Monday, 6 August 2012

Until the day these memories fade

How is it that one moment you could feel a love that is so enchanting and that lights up all the corners of your heart, and the next moment you notice that all those feelings have started to fade?  You begin to realise that sometimes, love is not enough. You discover things about each other that make your heart ache to its very core.

Even though distance separated us for most of our relationship, we still held on. I fell in love with you. And I know you loved me too. The miles between us meant nothing at all. The little time that we did spend together was amazing. We had so much fun. It was exciting and I loved everything about you, even your weird little quirks.

I miss the way you used to look at me. I could feel your love with every touch. Our cultural differences were almost non-existent when we were in our own world alone together.

But in real life, I was only a secret.

At first, I accepted it because I didn't think it was that big a deal. All that mattered was you and me. My family had no problem at all. We all welcomed you into our home. You became such an important part of my life. So I chose to believe that everything would be okay.

And for a long time, it was. We grew closer, even though distance separated us. We'd speak for hours over the phone... I loved hearing your voice. Not a day would pass without chatting to you, or knowing how you were. You became my best friend. I could tell you anything. And even if you playfully teased me, I knew you would never judge me. 

I guess that I always knew that you’d never tell your family about us. You didn’t pretend that you would. But I really wanted to believe that you'd change your mind eventually, and that you're love for me would overwhelm you and you'd no longer want to keep me a secret. So, I tried to pretend that it didn't matter, to forget all the problems we had and make everything better.

But there was no escaping the feelings I kept bottled up inside.

All those emotions and feelings of doubt really started to slowly escape until it erupted at the surface. And then came the realization that this relationship just wasn’t working anymore; it was hurting more than it should. It was time to face the truth. Suddenly one day when I was tired of fighting a losing battle all by myself, the words escape my lips, "It’s over. I can’t do this anymore." And just like that, a massive hole grew in my heart.

For many days that followed, I kept telling myself that this was the right thing to do. And now I truly do believe it. I deserve better.

I tried to be your friend at first - I still cared for you, but it hurt too much. It’s been over a year since I've seen your face. So much has happened in that time. My whole world has changed. I am a completely different person. Stronger, more independent and confident.

I still think about you from time to time. But I'm glad we're through. It wasn't meant to last forever. You'll always be my first love, but soon you'll just be a distant memory. And honestly, I really can't wait until that day.  

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