Just not ready

I went to see a career assessment counselor a couple of days ago, with the hope that she might give me some more options to explore. But that’s not how the meeting went down. During our conversation, I realised that this counselor was the same person that speaks to my sister. So, even though I’m sure she meant well, she had a preconceived idea of who I was, and I think she was a little biased with her advice.

Honestly, she didn’t really offer the help that I was looking for. Basically, we spoke about my values and priorities, when it comes to choosing a career. I told her what I was thinking about doing, and then she proceeded to try and convince me to not give up on medicine, and to give it another chance. She said that medicine was the only thing that would encompass everything that I was looking for. She suggested I try another university and not think of this as a complete failure.

I understand where she is coming from, and her intentions were probably good, but she just didn’t understand me. I didn’t just give up on medicine. I tried. For 5 years I tried to make it work. But I just don’t have it in me anymore - not right now. I’m still terrified of being a doctor, and of everything that I will have to deal with in that field.

Being scared may not be a good reason for some people, but it is for me. I still have some growing up to do before I can even think of going back there. I don’t want to spend the next 10 years of my life struggling and feeling miserable. Even if it may be worth it one day, I’m not sure whether I am willing to pay the price for all of that…

Life is too short to wait for something that may never turn out the way you hoped it would.

Simply free to be...

Should I be freaking out about not having a future career right now?

Probably.
But, I am not.
That is OK, right?

I feel an odd sense of calm. I wake up every morning easily, after a peaceful night’s sleep. I don’t feel forced to do anything. I am not pressed for time. Just free to simply be. This is strange though, because for once, there is no guilt. For once I am not feeling helpless. There is a little flicker of hope growing in my heart.

For the last couple of days I have filled each minute with writing, updating my blog, listening to music and helping out around the house. I enjoy taking care of my family.

Yes, it is still weird not having a definite direction. But I think that for now I have to come to terms with it. I will start looking for something to do. Something light and fun. And I will start trying to do the things that I have never found the time to do before.

  

I am hesitant to start looking at my future options. I saw a new psychologist today. The session was basically filled with me telling her about everything that has led me to my current situation. She wanted me to fully realise that everything I have been through is quite a lot for a 23 year old to have had to deal with. And she thinks that I have been handling it all very well. I felt strong telling her everything. I was not sad or tearful. I am proud of how far I have come. I am proud of the resilience that I have built up over the past few years.

Therapy is still so strange for me. I am not sure whether to see her again or not. What more can we speak about? But a follow up session probably will be a good idea. I am afraid that I will start avoiding stuff and go back down that dark road again. I still haven't told people here at home that I am back. It's difficult because we haven't really kept in contact over the past 5 years. J* is the only person that I have made effort to see whenever I come home. But even this relationship is not what it once was. I know that I should tell her soon. I can't hide at home forever. 

Writing helps. Getting lost in my thoughts and putting them all down on paper. I can release the emotions. Set them free so that they have no power over me. I can me in control of the narrative, but I can also just simply let the words lead me to conclusions still to be realised.