Friday, 21 September 2012

Dancing the night away

Last night I went to a campus party and had a awesome time hanging out with lotsa fun people and dancing to great music. My close friends decided not to come, at first, but I found some other friends to hang out with. It was good to just do what I wanted to do. I liked being able to go up to the guys that I knew and dance with them a little. I didn't feel invisible or awkward and I didn't feel like a loser if I was jamming on my own for a little while. Two of my besties did eventually come through and I ended the night with them.

There were a few guys that I noticed throughout the night but I wasn't really trying to get their attention or anything. But towards the end of the night, I was dancing with a friend from class (let’s call him Dissection guy), and I noticed him getting a whole lot closer. It was funny because I can be so uncoordinated sometimes, in really close proximity, with guys for the first time. But at the time I didn't think anything of it. I tried to keep things a little distant and chilled but eventually let him get closer and closer.  The next thing I knew, he pulled in to me and we kissed. I realize now that I actually really wanted to - and it was great. I felt those nervous butterflies, that I've been missing, especially when he pulled me in the second time... 

And all too soon we pulled apart. I think we both came to our senses. To be honest, we were far from discreet and I can’t be too certain of his sobriety level… 

After he left I saw him, from a distance, outside a couple of times, but he didn't come back and we left it just there. 

Now the problem is that I think he has a girlfriend. OK, no, I’m fairly certain that he does.  So it meant nothing. And it can’t mean anything.  

This is exactly why I previously decided that I wouldn't let such things happen randomly at parties again.  But at the same time, it felt good to just live in the moment. I think that I might like him a little. This isn't really the first time that I've thought about him in that way...

But I know that I am still not ready for an actual relationship. There are so many things that I still have to deal with, like the way that I think of myself - the “boxes” that I put myself into.  But that is a story for another day.

On the upside, I got up bright and early for class today, despite being out for most of the night. J

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