Thursday, 6 February 2014

All this uncertainty is going to drive me crazy

There is only so much positivity that I can handle. I tried looking at prospective future options. It sucked the life right out of my soul. There is this nagging voice at the back of my mind blaming me for not being able to make medical school work. Was it really that terrible?? Denial is a fucking good place to live, granted you just go about your business and make everything work out in the end. But that clearly wasn’t the case for me. I’m suddenly feeling so much anger. I can’t deal with these mixed emotions. I honestly feel strong one minute, and then the smallest thing happens and I end up here, having a minor melt down. 

Sometimes I think that if I pretend hard enough, eventually I will really start to be OK. But will I ever really be happy? One of my biggest fears is never figuring out where I belong and just being average for the rest of my life. 

I worry about what people are going to think and say about me being a dropout of sorts. I know that I shouldn't care but I do.  Will they say that they always knew that I wasn't cut out to be a doctor?? Will they say that I didn't have what it takes to be successful? Is that what I'm telling myself? 

Yes, those words have been filling my mind for the past couple of years. But on some level I always believed that medicine was what I was meant to be doing. I always believed that I would be a good doctor one day. I just couldn't see how I would get there. Was that the problem? 

I wish that I had all the answers now. I wish that I didn't have to go through any of this at all.  

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