Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Truth be told

If I am truly honest with myself, I have known for a while that this place has not been good for me. 

A part of me feels relieved.  

I can’t imagine constantly struggling in this environment for the next few years of my life. It is not good for this fragile heart of mine.

I have just been in denial for so long; too afraid to accept the possibility of this not being the right path for me. yes I am still terrified. I don’t know how my future is going to unfold now. I have no  plan. No degree. No career.

But instead of focusing on all the negatives, I am going to choose to focus on all the good that has come from being here for the past 5 years. 

I have grown to love Cape Town. I have made some amazing friends that I am honoured to call family. They have supported me and helped me through such difficult times in my young life. My faith has grown stronger in the past year alone. Yes, it has been difficult and I have made some mistakes along the way, but I have refused to give it up. God's grace and mercy is enough. I will always cherish the lessons that I have learnt.

It is funny how things work out eventually. His timing is truly perfect. I do not believe that all of these things could have happened any other way. 

It had to be like this. 

I asked God to guide me through this and to show me the right path. So now I will trust that he has. Last night, someone I know in a similar situation to me, told me that she had not been reaccepted. This was before I found out myself. I found myself sending her a message that I needed to be reminded of myself:

“We must just keep believing that God’s plan is best for us. Even though we don’t understand why things happen in the ways that they do. Give yourself some time to recover. You are so much stronger because you have held on for so long. Do not doubt this. It has been difficult to keep going after the defeats that we have been through. But you have never given up. Remember that."

I believe this with all my heart.

My mentor has been one of the greatest support systems over the past few years. She says that she feels a bit relieved for me, because she has seen how difficult things have been. She believes that even though I do have the ability to make a great doctor, the reason I have struggled for so long is because my heart just has not been happy. It has been depressed. It has not been restrained for the longest time. I felt stuck, going nowhere.

And I have seen the damage.

So, she suggests that I take the next 6 months off. A gap year of sorts, and take some time to heal and rediscover what truly brings me joy. I have lost my identity over the last couple of years. 

I know that my life is not going to be easy, but it doesn’t have to be a constant battle. God has called me back home for a reason. It is time to embrace this decision and make the most of my time by enjoying life and finding some excitement.

I don’t know how my life is going to unfold. But I now have the freedom to reconnect with God and listen to His voice. I will follow where He guides me. 

Letting go

"Elastic Heart"

And another one bites the dust
Oh why can I not conquer love
And I might have thought that we were one
Wanted to fight this war without weapons

And I wanted it, I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah let's be clear, I'll trust no one

You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
Cause I've got an elastic heart

I've got an elastic heart
Yeah I've got an elastic heart

And I will stay up through the night
Let's be clear, won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I'll walk through fire to save my life

And I want it, I want my life so bad

I'm doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It's hard to lose a chosen one

You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
Cause I've got an elastic heart

I've got an elastic heart

- SIA (feat. The Weeknd & Diplo)

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

I didn’t get reaccepted.

I can no longer continue studying medicine. 

One minute my life is all set up; my path, riddled with obstacles, but still laid out ahead. The next minute, my world has been completely shattered. The one thing that has defined me for the past 5 years has been taken a way. 

Who am I, if not a medical student? 

I am devastated. Failure is one thing to deal with, but rejection is something completely different. The realization that this is no longer where I belong feels unreal. 

Saturday, 25 January 2014

Quote: God gives you the people you need...

Emotions running wild

I sometimes wish that I could record the conversations that I have with my middle  sister. She tells me things that I need to hear, no matter how difficult it is.

My emotions are currently all over the place. I guess that it has to do with all the stress that I've been under lately, and I have not been dealing with them appropriately.

I need space away from *F. As much as I don’t want to hurt him, I am allowing him to hurt me. We had a fight the other night about his ex-girlfriend who is now “one of his closest friends”. He told her some things about our relationship that I feel are none of her business. But he says that he owed it to her to explain everything. It makes me angry because I feel that she has no right to know intimate details about us.

The whole thing left me wondering if there are still feelings shared between them. Can I truly trust that he is being completely honest when he tells me that there isn't anything there? Why else would she be jealous? It doesn't make sense to me. 

As much as she is his best friend now, they have still shared a lot together. A lot more than he and I ever will. I think that this is what makes me upset the most. But I, apparently, have no right to feel this way either.  

