The other night I spoke to F on the phone for over two hours. It’s almost ridiculous how happy it made me. I couldn’t stop smiling. I loved hearing his voice and hearing him laugh. He’s so far out of reach and I miss him so much. I miss the conversations we used to have in my room over coffee. I miss his great big bear hugs whenever we ran into each other around campus.
The last time I mentioned him in a post, I spoke about trying to set some boundaries in our relationship and that I needed some space. So, I told him exactly how I felt, and that it was getting too much for me to keep our relationship where it was and still try to let go of the feelings I had for him. But he just wouldn’t hear any of it. He wouldn’t let me pull away.
At first I was just so annoyed. He was refusing to accept what I thought would be best for me. But now I’m actually glad that he didn’t listen. As much as I hate to admit this, I needed him. He was one of the few people that truly understood what I was going through.
He didn’t let me push him away.
Once I was back home, I was starting to find it easier to not focus on my feelings for him. In a way, I thought that without all the other problems in my life, I would now be ready to let go of him; let go of that part of our relationship. We are friends above everything else, and he means a lot to me.
So our conversations continued. I tried to keep things strictly friendly. It was working. Mostly. And I was starting to accept that this could be enough.
Or at least, this is what I have been telling myself. But sometimes, I'm just not so sure.