Starting over

 For the longest time, I have been contemplating how to get back into blogging again. I love the site that I created way back in 2011 because it holds so many memories and sentimental pieces. I'm filled with nostalgia looking through it. Seeing my words on the screen takes me back to those times and reminds me of the young woman that was making sense of the world and seeking connection. Back then, my blog was anonymous and I didn't share it with anyone in my life. I was afraid of appearing vulnerable with my honesty and felt anxious about being criticized and judged. I also felt that it would be too revealing and I would feel limited to post freely. 

I feel anxious a lot of the time. Over the past few years, especially, I have been working through it and challenging myself to overcome the fear. Now I am realizing that maybe the fear and anxiousness will always be there to some extent, but that doesn't need to put me off the task. I'm working on recognizing the fear and doing it anyway. I'm also constantly reminding myself that there isn't one "right" way to do something and that perfection doesn't exist.

So while I figure out the right next step, I will be brave and be open to all possibilities. 

Please feel free to say hi or leave a comment! :)

Unhinged

Things get crazy and i feel I’m losing my mind

I don’t know what to do

I’m going insane and I really don’t know why

There’s only one thing to do

I’m floating through the night on a red eye

I can’t understand, I don’t understand it

The visions in my head

I just can’t make sense of it

I can never run 

There’s no use for it baby

Red Eye - Haim ft Kid Cudi

I wish that i had someone to really talk to. not just the shallow "how are you" but a sharing of deep meaningful words that span across our hears and bridge our souls together.

I’m not looking for love. love is too complicated. i simply want to lay my words out bare, vulnerable, and not care what you think of me or my world. 

i just want you to hear me. no more pretending. no more illusions that i am ok.

Because, the truth is, even though nothing appears out of order, my world has come unhinged.  and i need you to help me balance it again.

Update! Spilling it all out

I have these periods of a sort of writer’s block, where I just don't feel like putting any of my thoughts down on paper, or sending them out into the World Wide Web. From time to time, I’ll tell myself that I should probably write something, anything, but then after a few seconds I’d just be like “Meh, I really don't want to” and that would be that. But then a couple days or so later, I’ll just sit down and slowly ease the words out, and soon it would be like I had never stopped. 

The most sense that I can make out of it all, is that sometimes I feel as if my thoughts will be too much to deal with, so they are better left hidden in the maze of my mind. I know this isn't true, however, because I always feel better spilling it all out. But I guess my mind isn't the most rational, even at the best of times.

Any one that has read this blog consistently (shout out if that’s you! J) would know that my writing is all over the place. Like a never ending, constantly moving, roller coaster ride. My emotions go up and down without the slightest warning.

So lately I've been struggling to decide what I want to do with the rest of this year, and next year, and for the rest of my life. I've been searching for my purpose. Something that was once so clear to me is now the biggest mystery.

I've been trying to figure out what will make me happy, but all I have discovered so far is that happiness is elusive and it is starting to feel like an illusion. And yet, I am determined not to give up on it. I'm still trying to allow my mind to open up to the possibilities. 

But I am scared too. I keep falling into the same trap, thinking that something is impossible without giving it a fair shot. 

So far, two options have elicited some interest in me. But I am so apprehensive about both. In a perfect world, I’d be able to do both of these things simply and easily and everything will be great. But instead of seeing the world as black and white, I tend to see too many shades of grey. And in these grey areas are an endless number of things that could go wrong. 

My mentor has been encouraging me to explore all options fully, and not simply let them go because of my preconceived misconceptions. So, this is what I have been doing. It has been a slow process. I will post more about my options soon.  J

Hazy sensations

My subconscious mind knows more than I can ever consciously comprehend.

I attract people I can relate to -

In an endless search for a connection.

I need to know that I am not alone.

Drawing close to someone in the same position as me.

Another heart desperately seeking comfort.

Dealing with uncertain emotions.

I hide behind these feelings.

In this way, I avoid facing my troubles.

For a moment, his touch takes away the pain.

Or at least he helps me forget,

even if for just a little while,

I can lose myself to this hazy sensation.

It is unreal -

A disconnection from reality

He provides the perfect distraction.

He is already running.

My mind fools my heart into believing

There is nothing to fear if he is unavailable. 
-N.M-

Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Why is it that when things are going well, I can’t help thinking that it is just about time for everything to come crashing down again? It sometimes seems as if happiness isn't meant to last forever; or as if I don't deserve it. Why is it that impending failure is much easier to believe than the prospect of success?

In the dead of the night

In the dead of the night,

when the moon is high and the stars shine bright,

what plagues your mind?

Is it peaceful thoughts?

Or confrontations and unanswered questions ringing out loud?

For me, all these emotions start to appear.

Fears and anxieties buried deep down

Come to the surface and fight for control.

They keep me awake.

Until the darkest hour, there is no escape.

My mind is not mine alone.

All these voices,

They tell me different things -

All my insecurities and greatest concerns are exposed before me.

I feel ashamed, disappointed and worthless.

But I know that it is not all my fault.

Some things are beyond my reach.

I cannot change what was, but I can change what may be.

I can choose to fight to regain the power that has vanished within me.

So, I still my mind and take a deep breath in and slowly let it out.

Nothing is lost that can be found once again. ©
-N.M-

All this waiting and thinking...

Some days I am full of energy and all I want is to run around like a crazy person, just expressing all the joy that I feel in my heart.

Other days I feel so down, and as if the wind has just been knocked out of my lungs. There is no energy and I feel weak, drained from all the thoughts constantly playing on repeat in my mind.

Maybe I think too much... waiting for the perfect words to say, the perfect phrase or something clever and witty. And it is exhausting – all this waiting and thinking. Why not just live? Just let whatever happens, happen. Let all the anxiety of imperfection take control and realise that not everything can be molded and impeccable. We all have flaws. Sometimes that is where the beauty lies. How else would we all be different and unique?