The truth hurts

Days all sift into one, and I can't seem to find any meaning in it anymore. I'm awake all night searching my heart for something more, trying to forget all the waste that I have in my past. Memories haunt me as every detail drifts into my mind unwelcomed bringing up emotions I can't control.

I’ve now come to realise that the only way to get closure is to see the situation exactly as it is, and not try to comfort myself with a front.

The truth hurts sometimes – no doubt. But isn't living in pretense worse? Trying to placate myself only for the time being by spinning stories about the reasons things happened, or why people feel a certain way won’t really help me let go. I just have to accept it the way that it is. 

The paths of our lives

The paths of our lives twist and turn around each other whenever the timing is right.

I miss you.

But I will not call you back in to my life after you have decided to walk out of it. It is time for me to accept that I cannot fight to keep you here. Just know that you will always be loved as a friend. 

But it is under your control whether we keep in contact. There is always a choice. I believed that you would always want a connection between us, but maybe after some time it didn't feel as important to you. 

I read a verse the other day, "Depend not on other people". 

It seems this is a lesson I must learn. 

Love at first sight?

I'm not the type of person you fall in love with at first sight. But I've been told that there is a lightness about me that draws people in. I want to believe this. Maybe I once did. But that was a long time ago. These days I feel as though I am a quite the opposite: a darkness from which everyone runs.

Relationship stuff

I'm not good with any of this relationship stuff. I keep most of my friends at a distance, and they do the same. And eventually it just fizzles out. I have tried so many times. But I just can't seem to get it right. So I think it might be a good time for me to just tap out.

Nostalgia

nos·tal·gia

näˈstaljə,nəˈstaljə

noun

1. "A sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations."

During church last night I was suddenly overcome by an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. It always makes me think of Hillsong Church, and everything about my life back in Cape Town; aside from the studies. I know that I can’t really compare the two churches because they are quite different. But there is just something so much more vibrant about the atmosphere at Hillsong. Walking through those doors was exciting. People boldly lifted up their hands in worship and danced during the more upbeat songs. And I felt more comfortable expressing myself in that way too. Here, the atmosphere often feels a little more subdued. People worship a little differently and seem a little more serious.

It really isn't fair to compare these churches, but I mourn the loss every time I hear a familiar song. But it’s not just the church itself that I miss. I miss fellowship and the little cell group I belonged to. I miss having people to connect with; even if it was just for a couple hours a week.

I also felt so safe on campus. I didn't realise that until this year. I used to complain constantly about how isolated it was and how closed off from the world I was.

But right now, I’m kinda feeling like a tiny fish plucked out it's fish bowl and placed back into the great big ocean.