Update: Difficult conversations

I tried speaking to my father about the Au Pair thing, but the whole conversation just upset me. He doesn't understand anything, and I don’t know how to make him see things the way that I do. Instead he just asked a whole lot of questions and undermined the whole idea.

Apparently he is worried that he will have to retire in 3 years and I still won’t have any qualification; and he won’t be able to pay for my studies. He asked whether I was now completely done with medicine, and if there was any way that I could go back to it. He also asked if I had spoken to someone about any other career options.

He said that, without a degree in this country I will have problems finding a good job, and he’s worried that I will end up struggling (financially) in the same way that he has been for most of his life. Then he made an example of my sister (final year Law) that will at least have a degree next year and can decide whether she wants to study further or work.

I stood there almost speechless as he just kept speaking. Yes, I know that he has some valid concerns, but he just wasn't giving me a chance. I started feeling like a complete failure all over again. I felt useless, like a child incapable of making her own decisions and I'm still so confused. 

He is so closed minded, how will I ever be able to make him understand that medicine scares me. I am terrified of who I may become, and of what my life as a doctor will be like. I am afraid of all that responsibility and the pressure of working with people fighting for their lives but still just being helpless and not able to control anything. It's enough to make any one run for the hills. 

And yet I still keep asking myself if I'm just being ridiculous trying to find something that will make me happy.Or maybe my fear is just blocking me from seeing that this really is where my passion lies. I really don't know anymore.

Option 1: Au Pair in America

I have been trying to write this post for a while now. After  a couple of months of trying to figure out my next step, I have decided to pursue the two options that appeal to me the most.

Option 1: Au Pair in America

I’ve always wanted to be able to take some time out to travel and experience life from a different view. This is probably why the idea of Au Pairing appeals to me. I heard about it when one of my childhood friends took a couple years off after matric to go overseas. I think I was in 2^nd year at the time, and didn’t think I’d be getting a gap like this any time soon. But still I secretly dreamed of being able to work and travel one day.

What I find so enticing about this whole thing is the picture that it paints – exploring the world and meeting new people, while still living with a family, getting a decent allowance and looking after some cute kids. And, then also getting the chance to study a short course and explore some interests.

One of my school friends, Dove, took a year off after graduating and went to Au Pair in New York. I speak to her every now and again, and she seems to be doing ok. She says that her host parents are pretty chilled and that she has quite a bit of time off. When put like this, it all sounds great!

But the thing that scares me the most about this is that I have never traveled outside South Africa. And this will require me going miles and miles away from my home all by myself. I think this is one of the biggest risks that I have ever considered. My whole life has been sort of sheltered. Even though I lived in Cape Town, away from home, for 5 years, it didn’t really feel as though I was out there in the world. I lived on an enclosed campus with security patrolling 24/7 and people around me that I could easily trust.

Traveling to the USA will not guarantee me such. It will be a completely different world filled with the unknown and, to be honest, is extremely daunting for me.

So in the fairness of exploring all options, and after some encouragement from my mentor, I have done some research and had a meeting with an agent in the area. She was really nice and told me about all the requirements and fees involved. Although I am still hesitant, I can still work on these things. 

Requirements that I need to work on - 

• 200h child care experience
• Drivers's licence
• Passport

***

If you have any advice, please feel free to share :)

5 Little Grins #2

This is my second time joining the link up from Warrior Queen by Raewyn

 J

"Don't wait until you lose something before you start to appreciate it. Don't take for granted all that God has given to you."  - Ps. Paula White

       

1.      On Tuesday I couldn’t fall asleep at all. Next thing I knew, my sister's alarm clock was ringing at 6 am for her to start getting ready for varsity. So I decided to get out of bed and make coffee for everyone while they got ready for their day. And then I made them lunch! Felt nice to do this for them.

2.      While busying myself in the kitchen, I noticed the sunrise over the distant ocean. It was truly breathtaking!

3.      Baked some really delicious Cinnamon rolls

4.      Had a long awaited night out with my bestie J* and a few of her friends. Started the night off with some Wine Tasting at a nice little wine bar and then went dancing at this club (that I semi-frequented back in my younger days…). Stayed over at her place and spent the next day just chilling and rewatching random Mindy Project episodes. Lazy days after nights out are just the best.

5.      Got in touch with *F again. Was good to talk to him after this month long hiatus.  Turns out that the break was good for me. Whatever reasons he had don't matter so much any more. I no longer need him to get through my issues and I think that those feelings I was fighting have fizzled out. But I also now realize that it is easier to accept that I love him (in that platonic-friendly-kinda-way). Our friendship simply is what it is and I don't want it to be complicated anymore.

6.      On Saturday I had a coffee date with J* and we went for a lovely walk along the beach and through the park. I appreciate this girl so much. She is one of my oldest friends and we have been through so much together.

7.      Now that I think about it, I actually spoke to quite a few of my friends this week. I am not the only one struggling to get on with this growing up thing. Being an adult is tough! But I guess we just have to trust the process and take it one day at a time. 

Clockwise: The sunrise; the park along the beach front;A beautiful day for a walk on the beach; Centre: Red Velvet cake with a Mocha :)

Hope you're having a great start to the week!

What made you happy this week?

"No, I will no longer love the people who poison me."

“

I have spent twenty years letting other people break my heart.

Not tonight. I am taking myself back. No, you cannot kiss me, I know you are only looking for a pair of lips to wash her out of your brainstem. No, you cannot hold me, I know you are only lonely because you refuse to ask out the boy of your dreams. No, I will not write you anymore lovesick poetry, it only makes you live forever. No, I won’t put your needs before mine any longer, you would never do the same for me. No, I will not be another footnote, another forgotten one, another shotglass broken on this floor. No, you cannot have me, not now, not today, not ever again.

I am going to finally be my own person. I refuse to be the shadow of another girl, the bed to keep you warm, the transitional object.

I reclaim myself. I am my own. And you cannot harm me.

”

—	No, I will no longer love the people who poison me. /// r.i.d (viainkskinned)

"Embrace the oddities and hold on to the quirks"