Confessions

I told F everything. To say that he was shocked is an understatement. I don’t know why, but he handled it amazingly. And he said that it hasn’t changed the way that he feels about me, but trusts me more now that I was honest and confided in him.  

Honestly, I was too ashamed to tell him. I was afraid that it would change his opinion of me.

But he still loves me.

I just can’t begin to explain how much this means to me. Losing him would have been one of the hardest things to deal with, on top of everything else. This complicated, twisted, unrealistic relationship that we have is just too precious to me. He accepts me, totally and completely. Our friendship always comes first, before all the other mixed up emotions.

I don’t know what could possibly come from holding on to these other feelings that I have for him, but I just don’t feel ready to let go. I know that it is never going to get any easier, and I have to accept that he is not coming back. The hardest thing to deal with is the thought of us never having a future together.

I really wish that things were different. That I had fallen for him sooner, or realised it when he told me how he felt about me last year.

But at the same time, I know that we are currently both where we need to be. The best place for him is at home. And I am probably not in the best position to be concerned with romantic feelings when my future is still hanging in the balance.

How do I move forward from here?  Do we just keep going this way until the feelings fizzle out??  Until we meet someone new?

This is just going to hurt.

I just need to move on with my life. Focus on my studies. Heal this heart that has taken a beating over the past couple of weeks especially.

If something is meant to be, then it will be – one way or another.