Today was our second session of the Lifeline course and it was pretty eye-opening. We spoke a little bit about trust and then went deeper into exploring the different masks that we each wear on a daily basis to cope with various situations in our lives. Masks can be a good or a bad thing, depending on whether you use it for your benefit, or to hide your feelings and emotions. Some people need to wear many masks while others don’t feel the need to wear any. But there is usually a cost involved, as it may affect your relationships and/or cause you to isolate yourself.
I hide behind smiles and laughter, when the truth is that I don’t truly know how to be happy and content with my life. I wear my mask to create a barrier between myself and others. I have a couple close relationships but I’ve realised that I still keep my guard up, not fully disclosing everything; keeping my real feelings and emotions hidden.
I’m afraid of being vulnerable and exposed because I don’t want to give anyone the chance to hurt me again. From my past experiences I think I have started to believe that most relationships don’t last. So I don’t want to be put into a position in which someone will have the upper hand if our relationship goes bad - for whatever reason.
I know that this is not a good way to think about relationships. I want to be more open about my true feelings and let people in. I think that my problem is that I don’t know how people will react or respond to all my overwhelming emotions. I mean, what do I expect them to say? What if I over-share and it changes their opinion of me in some way?
Maybe I am also afraid of being judged by the things that hurt me the most. I don’t want people to pity me, or my family and all that we have been through. I don’t want to appear weak. This is one of my greatest struggles right now.