So this is why I really need to stop the delusions that I have going on in my head.  And the best way I know how, is to stop sharing my life with him. I need to draw some boundaries in my life and start taking care of myself first. I can’t allow emotions to determine all decisions I make.

There are so many other things that I have to focus on now. I need to let my brain take control and start looking after my heart.

I need to be stronger and pull myself together; build myself up. it is time to take control of this situation.

It is time to move on with my life. 

On Monday, I will find out whether or not I can continue studying medicine. Whatever they decide, my life will have to change.

No more dwelling on things that I have no control over. 

Friday, 24 January 2014

Hazy sensations

My subconscious mind knows more than I can ever consciously comprehend.

I attract people I can relate to -
In an endless search for a connection.
I need to know that I am not alone.

Drawing close to someone in the same position as me.
Another heart desperately seeking comfort.
Dealing with uncertain emotions.

I hide behind these feelings.
In this way, I avoid facing my troubles.

For a moment, his touch takes away the pain.
Or at least he helps me forget,
even if for just a little while,
I can lose myself to this hazy sensation.

It is unreal -
A disconnection from reality
He provides the perfect distraction.
He is already running.
My mind fools my heart into believing
There is nothing to fear if he is unavailable. 

Thursday, 23 January 2014


I’m not your usual you see
I don’t take things for granted
life is no coincidence
it’s what you make it

When we go under
we don’t stay down
we come up
it’s a crazy world
you better keep your spirits up

When we go under
we don’t stay down
we come up
it’s a crazy world
you better keep your spirits up

So just breathe and exhale
just breathe and exhale
breathe and exhale
just breathe and exhale

you can choose to run off
or roll down the hill
my trains of thoughts loose me
I’m on some real shit here

dreams are reality
realities are make believe
dreams are reality
realities are make believe

When we go under
we don’t stay down
we come up
it’s a crazy world
you better keep your spirits up

when we go under
we don’t stay down
we come up
it’s a crazy world
you better keep your spirits up

Spirits up
spirits up

So just breathe and exhale
just breathe and exhale
breathe and exhale
breathe and exhale
- A.O.S.O.O.N
(Alot of something out of nothing)

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead

I had a meeting with my mentor again today. 

She asked me if I could honestly tell her that I still wanted to study medicine.  This is not the first time that we have spoken about this and she is not the first person to ask. Every other time I just give my default answer – Yes, without thinking about it. Because saying no would warrant an explanation.  an explanation that I don’t have yet; one that I am afraid of.

However, this time, I realised that I couldn't answer her. Instead, with tears running down my face, I told her that I don’t know any more. For the first time, I allowed myself to feel the uncertainty, without blocking it out. I have started facing my true feelings about being here, in a place that has just made me the unhappiest I have ever been.

I feel as if I’m just rolling with the punches and just submitting to this beating that life has been dishing out.

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead. But is it really? It hurts. It hurts so much that I've learnt how to dull the pain. To give up all feeling. There comes a point when you start to run out of tears from all the crying. You realise that crying makes you feel miserable and it doesn't fix anything.

I am so scared of making a decision about whether I should stay or go that I have given it up to the university to decide my fate.

What happens if they tell me that I can continue my studies? Will I be happy? And what if they tell me that I can no longer study here? Will I feel relieved? Will that make me happier?

I guess this leaves it up to me to really think about what will make me happy. 

I don’t know what I will do if I leave this place but I also don’t know what will change if I stay. This is the uncertainty that I am struggling with. I don’t know what I’m meant to do with my life anymore. I used to be so certain about all of this.  

If I quit, I feel as if I will never get a degree or have a career. I will have nothing to account for the past 5 years of my life. But if I continue, how will I get through another year without further ruining my life by making very bad decisions?

I’m still trying to figure out why certain things have happened. My poor heart has taken such a beating already. It’s almost as if I have given up a little of my faith.  I think that I feel nothing because otherwise I would break completely. It seems that everything is spinning out of control. Fast. This feeling of hopelessness is turning into destruction.

Every day in class I look around at all these people that I barely know. All of them seemingly doing well. Do they see the failure that fills my heart? that I can’t seem to escape from? And every time I try to study, it’s like I don’t know what I should be doing. 

I just don’t know how to make this work.                                                                       

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

In my dreams you come alive...

