Starting over

 For the longest time, I have been contemplating how to get back into blogging again. I love the site that I created way back in 2011 because it holds so many memories and sentimental pieces. I'm filled with nostalgia looking through it. Seeing my words on the screen takes me back to those times and reminds me of the young woman that was making sense of the world and seeking connection. Back then, my blog was anonymous and I didn't share it with anyone in my life. I was afraid of appearing vulnerable with my honesty and felt anxious about being criticized and judged. I also felt that it would be too revealing and I would feel limited to post freely. 

I feel anxious a lot of the time. Over the past few years, especially, I have been working through it and challenging myself to overcome the fear. Now I am realizing that maybe the fear and anxiousness will always be there to some extent, but that doesn't need to put me off the task. I'm working on recognizing the fear and doing it anyway. I'm also constantly reminding myself that there isn't one "right" way to do something and that perfection doesn't exist.

So while I figure out the right next step, I will be brave and be open to all possibilities. 

Please feel free to say hi or leave a comment! :)

Day 6: What do I need less of?

Day 6: What do I need LESS of?

1) Atelophobia.

The fear of imperfection. 

The fear of never being good enough.

2) Self-doubt.

No more second-guessing who I am and what I am capable of achieving.

3)Insecurities .

4) Shame.

Living with shame only brings us down. 

Accept that the past happened.
Acknowledge mistakes and learn from them. 

Then - 
Let it go.

Move forward. 

5) Negativity.

Time to focus on the glass being half-FULL.  

***

Please feel free to say hi or leave a comment! :)

Follow the link in BohoBerry image to check out the details of this challenge.

Day 5: What do I need more of?

Day 5: What do I need more of?

1) Self love.

I need to value myself more.

Lately I’ve been trapped in this cycle of giving people what they want,

even though I know it hasn’t been good for me. 

I need to love all the parts of myself,

and be gentle with the parts that are struggling.

This also means understanding that there will be both good days and bad days;

things that come easily, and things that may take time.

I’ve learnt that loving myself is a choice

that I must make every single day.

2) Confidence.

In my abilities.

In who I am now and the woman I am becoming.

In my future – that the best is yet to come!

3) Faith.

Increasing and unconditional - for every situation or season. 

Isaiah 40:31

4) New Adventures.

For the first time in a few months I've been home bound - which has been good for me. But now I long for trying new things and making new discoveries.

Please feel free to say hi or leave a comment! :)

Follow the link in BohoBerry image to check out the details of this challenge.

It wasn't just a dream

Have you ever experienced something
so wonderful: -
so brief and fleeting;
all consuming,
that took up so much space in your mind and heart
and that was such a big deal in that moment?

But then when you think about it later;
a few hours,
a few days, 
a month,
or a year,

you wonder if it ever even happened at all?

Open Wounds

"Not everyone is okay with living like an open wound. But the thing about open wounds is that, well, you aren't ignoring it. You're healing; the fresh air can get to it. It's honest. You aren't hiding who you are. You aren't rotting. People can give you advice on how to heal without scarring badly. But on the other hand there are some people who'll feel uncomfortable around you. Some will even point and laugh. But we all have wounds." 

-Warsan Shire-

Fears and longing

My mentor shared this with me last month. It is a quote from Matt Licata:

“The fear of being abandoned. The shame in being rejected and not seen as you are. The terror of being alone. The anxiety of being dependent on another. The panic of unbearable vulnerability and exposure. The dread of the looming death of yourself and everyone around you. These are the great fears that come as you wake, as you fall asleep, and as you wander along the path of the heart. But, perhaps the greatest fear of all is the fear of being loved, the dissolving of the trance of unlove once and for all. For when you are truly loved, when you are entirely seen, when you are fully held, it is the end of your world as you know it. Life is always seeing you in this way. If you will allow this revelation in, you will never be the same again. You will no longer be able to pretend that you are other than radiant and whole as you are. You will watch in astonishment as the spell of unworthiness is dissolved in front of your very eyes.

While it may seem that this is what you are truly longing for, please consider the consequences of the death of this ancient dream. The game is over. Dare to see that you were never unhealed; that nothing is missing, and that you are fully alive, now. Not after you ‘heal your past’, find your soulmate, manifest a conscious job, get into a ‘high vibration’, or replace the burning with joy. Allow the dream of postponement to end, now. For you are here. You are present. Your raw heart is beating. Your senses are online. Allow the unlovable one, the unworthy one, the ‘broken’ one, and the ‘unhealed’ one to fall away into the soft, tender vastness that you are. To let in the implications of this is utterly exhilarating. And completely terrifying simultaneously. One world is ending so that the true world may appear from behind the clouds of separation. The world of love is here…..now.”

Vulnerability

"To be vulnerable is to be alive."

