These dreams keep me up at night

The birds have started chirping; marking the end of night and still I am awake. In the distance I hear the sound of what must be the horn of a ship going off every couple minutes. 

I still struggle to fall asleep these days, even though i am feeling completely drained. 

I thought that I had started making progress and dealing with everything that this year has thrown at me. But not too long after some of the dust had settled, was it all just shaken up again. 

Someone recently told me that the only way to get closure is to move on with your life. I'm not sure whether or not I believe this statement. Maybe I just don't really understand what it means to really move on. I have been holding on to so many different things from my past. Have I ever really had any closure? My heart still feels weighed down.

My mentor reminds me that it is still OK to feel this way; as though nothing really makes sense. She is the only person that I feel comfortable showing my real feelings to. And although I am sure she is moved by my pain, it does not change her life. This makes it easier for me. She allows me to be who I am at that very moment. I don’t have to pretend or feel ashamed. 

Arthur Golden

The doctor who walked away | Maria Phalime | TEDxJohannesburg

Best Friend Rights and Responsibilities

"If you’re depressed, I will be there for you.

As everyone knows, depressed people are some of the most boring people in the world. I know this because when I was depressed, people fled. Except my best friends. I will be there for you during your horrible break-up, or getting fired from your job, or if you’re just having a bad couple of months or year. I will hate it and find you really tedious, but I promise I won’t abandon you."

Excerpt from Mindy Kaling's book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) 

Resurfacing

I have been avoiding this blog like the plague. There are many reasons, but mainly because I just wasn't feeling up to expressing all the thoughts that were going through my mind. I put my blinders on and just wanted to get through this year. I was feeling overwhelmed with my life, and very uninspired. But this week the inspiration has slowly been seeping back into my bones and has taken over my heart once again.

And I must admit, it is a really good feeling.

Another reason I couldn't write was because I was getting over someone that I really cared about. It has finally sunken in that he didn't have the same regard for our friendship as I did. I was struggling to understand how things could have changed so drastically between us in just a year. Every word I wrote spilled his name all across my page.

I was uncertain if he was even still reading my blog and I didn't want him in my mind, whilst I was still oblivious as to what was going through his. I didn't want him to know how much he really hurt me. But I have now moved on. There are too many things in my life to worry about. He will not be one of them.

To be honest, I still miss him sometimes. But life goes on. I have come to understand and accept that I am the type of person that doesn't let go of someone very easily. As cliché as this may sound; I love with every fibre of my being. No matter what kind of relationship we have. And this is OK.

So, wherever he is, I hope that he is happy and doing well.

Aside from that, I have been living in my own bubble for the past few months. But I have made a couple really cool friends, and things have started looking up a little for next year. There are still some hard decisions to make, but this year is almost over. I can’t believe it!

Memories cause me pain

But even the pleasant memories bring me pain.

They’ve hurt ever since he left,

Ever since he turned away.

I cringe when I hear his name

My heart breaks when I see his face.

I thought I was in control

But I had it all wrong.
-N.M-