Day 5: What do I need more of?

Day 5: What do I need more of?

1) Self love.

I need to value myself more.

Lately I’ve been trapped in this cycle of giving people what they want,

even though I know it hasn’t been good for me. 

I need to love all the parts of myself,

and be gentle with the parts that are struggling.

This also means understanding that there will be both good days and bad days;

things that come easily, and things that may take time.

I’ve learnt that loving myself is a choice

that I must make every single day.

2) Confidence.

In my abilities.

In who I am now and the woman I am becoming.

In my future – that the best is yet to come!

3) Faith.

Increasing and unconditional - for every situation or season. 

Isaiah 40:31

4) New Adventures.

For the first time in a few months I've been home bound - which has been good for me. But now I long for trying new things and making new discoveries.

Please feel free to say hi or leave a comment! :)

Follow the link in BohoBerry image to check out the details of this challenge.

2015 in Review

A list of the good stuff that I would like to take away from 2015 :) 

Better late than never!

1.       Started studying Psychology!

For the first time I can say that I finished this year on a very good note and achieved really great results. I enjoyed most of my modules this year and found the content very interesting. There were a few ups and downs along the way, but in the end I am happy with the way that this year went.

2.       Became a Peer Helper and got involved on campus

3.       Got my driver’s licence!

Passing my driver’s test in July 2015 changed my life for the better. It made life much easier for me and my family and allowed me to have more independence.

4.       Great conversations with my mentor.

My mentor is an amazing woman. I have mentioned her here and there in a few of my posts in the past. I am truly grateful for her continued support and encouragement of the past year. We have a monthly Skype session and she always makes an effort to fit me into her busy schedule.

5.       Met interesting new people and made a few great friends.

6.       Started facilitating at Revive and became part of the team.

7.       Started working at a bookstore. 

             My very first formal part-time employment. 

Looking forward to what this year has to offer!

I wish that I didn't feel so dramatically about everything

Sometimes I wish that I didn't feel so dramatically about everything. I wish that everything that someone does or says wouldn't mean so much to me. But I’d be lying to myself if I said that it doesn't. It upsets a little when close friends don’t keep in contact. 
I over think their reasons and end up trying to figure out if there’s something wrong, or if I did something to upset them.

I tend to fight with those I love and I look for ways to fix things. 
But I guess I can’t win every battle.
Not everyone sees the world, or relationships, the way that I do. I must accept this and just simply let things be the way that they are.

I’m learning that you shouldn't always depend on people, because even if they try their hardest to always make you happy, they may still end up disappointing you. No one is perfect. It is in our nature to fall short of being everything to everyone. And this is a lot of pressure to put on them. 

So, I am just going to keep breathing deeply whenever I miss him and allow time to pass:- Until it doesn't feel like a part of me is misplaced; until he stops appearing in my dreams; and until my world isn't fazed by whether he’s in it or not. 

Update! Spilling it all out

I have these periods of a sort of writer’s block, where I just don't feel like putting any of my thoughts down on paper, or sending them out into the World Wide Web. From time to time, I’ll tell myself that I should probably write something, anything, but then after a few seconds I’d just be like “Meh, I really don't want to” and that would be that. But then a couple days or so later, I’ll just sit down and slowly ease the words out, and soon it would be like I had never stopped. 

The most sense that I can make out of it all, is that sometimes I feel as if my thoughts will be too much to deal with, so they are better left hidden in the maze of my mind. I know this isn't true, however, because I always feel better spilling it all out. But I guess my mind isn't the most rational, even at the best of times.

Any one that has read this blog consistently (shout out if that’s you! J) would know that my writing is all over the place. Like a never ending, constantly moving, roller coaster ride. My emotions go up and down without the slightest warning.

So lately I've been struggling to decide what I want to do with the rest of this year, and next year, and for the rest of my life. I've been searching for my purpose. Something that was once so clear to me is now the biggest mystery.

I've been trying to figure out what will make me happy, but all I have discovered so far is that happiness is elusive and it is starting to feel like an illusion. And yet, I am determined not to give up on it. I'm still trying to allow my mind to open up to the possibilities. 

But I am scared too. I keep falling into the same trap, thinking that something is impossible without giving it a fair shot. 

So far, two options have elicited some interest in me. But I am so apprehensive about both. In a perfect world, I’d be able to do both of these things simply and easily and everything will be great. But instead of seeing the world as black and white, I tend to see too many shades of grey. And in these grey areas are an endless number of things that could go wrong. 

