Lifeline Session 4: Collage

This week we had to prepare a collage to be discussed in our small group. The objective of the collage was to be a representation of my life and of who I am. This could have been interpreted in any way. 

I found it to be a little bit of a challenge trying to organise the pictures I had gathered. I was determined to do it perfectly. Only afterwards did I realise how my collage came out very structured. One of the facilitators also noticed this and suggested that it might be because I don’t have much structure in my life at the moment. And I think she was right. I was so focused on trying to get the perfect layout and have it all aligned. My pictures were also small, so there were a lot of different things going on, which made it quite a mouthful to explain.

On the first page of the poster, I included some of the things I enjoy doing, such as reading, writing, cooking and baking, dancing, spending time with friends. 

The bottom half represents the way I had been feeling for the past few years especially, and all that I had been going through. The masks I wear, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, constantly fighting against time, lonely and stressed. I was hesitant to include all these images because I think I didn't want to face it all again, and have to share it with the group. But in the end, I was glad that I did. This section actually depicts the real me - behind the smile that I wear to hide all that is really going on.



This section on the middle page shows all the relationships I hope to  have. I want to have a family of my own. I want to have that fairy tail wedding with the white dress. I want to marry a good and honest man that will love me unconditionally. I want to be a mother, spending lots of time with my family.

On the bottom of this page I included pictures of my past. Happy memories with friends and things that make me smile when I think back on those times. I also have a picture of the campus that had been my home for so many years. It left me feeling nostalgic, but also reminded me that my time at medical school was not all bad.

The last page included my aspirations, hopes and dreams. As you can see, this was quite a mouthful. But I am glad that I had the chance to share this with the group.

Lifeline Session 3: Learning and growing

Today’s session explored our self-concept, self-disclosure, acceptance of feelings, and self-acceptance.  We also spoke a little bit about the meaning of life and tragic optimism.

Tragic optimism is the principle that life can be potentially meaningful under any condition, even for the miserable and despite of the pain or guilt that we are going through. It allows for us to turn suffering into achievement; move from guilt to improve ourselves for the better; and the ability to take action.

The search for meaning involves taking responsibility for our feelings, thoughts and actions. This can be better explained in Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s Search For Meaning”. 

I haven’t quite thought about life like this. I've just been wallowing in self-pity. But this is not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I need to read that book!

Self-disclosure means to communicate to others some personal information about ourselves in order to build relationships with them and become meaningfully involved. This also helps us learn more about ourselves.

“Personal growth requires not only that you acknowledge and accept weakness, but also that you recognise and develop your strengths.”

Acceptance of feelings is an important part of communicating with others. It shows them that you understand what they are feeling and essentially, lets them know that it is all right for them to feel that way. It means that you don't need to do something about the feeling - such as giving advice, giving assurance or even saying that you think the feeling is justified, but that you are comfortable with the person expressing that feeling.

This puts things into perspective about meaningful relationships. It’s so easy to try and reassure someone when they are going through something, but that may not be what they are looking for. Sometimes I just need someone to hear me and understand without trying to fix things, or feeling sorry for me. 

Self-acceptance is the ability to know our strengths, but also accept our weaknesses.

“When you value the different aspects of yourself, you feel accepted by others and you accept yourself, then you can actualise your own potential.”

In group we spoke about our feelings in response to certain situations, using a list of feeling words. And we also drew our “secret place” – real or imaginary, where we go to escape life or take some time out. 

My secret place is a combination of real and imaginary. I've always loved gardens - colourful flowers and big strong trees. The mountains remind me of the distant Stellenbosch mountains I could see from the fields on campus. I like the way a flock of birds fly in unison at sunset or in the mornings. I love the sound of water flowing, and the way the clouds drift across the sky.  

I imagine myself alone in this place, free from distractions, and any worries. It is peaceful and comforting. 

Things are changing in my life. I can feel it. It's a slow process but I need to be patient and trust that in time things will start to work out. 

Lifeline Session 2: The masks we wear

Today was our second session of the Lifeline course and it was pretty eye-opening. We spoke a little bit about trust and then went deeper into exploring the different masks that we each wear on a daily basis to cope with various situations in our lives. Masks can be a good or a bad thing, depending on whether you use it for your benefit, or to hide your feelings and emotions. Some people need to wear many masks while others don’t feel the need to wear any. But there is usually a cost involved, as it may affect your relationships and/or cause you to isolate yourself.

I hide behind smiles and laughter, when the truth is that I don’t truly know how to be happy and content with my life. I wear my mask to create a barrier between myself and others. I have a couple close relationships but I’ve realised that I still keep my guard up, not fully disclosing everything; keeping my real feelings and emotions hidden.

I’m afraid of being vulnerable and exposed because I don’t want to give anyone the chance to hurt me again. From my past experiences I think I have started to believe that most relationships don’t last. So I don’t want to be put into a position in which someone will have the upper hand if our relationship goes bad - for whatever reason.

 

I know that this is not a good way to think about relationships. I want to be more open about my true feelings and let people in. I think that my problem is that I don’t know how people will react or respond to all my overwhelming emotions. I mean, what do I expect them to say? What if I over-share and it changes their opinion of me in some way? 

Maybe I am also afraid of being judged by the things that hurt me the most. I don’t want people to pity me, or my family and all that we have been through. I don’t want to appear weak. This is one of my greatest struggles right now.

Lifeline Session 1: Out of the darkness

I started attending a Personal Growth Course through Lifeline Community Wellness Centre. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I am honestly very glad that I found the course.

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to move forward with my life, and get over some of my painful past experiences. I feel stuck and I just don’t know how to deal with these overwhelming emotions.

Basically, this course is a journey towards greater self-awareness and self-discovery. The main goals are to gain greater self-insight, to learn to accept yourself and your feelings, to communicate more effectively, to expand your ways of relating and responding to others and to know yourself more fully.

Exactly what I need! My reasons for doing the course are:

- To figure out my true identity apart from once being a medical student

- To meet new people that are also facing similar challenges

- To find my purpose

- To make new friends

- To find joy within myself

- To let go of my past and move on with life.

- To help me become a mature and confident young woman

- To help me face my fears head on

- To help me start taking risks.

- To start healing all these scars from my past

We were allocated to smaller groups to discuss the different exercises for each session. One of today's tasks was to draw a picture of ourselves, and where we are in our lives. This is a very revealing exercise because even though one doesn’t have the skills of an artist, the image still comes across quite vividly.

It was quite something to listen to each person describing their pictures and to be able to open up, emotionally, to a group of strangers that I had only just met. I felt comfortable telling them all that had been weighing heavily on my heart the past couple days. Once I had started speaking, the tears just came - but I wasn’t embarrassed in any way. It was freeing to let it all out. They offered encouragement, and shared some of their own personal experience in similar situations. 

It’s time to move out of this darkness that I have been hiding in, and to accept that this is my life; I can’t silently wish it were different if I am not going to get up and do something to change it. I want to make the most of what I have been given, and be grateful for every blessing.

This is not about simply smoothing over the surface, hiding away my issues or making everything appear better. It's not even about trying to put a smile on my face and being be more positive. It's much more than those fancy quotes that I love, that tell you that everything will be OK one day; it is about building my self-confidence and truly believing in myself, with no doubts or second guessing.

It is time to change the things that make me unhappy - even if I just take one small step at a time.