For the longest time I’ve been struggling to let people get close enough to see the parts of me that hurt, to see the parts that still feel broken and still need repairing. I have been reading Brene Brown’s work on wholehearted living, and have started to realise that it is only when we open up to others in this way that we can truly connect and be our truest selves.

In Daring Greatly, Brene discusses the results she obtained from different people when asked what vulnerability means to each one personally. I gave this some thought and wrote down everything that came to mind. No filtering or overthinking.

 For me vulnerability is:

Allowing someone to see the real me

Being loved

Taking risks

Standing in my truth

Making new friends

Maintaining friendships

Sharing my writing with others

Loving and caring for someone

Seeking connection

Exploring sexuality

Being sexy and attractive

Putting in effort

Being ambitious

Asking for help

This is quite a list but I have started making some progress into understanding and accepting it. Some things I find easier to do than others. Some days allowing myself to seek these things feels fine, and completely doable while other days I find it a bit more challenging. I often struggle to tell my friends that I am having a tough time, or that I am feeling stuck and not good enough. Most of the time I am worried about how they would respond to seeing this “weakness”. The mask that I wear most often is that everything is OK and that I have all my shit together. I want to be that person, but I kept falling short. 

I am learning more and more each day that vulnerability is the furthest thing from weakness. As Brene says, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.”

I remind myself that all we have to do is take one tiny step in the direction towards what we want and eventually, when we glance back, we’ll see how far we have come. This is what keeps me going. 

Love comes from within #Quote

#thingstoneverforget

2015 in Review

A list of the good stuff that I would like to take away from 2015 :) 

Better late than never!

1.       Started studying Psychology!

For the first time I can say that I finished this year on a very good note and achieved really great results. I enjoyed most of my modules this year and found the content very interesting. There were a few ups and downs along the way, but in the end I am happy with the way that this year went.

2.       Became a Peer Helper and got involved on campus

3.       Got my driver’s licence!

Passing my driver’s test in July 2015 changed my life for the better. It made life much easier for me and my family and allowed me to have more independence.

4.       Great conversations with my mentor.

My mentor is an amazing woman. I have mentioned her here and there in a few of my posts in the past. I am truly grateful for her continued support and encouragement of the past year. We have a monthly Skype session and she always makes an effort to fit me into her busy schedule.

5.       Met interesting new people and made a few great friends.

6.       Started facilitating at Revive and became part of the team.

7.       Started working at a bookstore. 

             My very first formal part-time employment. 

Looking forward to what this year has to offer!

Varsity countdown and Holiday Book Buys

It is exactly one more week until varsity starts and I will officially be a 2^nd year Psychology student! It feels good to say that. I am really looking forward to this year and am very excited to get back into the swing of things. 

I’ve been on holiday for nearly 10 weeks now; which is not something that I am used to! I spent most of my time working in December, and January. And as tiring and frustrating as it sometimes is, it has been a good thing. It has given me a chance to get out of the house, earn some of my own money, and meet new people. I’ve also had the opportunity to build my interpersonal skills and develop a good work ethic. Holiday jobs are definitely a great way to grow and learn more about yourself too. 

The upside of working in a bookstore is, of course, being around these wonderful and sometimes strange collections of words. And every now and again we are lucky enough to catch a good deal right when it lands!

But the on the other hand, the downside of working in a bookstore is the temptation to keep buying more books... It is a lot harder to resist them calling your name from the overcrowded and lonely shelves, desperately wanting to be rescued. And naturally, being the book-lover that I am, all I want to do is save these poor books and give them a real home. So while I couldn't save them all, I did manage to add these greats to my personal library-in-the-making:

Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling

Rising Strong by Brene Brown

Postmortem: The Doctor Who Walked Away by Maria Phalime

Wild at Heart & Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

The Invention of Wings by Sue Monk Kidd

We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves by Karen Joy Fowler

Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl

We all have a story to tell

Listen to everyone's story with an open heart and never judge or criticize them if they tell you their deepest, darkest secrets. It takes a lot of courage to open up like that because it exposes all your vulnerabilities and insecurities. 

Out of the shadows

My name is Noma. I am 26 years old, and I live with my family in Port Elizabeth, South Africa.

I started blogging here many moons ago in 2011.  Back then I was a struggling 2^nd year medical student, had just ended a relationship and was feeling very homesick. I needed someone to talk to during a time when I felt isolated. Writing and blogging was a means to express my feelings, emotions and insecurities without wondering how people would react to them. I didn't want to seem vulnerable or weak in the eyes of people around me. So instead I reached out to an anonymous world where I could be myself completely. 

Over the years I have come to understand that vulnerability does not mean weakness, and that it is something that many people struggle with. Vulnerability is beautiful, and it allows connection with others.

I now feel as though this journey is not something that I need to hide anymore. Words are magical and have the power to heal and transform.

This blog is an outward expression of my heart and represents and describes things that hold great meaning for me. Things that resonates with in my heart. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.

