So, for the past couple of days I have been trying to get my studying in order. I set up a little study area in my room... started filing away some notes... made a list of things I need to know... and tried planning my week. But then when I needed to actually start studying, I didn't know where to begin. I cant help having this feeling of hopelessness looming over my head.. which takes me straight back to where I was last year - with the fear of failing or of not being good enough.
I don’t know why I keep going back to that dark place. Even though I know that NOTHING is the same and that I have come a long way. And I do see the small improvement in my marks. So what’s still holding me back??
I keep finding my mind drifting off into nothingness... or I start doing something random, like checking my emails, or searching the internet for who knows what... my mentor seems to think that this may be a way of self-sabotaging myself. A bit drastic - I know, but it somehow does make sense. But why? Am I afraid of being a doctor one day? Do I not believe that I am good enough? Do I even want to do this?
I hate feeling like this. I sometimes just wish that I could wake up one day with a determined mind and just sit down and study.... I'd be confident that I am using my skills efficiently and taking in all this wonderful knowledge. Oh how wonderful that would be! I know its probably not as difficult as I m think it is, but I just don't know how to get that mindset.
Sigh, well tomorrow is another day...