Post - Exam Update

The past couple of weeks have been filled with many ups and downs.... it feels like a lifetime has passed in a mere two months. But I guess that's how it usually feels around exam time.

I wish that this wasn’t the case though. I wish that I could report back that I found these exams wonderfully challenging. That I was completely prepared and that I used all my time wisely. But sadly, this isn’t the way things ended up. Once again it felt like a struggle to get through. And even so, I’m still left with some doubts in my mind. I pray with all my heart that I can make it through this semester. But I am disappointed in myself. I know that I did not do all the things that I promised myself. I didn’t give it my best shot. 

I have tried to sort out what my (mental) block has been this year. I have even tried putting it aside to focus on what is important to me. But sometimes it still feels too big to move passed and it is almost as if I’m just watching time pass by.

However, I have the next 2 weeks off on an OFFICIAL holiday to try and figure everything out. This time, I have nothing hanging over my head. So, I can just breathe. Guilt free. 

"I wish to remain nameless,

And live without shame.

'Coz what's in a name?

I still remain the same..."

- Florence + The Machine

Caught in the headlights

Sometimes I feel like a deer,
caught in the headlights.
Too stunned to move.
Body frozen in time.
Helpless in the face of danger.
I know I should react -
MOVE! -
Jump out of the way!
Yet here I stand.
Staring straight into the eyes of my doom.
Already accepting defeat.
-N.M-

The waves keep pulling me under...

This, has become my new home… 

Everybody moves on...

The past few times that I have been at home, I always promised myself and a few of my friends that we would get together and have coffee or go out, but we have never really gotten around to doing any of it. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to; it’s just that things didn't really work out. Either they were busy, or something came up on my end. 

On my part, it might also have to do with the lack of confidence that I seem to have these days. Being out of school for 4 years already and still having to say that I am in 2nd year is a bit of a knock to the ego. I know that it’s more complicated than that, but it still stings a little for me. I sometimes feel as if I am stuck in the same place, whereas everyone around me has moved on and has been making a new successful life for themselves.

So now I just think that it’s time to face the reality that being back in town isn’t a life altering event for everyone anymore. And I am OK with that. It was difficult at first, coming home and not having the same crew to call up and hang out with, but I have also realised that even they have all split up and have found where they belong with different people. I'm not saying that I will still not message them every now and again, but we are all at different places in our lives. Some are graduating this year, starting to work, or just trying to get on with each day.

I will always cherish the memories that we share and I wish them all of the best from the bottom of my heart.