Friday, 27 December 2013

So, I recently told my closest guy friend that I have feelings for him.

Yes, yes, I went there. Just like an episode from that MTV "Friend Zone" thing. Such a cliché on my part, I know. But there you go; my clumsy little heart had a spasm and tripped all over itself. 

But, to be honest, I don't mind nearly half as much as I should that he doesn't feel the same way. Of course it would be nice, but I knew that it was a bit of a stretch.

See the thing is, this is the first time, since my last relationship, that I‘ve actually had real feelings for someone and not been afraid to tell him about it. And that means something to me. That spasm - was my heart truly feeling something again.

It’s weird, but I think I've always kinda had a thing for him. But it was never the right time (for many, many reasons). I told myself that going there (developing these feelings), would just be a bad idea. So I denied it. And made the decision in my mind to not even think about it…

But then we had that moment. At first I really and truly did just think that it was so chilled and not a big deal. Until I started thinking about him and I started to see all the things I previously ignored. So, when he kept asking, I told him. I don’t think I was hiding it too well.

Now, I have to watch everything I say to him. I have to play those silly little games of not texting too much and try to keep my distance. And I hate it. Not to mention how badly I suck at it! I hate waiting to see if he will message me first and I hate keeping my distance to see if he will notice.

We may try to pretend that things haven’t changed, but I sorta feel him pulling away. Perhaps it is my fault for being that open about it all. I should probably say that I would take it all back if I could, and pretend that it really doesn’t mean anything to me. I should probably also try to be one of those girls that just sweeps things easily aside. Nonchalant. Blasé. Blah blah blah….

But I’m not sorry that I told him. And I don’t wish that I could take it all back.

I’ve realised that I will never be the girl that can hold back her emotions and keep it all together. I say the things I shouldn’t. I’ll open my heart to you one day and then shut it the next.  I over react, and under- react, depending on the weather. And I may be a little dramatic and act stubbornly all in the same breath.

I am a perfectly, imperfect mess. And I guess that I always will be, in one form or another. I’m trying to be ok with that.

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