My mentor has been encouraging me to explore all options fully, and not simply let them go because of my preconceived misconceptions. So, this is what I have been doing. It has been a slow process. I will post more about my options soon.  J

20 Things to let go of before the New Year

 Blog post from: Mind Body Green

1.  Let go of all thoughts that don't make you feel empowered and strong.

2.  Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.

3.  Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

4.  Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.

5.  Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

6.  Let go of blaming anyone for anything; be accountable for your own life. If you don’t like something, you have two choices, accept it or change it.

7.  Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.

8.  Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

9.  Let go of being the “go-to person” for everyone, all the time; stop blowing yourself off and take care of yourself first … because you matter.

10.  Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

11. Let go of thinking there's a right and wrong way to do things or to see the world. Enjoy the contrast and celebrate the diversity and richness of life.

12. Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.

13. Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.

14. Let go of anger toward ex lovers and family. We all deserve happiness and love; just because it is over doesn’t mean the love was wrong.

15. Let go of the need to do more and be more; for today, you've done the best you can, and that's enough.

16. Let go of thinking you have to know how to make it happen; we learn the way on the way.

17. Let go of your money woes — make a plan to pay off debt and focus on your abundance.

18.  Let go of trying to save or change people. Everyone has her own path, and the best thing you can do is work on yourself and stop focusing on others.

19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding.

20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are. Celebrate you!

My subconscious mind...

Last night I dreamt that I was a psychiatric doctor and I was in some sort of clinic, but my surroundings were very vague. I remember there being patients around me and nurses in the room. It was time for me to interview one of the patients and I remember thinking that I should get started.  But I also remember knowing that I should wait for the doctor in charge to come first. She was a woman with a short black bob hair cut with a thick fringe sitting at a desk. But instead of waiting for her, I decided to go into a room with the patient and start by myself because I felt relatively safe and didn't think that anything would happen. The patient was a seemingly quiet man maybe in his 30 or 40s. I remember knowing that he was already diagnosed with multiple personality disorder before we started the interview, but I had a sense that he was fine and that it was under control.

We are alone in this consultation room and we sit down and the interview has barely begun when this man suddenly disappears and it is almost as if his body silently splits into 7 different “spirits” that swoop around and all come towards me – like something out of the movies! I remember then falling to the floor and curling up into a foetal position and protecting my head. But they just swarmed above me. And then the doctor in charge came into the room and the figures disappeared and the man was sitting there as if nothing had happened while I was pulled out of the room and scolded for doing the interview alone.  

And that was when I woke up suddenly. And I had to try and figure out if what just happened was a real memory or whether it was just a dream. I did get a fright waking up, but I don’t remember being really scared or terrified. Very bazaar!  

I don’t think that it means anything terrifying, but after giving it some thought, I think the “spirits” simply represent all the feelings and emotions that I am trying to juggle and balance in my life at this point. And by me “going in to see the patient alone” it is as if I am trying to take on all these things by myself, without waiting for help from someone that actually can.

And throw in the fact that we are currently studying psychology in class and you have a truly crazy dream! It fascinates me the intricate ways in which our subconscious mind works to process thins we may be avoiding in real life…

Faith is not knowing that God can, it is knowing that He will.

God has His own way of showing us what we need. Life may not always be filled with rainbows and butterflies, but there is always something to be grateful for.  One day, in the future, all the pain and heartache will just be a distant memory. And from it, we will draw great strength and wisdom. I believe that God is preparing us for something extraordinary. He has an incredible plan for our lives. 

The hardest part is just having faith.

It's all a distant memory...

It's always great to look back at the past and see how far you've come, and how different things are now. As time passes, everything begins to feel like a distant memory and it's almost as if none of it actually happened. All the emotions and feelings are gone, but at that time and in that moment, it felt like there was no getting passed all the obstacles that stood in the way.

But all the difficult times are only temporary, and the only way to overcome them is to tackle them head on. Have faith and believe that you will get through it. God will never give you a challenge that you can't handle. And He is always right by your side. He will never leave.

Eventually all things, good or bad, will come to an end. So it's up to you what you take away from it. You can decide whether or not to hold on to the pain and the hurt, or whether you let it go, and allow yourself to grow stronger because of it.

It may be easier said than done, but I have been going through so much over the last couple of years, and there are so many things that have changed about me and about my life. I'm far from perfect, but I am growing, and I believe that, with Gods continued help and guidance, I will achieve all the dreams and receive the desires that He has placed in my heart.

With God, all things are possible.