Every night I go to sleep,
Thinking of all the things that we could never be.

I crave you in every way.
In my dreams you come alive, it almost feels too real.
I wish that every touch, every embrace and every kiss could last forever.

But then the sun rises and my alarm clock rings.
I wake with a sense of loss.
I am no longer in your arms.
You are so far away.

Dreaming of you only frustrates me.
It just leaves me feeling lonely and mad at the same time.
I am stuck reliving our last moment together.

I can’t won't do this anymore,
I know that we can never be together.
So, I need to let you go.
In a way we both knew that this has been doomed right from the start.

I need to figure out a way to keep our friendship unscathed.
I need to stop myself from falling in love with you.
I need to stop wanting you so completely.

I need to get these ideas out of my mind.
And I need to extinguish all hope in my mind of us ever being together.

Otherwise, I will never move on.

All this time I have been fooling myself into thinking that what we have could ever be real.

Kiss Me

Settle down with me
Cover me up
Cuddle me in
Lie down with me
And hold me in your arms

And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck
I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet
And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now.

- Ed Sheeran

Monday, 20 January 2014

Give me love

Give me love like never before,
'Cause lately I've been craving more,
And it's been a while but I still feel the same,
Maybe I should let you go.
- Ed Sheeran


I told F everything. To say that he was shocked is an understatement. I don’t know why, but he handled it amazingly. And he said that it hasn’t changed the way that he feels about me, but trusts me more now that I was honest and confided in him.  

Honestly, I was too ashamed to tell him. I was afraid that it would change his opinion of me.

But he still loves me.

I just can’t begin to explain how much this means to me. Losing him would have been one of the hardest things to deal with, on top of everything else. This complicated, twisted, unrealistic relationship that we have is just too precious to me. He accepts me, totally and completely. Our friendship always comes first, before all the other mixed up emotions.

I don’t know what could possibly come from holding on to these other feelings that I have for him, but I just don’t feel ready to let go. I know that it is never going to get any easier, and I have to accept that he is not coming back. The hardest thing to deal with is the thought of us never having a future together.

I really wish that things were different. That I had fallen for him sooner, or realised it when he told me how he felt about me last year.

But at the same time, I know that we are currently both where we need to be. The best place for him is at home. And I am probably not in the best position to be concerned with romantic feelings when my future is still hanging in the balance.

How do I move forward from here?  Do we just keep going this way until the feelings fizzle out??  Until we meet someone new?

This is just going to hurt.

I just need to move on with my life. Focus on my studies. Heal this heart that has taken a beating over the past couple of weeks especially.

If something is meant to be, then it will be – one way or another.

Sunday, 19 January 2014


I will not allow myself to be defined according to my mistakes. 
I will no longer dwell on what happened. 
I cannot change it. 
But I also know that I cannot hide.
I give it all up to God, for His mercy is enough.
His grace and love will heal my broken heart. 

Saturday, 18 January 2014

My heart is breaking, and yet it doesn't make a sound..

In one moment, I gave myself away.
I would give anything to go back and change that night.
But I can’t undo what has been done.  
I have to live with this for the rest of my life.
I have to come to terms with it.
I always imagined that my very first time would be special. Like something out of the movies... Like fairy tale...
I promised to hold on until I found the one with whom I would spend the rest of my life. And I was so determined to guard myself; never give in to temptation.  I knew what my boundaries were and I stood firmly for what I believed in.
I still can't believe that it happened. A blurry haze of something I wish to forever forget. Maybe if I try hard enough, eventually I will. But I guess there is a lesson to be learnt here.
Surely I should feel something, right? But there is nothing here. 
My heart is breaking, and yet it doesn't make a sound.
I'm just still trying to figure it all out.

Black and White Adele sad hurt crying cry black and white gif Kate Bush This Woman's Work

Friday, 17 January 2014

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind" PART 2

Thanks to Mary at Secret Obsession Blog, I was inspired to start this challenge as well.

The original post is by Marc Chernoff at Marc and Angel Hack Life. Check out their blog for the full list of questions.

I think that this is a great way to broaden one's mind and think about things that don't naturally occur to us. Some of these questions are a bit abstract, and it is up to you how to interpret them. I had some fun answering this first set, and I'm happy to share them with you.

<<<< PART 1

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I don’t believe that I would do anything differently. I’d still decide to study medicine.

