Half life

“Don’t call it a life, this half-hearted wandering through all of your days.”- Tyler Knott Gregson

I’m tired of this half-life that I have been living the past couple of days especially. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. It’s difficult for me to say this out loud, but I can’t help hating everything about my life, and I can’t see any way forward. I hate that I am living under this dark cloud of negativity, and I feel no motivation or drive to change anything.  I feel hopeless.

I almost ran into my ex, Guji, the other day. This city is way too small.  My friends and I were standing right behind him and his girlfriend. The second that I realised it was them, I turned right around and half ran to a safe distance away, dragging everyone with me. It was a gut reaction; my heart was beating so fast I didn’t have a chance to think it through. It was awful. I feel completely unequipped to deal with my life right now.

Is it too much to ask that my life be simple and easy? That is what this year was supposed to be about, fixing things and finding happiness, but I can barely get through a day without feeling drained and miserable.

I want to run. To run far, far away but I’m just too scared. I’m tired of having these same issues and of using the same excuses to avoid dealing with things. My heart is broken. I feel so completely broken, and I don’t know how to fix any of it.