Broken relationships

How is it that friendships can so easily slip through our fingers? How is it that someone can just suddenly withdraw all contact and distance themselves without any explanation?? How was I to know whether or not I had done something wrong? I really thought that our friendship was deeper, and that I actually meant something to him. That is what he told me. Maybe it was all just bullshit.

I am so tired of writing about this, but I am hurt and angry. Maybe also a little disappointed. I really care(d) about him.

I know that I have been a mess lately and sometimes I can be difficult to be around/speak to. I don’t always say the right things and maybe I can be a little strong minded and stubborn. But I will not apologise for that. And I will not apologise for loving him or coming across too strongly.

I didn't need anything from him; I just thought that friendship was about being there for one another. He barely let me know what was going on with him, but whenever he did open up, I was there for him. 

A relationship is a two player game. If you decide to give up, there is nothing I can do. The decision is yours.

I wish I could say that this was the first time that this sort of thing has happened to me. But it’s not. Friends come and go from my life. And I probably have a lot to do with that. The thing that really gets me down, though, is that all these supposedly good friends of mine have never been honest with me and told me upfront what was wrong. I am not an unreasonable person! I will listen to you and try to understand where you are coming from. If you need space or time, or whatever, I will give that to you. But just don’t tell me that you care, when it is so easy for you not to.

I can feel all my walls going up again. Honestly, I thought he’d be the last person to destroy them. But maybe my heart was being a little too hopeful.  Why did I think that he would be different? 

Quote: Be kind to yourself

"Be kind to yourself. Stop telling yourself that whatever you are struggling with "should" be easy. If something is hard for you, it is hard for you. There are probably Reasons, though those may just be how you are wired. Acknowledge these things. When you finish something hard, be proud! Celebrate a little.

And really, just stop saying "should" to yourself about your thoughts and feelings in any context. You feel how you feel. The things in your head are the things in your head. You can't change either directly through sheer force of will. You can only change what you do. Stop beating yourself up for who and what you are right now–it isn't productive. Focus on moving forward."

-Keely Chaisson

Lifeline Session 4: Collage

This week we had to prepare a collage to be discussed in our small group. The objective of the collage was to be a representation of my life and of who I am. This could have been interpreted in any way. 

I found it to be a little bit of a challenge trying to organise the pictures I had gathered. I was determined to do it perfectly. Only afterwards did I realise how my collage came out very structured. One of the facilitators also noticed this and suggested that it might be because I don’t have much structure in my life at the moment. And I think she was right. I was so focused on trying to get the perfect layout and have it all aligned. My pictures were also small, so there were a lot of different things going on, which made it quite a mouthful to explain.

On the first page of the poster, I included some of the things I enjoy doing, such as reading, writing, cooking and baking, dancing, spending time with friends. 

The bottom half represents the way I had been feeling for the past few years especially, and all that I had been going through. The masks I wear, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, constantly fighting against time, lonely and stressed. I was hesitant to include all these images because I think I didn't want to face it all again, and have to share it with the group. But in the end, I was glad that I did. This section actually depicts the real me - behind the smile that I wear to hide all that is really going on.



This section on the middle page shows all the relationships I hope to  have. I want to have a family of my own. I want to have that fairy tail wedding with the white dress. I want to marry a good and honest man that will love me unconditionally. I want to be a mother, spending lots of time with my family.

On the bottom of this page I included pictures of my past. Happy memories with friends and things that make me smile when I think back on those times. I also have a picture of the campus that had been my home for so many years. It left me feeling nostalgic, but also reminded me that my time at medical school was not all bad.

The last page included my aspirations, hopes and dreams. As you can see, this was quite a mouthful. But I am glad that I had the chance to share this with the group.

Every time you desperately wish for something

“Every time you desperately wish for something 
you think you want or need, 
and you do not receive it, 
I believe it is God’s way of telling us 
that it is not good enough. 
I think it is a lesson of patience 
and a sign telling us to wait 
for something better. 
There is a reason you are not 
with that person and 
there is a reason why 
you missed that train on the day 
you were already late. 
There is a purpose
in all these heartaches 
and blessings hiding 
in all this pain and these closed doors.
Today you will question why 
but tomorrow, 
you will begin to understand.”

—	A Story A Day #219 by M.D.L (via mingdliu)

Music: The Sun is Rising by Britt Nicole

When life has cut too deep and left you hurting

The future you had hoped for is now burning

And the dreams you held so tight  have lost their meaning

And you don't know if you'll ever find the healing

You're gonna make it

You're gonna make it

And the night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising

Every high and every low you're gonna go through

You don't have to be afraid, I am with you

In the moments you're so weak you feel like stopping

Let the hope you have light the road you're walking

You're gonna make it

You're gonna make it

The night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising

Even when you can't imagine how

How you're ever gonna find your way out

Even when you're drowning in your doubt

Just look beyond the clouds

Just look beyond the clouds