But I would be seriously considering marriage and starting a family now. Although I’m not really sure how much choice I’d have in the matter.

Maybe I’d be a lot more outgoing and start living my life instead of waiting to get everything in order first. I think that I’d be more straight forward and time would be much more valuable; every second wasted would be sorely missed. I wouldn’t be sitting around in my room, bored, on such a beautiful summer’s day. Sigh.

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

We all have different values and priorities in life.
No two people are ever truly the same.
Some people love winter and snow and rain.
Others love the summer, sunshine and the beach.
Some people prefer to live simple lives, others prefer glamour.
It depends on our personalities and the desires in our heart.

“Different strokes for different folks!”

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

One thing that I really want to do is travel the world. I want to experience life in different places and appreciate different cultures of the world in their truest form.

Right now, the things holding me back would be a lack of finances and my studies that have taken over my life. Also, I'm slightly afraid to go venturing off in to the unknown all by myself…

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?


I’m holding on to things from my past - failure, disappointment, and the person that I used to be. I still struggle to understand why.
I also hold on to relationships that are best left alone.
I hold on to this idea of what a perfect life should be like.

What are you most grateful for?

I am grateful that I am truly and deeply loved, and that I have experienced love for others.

I have a family that has supported me through all of the challenges I have faced. We may not always get along, and we have our fair share of problems, but we have never given up on each other.

My friends have added so much joy to my life over the past years. We have shared great memories that I will cherish forever.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

This is a tough one. If I am completely honest, there are a few memories that I would really LOVE to get rid of... like those embarrassing moments that make me just cringe thinking about… But I also have some great and epic memories that I would never want to forget.

On the other hand, the thought of never making any new ones is very daunting. If I can’t make any new memories, I think that I would get stuck living in the past; reliving moments that brought me most joy.

Losing all my old memories, would give me a completely blank slate. I would have no other choice but to move forward and experience life all over again and start making new ones.

Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

I think that it is possible – but it depends on the source of the information. If you completely trust someone, or if the source is accredited, then there would be no reason to challenge it.

However, I think that you also have to trust your gut and if something just doesn’t feel right, then it is important for you to dig a little deeper.

Has your greatest fear ever come true?

No. My greatest fear would be to lose my family. And I thank God, every second of every day that this has not happened.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Yes. Almost every day has been feeling the same; especially when I’m stuck on campus just going to class every day, with not very much to look forward to. I felt this way too often last year.

But now it’s time to change. I want to be able to look back at this year and be proud that I have accomplished my goals, and experienced life differently.

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

No, those things don’t matter to me. I would never trade in time that I could spend exploring the wonders of this world. Love and true joy can never be bought.

>>>> Part 3
Feel free to let me know what you think!
Also, check out the links above.


Thursday, 16 January 2014

Today is the day!

We can’t hide away from the world forever.
At a certain point, when ready,
we have to face the challenges that lie ahead of us.
Put on a brave face.
Hold our heads up high, and trudge forward!

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

"The Sun" Poem

have you ever seen
in your life
more wonderful
than the way the sun,
every evening,
relaxed and easy,
floats toward the horizon
and into the clouds or the hills,
or the rumpled sea,
and is gone—
and how it slides again
out of the blackness,
every morning,
on the other side of the world,
like a red flower
streaming upward on its heavenly oils,
say, on a morning in early summer,
at its perfect imperial distance—
and have you ever felt for anything
such wild love—
do you think there is anywhere, in any language,
a word billowing enough
for the pleasure
that fills you,
as the sun
reaches out,
as it warms you
as you stand there,
or have you too
turned from this world—
or have you too
gone crazy
for power,
for things?
— Mary Oliver,
Found this poem on Capturing Life Blog

Monday, 13 January 2014


There is nothing quite like pouring you heart out to someone;
Removing the masks that hide your true form;
Completely vulnerable.
Yes, it’s scary.
But sometimes,
it truly is worth it.

Thursday, 9 January 2014

"50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind" PART 1

Thanks to Mary at Secret Obsession Blog, I was inspired to start this challenge as well.

The original post is by Marc Chernoff at Marc and Angel Hack Life. Check out their blog for the full list of questions.

I think that this is a great way to broaden one's mind and think about things that don't naturally occur to us. Some of these questions are a bit abstract, and it is up to you how to interpret them. I had some fun answering this first set, and I'm happy to share them with you.