 Feel free to leave a comment or just say Hi! J

Happy 2016!

It has been quite a while since I last posted or updated my blog. So many things have happened in the last year that have helped me to grow. Battles have been waged, and battles have been won - but the fight is never over.

I've been struggling to write, because sometimes my mind works overtime, and I would rather it not make concrete the idiosyncrasies that plague me. I would rather have the voices and feelings silenced – even if it is only for a little while.

I've been fighting against the desire to hide. Hide my life. Hide my feelings. Hide my heart. Even though every fibre of my being is longing to reach out. It has always been my knee jerk reaction to retreat away from the outside world.

And so, I have been contemplating sharing this blog, and coming out of the shadows of anonymity. I've been weighing up the pros and the cons but I finally realise that I will never feel completely comfortable being vulnerable with people. So, I should just do it anyway! More on this to follow J

Morph

I’ve been trying to change myself for the longest time.
Trying to grow into something more.
Trying to morph into the perfect form.

This girl in the mirror is not enough.
She has never been enough.

Day after day, I wait.
Day after day I wait,
but nothing ever happens -
I am still the person I've always been;

Feeling smaller,
Slightly less than whole.
Missing pieces
broken off along the way.

-N.M-

Major update!

Last time I posted, I was feeling really stressed out about not yet having heard back from the university about studying this year... 2015 had not started off on a very good foot, and time was already flying by so fast. The last thing I wanted was to spend another year like 2014!

But a few days later I finally received my acceptance to NMMU, and things started moving forward. I was really nervous about staring all over again and I had no idea what to expect. I attended all my orientation activities, chose my subjects and registered! It was a very weird feeling. I could never have imagined being in this situation - studying in my home city, doing anything other than medicine...

Regardless, I decided to see this whole experience as turning over a new leaf. I was getting a chance to change the direction in which my life was going. How often do we actually have the liberty to really start over? So, with some encouragement from my mentor, I kept telling myself to take one little step at a time, and look on the bright side of things. 

Before I knew it things were moving full speed ahead. It must be said that starting university again at 24 is a vastly different experience to starting varsity fresh out of high school at 18. For one thing, I barely knew anyone around me. And for another, I could approach this with the wisdom and maturity that I gained from my previous experience. I feel more comfortable interacting with different people, and competent with my academic abilities. This is a pleasant change for me.

I look forward to the rest of this year and all that it entails.

Facing the unknown - again...

This year has not started off on a great note. It has barely registered that 2014 has ended. Everything has just been so dull for the past couple of months and I have just been trying to get through to the other side - wherever that may be. 

I'm still waiting to hear about my application status from the university. To say that they are dragging things would be an understatement! I really thought that I would have heard back by now. I've tried calling them but they haven't been able to offer me any useful information. I just need to know what is happening - one way or another! 

My anxiety levels have been rising for a while now. Being stuck like this again worries me, and I really wish that I had done more with last year to be better prepared for whatever is still to come.

But wishful thinking doesn't get you very far. I need to start actually making things happen for myself instead of waiting around. I just wouldn't know where to start if it all falls apart again – i.e. how to deal with another rejection... But I know that I can’t go down that dark path right now. 

As hard as it is, I must be patient and have more faith. I am not ready to throw in the chips just yet.

The truth hurts

Days all sift into one, and I can't seem to find any meaning in it anymore. I'm awake all night searching my heart for something more, trying to forget all the waste that I have in my past. Memories haunt me as every detail drifts into my mind unwelcomed bringing up emotions I can't control.

I’ve now come to realise that the only way to get closure is to see the situation exactly as it is, and not try to comfort myself with a front.

The truth hurts sometimes – no doubt. But isn't living in pretense worse? Trying to placate myself only for the time being by spinning stories about the reasons things happened, or why people feel a certain way won’t really help me let go. I just have to accept it the way that it is. 

The paths of our lives

The paths of our lives twist and turn around each other whenever the timing is right.

I miss you.

But I will not call you back in to my life after you have decided to walk out of it. It is time for me to accept that I cannot fight to keep you here. Just know that you will always be loved as a friend. 

But it is under your control whether we keep in contact. There is always a choice. I believed that you would always want a connection between us, but maybe after some time it didn't feel as important to you. 

I read a verse the other day, "Depend not on other people". 

It seems this is a lesson I must learn. 

Love at first sight?

I'm not the type of person you fall in love with at first sight. But I've been told that there is a lightness about me that draws people in. I want to believe this. Maybe I once did. But that was a long time ago. These days I feel as though I am a quite the opposite: a darkness from which everyone runs.

Relationship stuff

I'm not good with any of this relationship stuff. I keep most of my friends at a distance, and they do the same. And eventually it just fizzles out. I have tried so many times. But I just can't seem to get it right. So I think it might be a good time for me to just tap out.