"How can I go forward when I don't know which direction I'm facing?"

Things have been tough lately.

 

I have been trying to write a motivation for my readmission application form. But I just don't know how to put the words together. There were so many things that went unnoticed last year. Thoughts and feelings that I just can't explain.

“Why do you consider that you will now be able to make a success of your studies?”

 

 

I stare at this line, and the tears flow.

 

I feel hopeless.

Helpless.

Lost.

Afraid.

Alone.

 

How do I answer this question if I don’t know how I ended up in this position? Things spiralled so completely out of control. I feel as if nothing has changed over the past couple of years, and that I have not learnt my lesson from all of my past failures. I’m still the same person. How do I make them believe in me if I don’t even believe in myself?

There are so many people around me. So many that care. And yet no one that I can turn to for real comfort. The kind where you can just let your guard down and be completely vulnerable. Without worrying about what this person is going to think, how they will react towards you, and how your weakness will affect them.

 

 

I long for someone to hold me while I cry and just simply wipe these tears away.

 

This has been my struggle.

This is where I am most lonely.

No one sees this.

The one person that I trusted enough to be completely vulnerable with has pulled away from me. I honestly thought that he truly cared. I thought he respected me enough to be real, and honest. I let him in, only to see him turn around and run for the hills.

 

I still don't understand what went wrong.

Did I tell him too much?

Did I overstep some imaginary boundary after which he lost all thought and feeling for me?

 

Was he simply telling me only what he thought I wanted to hear?

Was it ever real?

 

It feels as if everyone hurts me at one point or another. As if no relationship lasts forever. They are all just ticking time bombs, waiting to blow up in my face.

That's what these walls are for. A blessing and a curse. They protect me. But along with the bad, they keep out the good too.