and start taking care of myself first. I can’t allow emotions to determine all decisions I make.

There are so many other things that I have to focus on now. I need to let my brain take control and start looking after my heart.

I need to be stronger and pull myself together; build myself up. it is time to take control of this situation.

It is time to move on with my life. 

On Monday, I will find out whether or not I can continue studying medicine. Whatever they decide, my life will have to change.

No more dwelling on things that I have no control over. 

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