Saturday, 30 November 2013

I think I ruined my heart

As I sit here, trying to draw up a study schedule and get everything in order, I'm overwhelmed by a wave of tiredness that sweeps over me. I'm consumed by all this negative energy that is trapped within me. I feel slightly weak, heavy and weighed down, barely able to breathe freely.

I need a real plan. One that will overcome all the obstacles I see ahead of myself.

I need help.

It’s like this past year has been a really bad dream. As if at any moment now I will wake up and start living my real life. This doesn't feel real. This isn't how my life is supposed run. This isn't who I’m supposed to be. The past is a blur of nothingness. Time passed unnoticed, while I was staring into space, slowly losing touch of myself.

Once again I am confronted by my own inadequacy. Failure feels like a cloud that constantly looms over head, everywhere I go, waiting to explode.

I think I ruined my heart. I closed it off. Forbid it to feel anything. Forbid it from feeling pain. And now it has changed and I no longer feel. Happiness is fleeting. Love is an emotion that seems foreign in practice. I still remember the theory of it all, but it just feels implausible.

How is it possible that I didn't see all this coming? How is it that I couldn't prevent myself from falling into this very wide ditch again?

All the signs were there. It’s not as if I didn't recognise the landmarks. I've been here before. So why did I just keep lurching forward blindly, throwing caution to the wind?

It’s almost as if I destined myself to fail. Lost all hope and gave in to the voices that said I was not good enough.

I know it’s not true. I just wish that someone would tell that to my mind and help me fix my heart again. 

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