Feeling Free

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Currently, I am 23 years old. I have never really felt my real age; except maybe when I turned 18 and became a legal eagle. Since then, I have been trapped in the life of a 20 year old student. Most people my age are starting their lives. They've graduated, are in serious relationships, and some are even starting their families. I, on the other hand, am still a struggling student, and still very much dependent on her parents, even though I don’t live with them anymore.

Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Regret is one of the toughest things to live with. And if you are a chronic over thinker like I am, then the “what if’s” would surely drive you insane. So as much as failure hurts, I believe that it is the lesser of the two evils. 

From failure comes growth and wisdom. You learn ways in which things don’t work, so the next time you give it a shot you may find yourself closer to figuring it out. You also learn a lot about yourself in the process. You learn that you are tougher than you give yourself credit for. You discover the true meaning of that specific task, or venture, and your priorities become so much clearer.

“You’re failure is only a waste of time if you learn nothing from the experience.”
If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

I think that these days there is so much pressure placed on us to make a decent life for ourselves and future families. We have to work hard to make a living. And this is seldom an easy undertaking. Sometimes, we don’t get to do what we truly want to because it just wouldn’t pay the bills on time. We get so lost running this rat race that we forget to live. We put aside the things we love and just get on with what needs to be done.

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

 “Actions speak louder than words.”
It is my greatest hope that I will have done more than I've said. I want to have truly made a difference, in whatever small way, instead of just having only spoken of these elaborate plans without pursuing them.

Lately though, I feel that there are a lot of actions left undone. I think that this is why optimism has been so difficult for me over the past year. Inspirational words, quotes and words of wisdom that used to really mean something to me, suddenly just started to be simple words, struggling to instil positivity; they had lost their meaning.
However, I have come to realise that it is only up to me to get things done; and optimism is more than words perfectly put together. These words help to nurture hope inside our hearts’. Without hope, we would feel as if we have nothing to hold on to when days seem to go dark.
What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Love. We don’t have nearly enough of it for our neighbours.

Without love,
There is no respect for our fellow human beings.
Violence and cruelty headline newspapers.
Innocence is lost.
Loneliness fills the heart of the people we see every day, but silently walk past unaware.

With love,
We take care of one another.
There is no selfishness.
There would be no corruption, poverty and everyone would have a home.
We wouldn’t live with the fear of being harmed.
There would be no need for civil wars or political uproars fuelled by greed.
Everyone is safe.
Everyone would live in peace and harmony, together.

This is what I would change if given the chance; I would instil true love into each and every person.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

At this stage in my life, I would have to say that I am not exactly doing what I believe in, but this is important because it will eventually put me in the right position to have that freedom.

I need to go through the motions of studying, graduating as a doctor, being an intern and doing general medicine for the required time before I can go into a specific area of medicine.

So, yes, right now I am settling for what I am doing. And I’m trying my best to get through it as unscathed as possible.

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Yes, I actually do push it more than once, depending on my current mood, and whether or not I’m in a hurry. But no, I don’t believe that it will make the elevator move any faster. I think that it's just my way of making sure that the elevator and I are on the same page, and that it got the message! J

Why are you, you?
I am me, because of the sacrifices my parents have made to give me, and my sisters, the life that they have always dreamed of.
I am me, because I have been taught lessons that have been hard to learn, but that have showed me the true value of love. I have been raised with compassion, and respect for people from all walks of life.
I am me, because I believe that God has made me for a specific purpose. I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason, even though it may be difficult to understand.
I am me, because I am truly and deeply loved.
Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
Ye, I believe that I have been. I am open and honest and I truly care about those closest to me. I won’t always know the right things to say, and I might be a little crazy and stubborn but I will never intentionally cause you any harm.
I will always be here if you ever you needed a shoulder to cry on, and will never turn you away. I will fight for you, if you are willing to do the same. 

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

Losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you. Sometimes, relationships take a little effort. It is up to both of you to make it work, even if it simply means a message every now and again, checking how things are going.

When a good friend moves away, it does not mean that the relationship needs to end. It simply means that you might not see each other as often as before. We are living in a world where technology is literally at our fingertips. It is up to both of you to not give up on each other.
Feel free to let me know what you think!
Also, check out the links above.