Small talk

I have come to despise it.

Asking each other automated questions we both don’t care about; replying with automated answers soon to be forgotten anyway. Talking about the weather as if it is the most interesting thing you have discovered all day. Smiles plastered on our faces as if we are as happy as can be.

I think that it has just become social decorum to hide one’s feelings around others. We do this in order to try and get on with whatever it is we are doing and to not disrupt the people around us. Very polite, isn’t it?

I’m currently reading the novel House Rules by Jodi Piccoult. One of the characters is placed in a situation fairly similar to the one that I have just described.

"There are times when Jacobs’s world makes a lot more sense to me than the one the rest of us live in. Why do we ask people how they're doing when we don’t give a crap about the answer?

Is Mr. Jennison asking me that question because he is worried about me, or because It's something to say to fill up the air between us?

“I’m okay,” I say, because old habits die hard.

If I were like Jacob, I would have answered directly: I can’t sleep at night. And sometimes, when I run too fast, I can’t breathe.

But in reality, someone who asks you how you're doing doesn’t want to hear the truth.

He wants the pat answer, the expected response, so that he can go on his merry way."

I could not have said it any better.

This stood out to me because it is very much like the way that I have been feeling lately - either avoiding most social interaction or braving them with quite some effort. I'm not saying that people don’t care. I’m just saying that the truth is sometimes difficult to handle. For both parties involved.

How would you react if someone told you the real truth, instead of what they think that you want to hear? I have no idea how I would react. What if this happened as I was on my way to class? Or late getting to hospital?

I hardly ever tell the truth about how I am feeling. And sometimes I do wish that someone would sift through my mindless reply and see all that I am hiding.

I guess that I long to be completely vulberable in fornt of someone. But I am also too afraid of this. There too many unknown variables. Like, how they would react to the information. To seeing the real you. Would they turn away? Would they expose you to the rest of the world? Would they care?

Not exactly the most positive outlook on life and on people, I know...

I would love to hear what you think.

Feel free to leave a comment below.

"How can I go forward when I don't know which direction I'm facing?"

Things have been tough lately.

 

I have been trying to write a motivation for my readmission application form. But I just don't know how to put the words together. There were so many things that went unnoticed last year. Thoughts and feelings that I just can't explain.

“Why do you consider that you will now be able to make a success of your studies?”

 

 

I stare at this line, and the tears flow.

 

I feel hopeless.

Helpless.

Lost.

Afraid.

Alone.

 

How do I answer this question if I don’t know how I ended up in this position? Things spiralled so completely out of control. I feel as if nothing has changed over the past couple of years, and that I have not learnt my lesson from all of my past failures. I’m still the same person. How do I make them believe in me if I don’t even believe in myself?

There are so many people around me. So many that care. And yet no one that I can turn to for real comfort. The kind where you can just let your guard down and be completely vulnerable. Without worrying about what this person is going to think, how they will react towards you, and how your weakness will affect them.

 

 

I long for someone to hold me while I cry and just simply wipe these tears away.

 

This has been my struggle.

This is where I am most lonely.

No one sees this.

The one person that I trusted enough to be completely vulnerable with has pulled away from me. I honestly thought that he truly cared. I thought he respected me enough to be real, and honest. I let him in, only to see him turn around and run for the hills.

 

I still don't understand what went wrong.

Did I tell him too much?

Did I overstep some imaginary boundary after which he lost all thought and feeling for me?

 

Was he simply telling me only what he thought I wanted to hear?

Was it ever real?

 

It feels as if everyone hurts me at one point or another. As if no relationship lasts forever. They are all just ticking time bombs, waiting to blow up in my face.

That's what these walls are for. A blessing and a curse. They protect me. But along with the bad, they keep out the good too.

Weekly Wishes Challenge 01

This is a great challenge. I was introduced to it by Mary at Secret Obsession.

I want to be a more active blogger. Last year, I let the time slip by unnoticed. I stopped journaling and started avoiding my feelings and everything I was going through. This year I want to focus on self-awareness and truly take care of myself, physically and emotionally. So, I will commit to making a list every Sunday, for the week ahead.

1.       Complete re-admission application form

I have been told that I will have to apply for admission to medical school because of the module that I failed last year (MBChB III) and the modules that I repeated in 2012 (MBChB II). This will require that I explain where things went wrong, and give motivation for why I should be given another chance. This is one of the most difficult things that I will have to do. But the sooner I complete it, the better.

2.       Email my mentor

My mentor is wonderful and really has supported me over the past 3 years. I promised her that I would keep in touch over the holiday, but I haven’t done so. Sometimes, feelings are just too difficult to put into words.

 

3.       Unpack at least one box of files

At the end of each year, we have to completely pack up our rooms and store them away. This is always the biggest mission. I have accumulated A LOT of things over the years. So far I have been good at uncluttering and most things are unpacked and in order. Now all that is left are the 3 or 4 boxes filled with files and papers from the previous years. This year I am keeping things simple, only keeping the absolute essentials, and getting rid of the rest. Goodbye hoarding!

4.       Go for a jog

I want to start being more active. No more sedentary lifestyle for me. Instead of focusing on the number on the scale, as I have been for most of my life, I want to focus on leading a healthy, balanced life.

 

 

This link up is originally by

The Nectar Collective

Update

The reason I came back to campus slightly earlier (on New Year’s Day) was because I had to rewrite a couple exams for one module. Out of the 3 modules I had last year, I only passed the one, and have failed the other. This means that I will have to repeat the year. This is, however, if the reaccept me and allow me to continue with the course.

When I started studying medicine, no one told me that this could happen. But even if they had, I probably would never have thought that I would be in this exact situation: reevaluating my decision to become a doctor; reevaluating my capabilities. I always thought that I was a hard worker. But over the past few years I have doubted that. I question whether I am cut out for this life. Maybe I was just fooling myself into believing that I am good enough.

It’s been tough.

The worst is fighting the demons in your head. No one else can see them except for you. And sometimes, you don’t even see them coming.  

Somewhere, deep inside my heart, a little flicker of hope remains. I want to be optimistic about the results and the possibility of having a month off. But there’s this nagging feeling that it just won’t happen. I’m just so tired of disappointing myself. I’m not sure how much more I can take.

But I still, somehow, need to work up the courage to fight. I will not let this year pass by without making the most of it. 2014 is going to be a year to be proud of, one way or another.

Happy New Year!

Grateful for the blessings of 2013. Thankful to my family and friends that have supported me and helped me through. 

Bring on 2014! 

May God lead the way.