Mothers are only human too

My mother has been booked off from work for a month by a psychologist that she has seen about her work problems. Nothing has been resolved since she went back in August. Instead, it has just been getting worse. The psychologist also referred her to see a psychiatrist and she is now taking antidepressants.

This is all difficult to deal with. She pretends that she is OK; that she is just doing this because of the work stuff, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. But I don’t think that she is ready to face that just yet.

I know that this may seem a little delayed, but it’s almost as if I only just recently realised that my mother is struggling to keep everything together. To me, she has always been this really strong woman that has the answers to everything. And it breaks my heart to see her weaknesses.

I can’t help wishing that she would take control of her life and make decisions for herself and not worry about everyone else. But I guess that it is not as simple as that. We (my sisters and I) have always been her number one priority.

Since I have been home, I have distanced myself from her. Our relationship isn't the same as it was when I only saw her a couple weeks at a time. But then again, I am not the same person I was when I left home. And it’s just too difficult to share all of my issues with her. I don’t want her to try and fix me. I need to figure this out on my own. 

I am glad that she has taken these first steps. It takes courage to face your problems head on. And I strongly believe that my mother will get through it all. 

We all will, one way or another.

Unsent letter: Your siblings

To my beautiful sisters

You mean the world to me. And nothing could ever change that. I am so grateful that I was chosen to be apart of your lives. I know that sometimes I might get under your skin and get really annoying but most of the time I don’t mean to be that way. I just try to make things easier for mum. 

I know its different  now that I'm home. We all keep getting in each others way. But we are growing up, and we won't be living like this for much longer. 

I wish things were different for us, but we cant control the hand that we have been dealt in life. we just have to make the most of it. It hasn't been easy, but i believe that you are both destined to be great. so don't sweat the small stuff now. This is all preparing you for future greatness.

Little sister, 
I wish that you would tell me what burdens your heart, and why you shut us all out the way that you do. I mean you no harm. But i worry about you. and i can feel your hatred. I just can't figure out who it's directed at, or what caused it. I hope that in time you will let me in to your world. 

Don't ever think that i will judge you for anything that you do. I will always be here for you. You just need to let me know. 

The greatest moments are when we laugh together. You have a great sense of humour. I hope you know that. And every time you smile, the sun shines a little brighter.

Middle one,
Thank you for all your words of wisdom over the past few years. I have come to appreciate your insights and the way you perceive the world to be. Thank you for listening to my endless drama and for giving your best advice, even though i sometimes struggle to follow it... 

i know that we tend to clash some times. i think my personality can sometimes take up the whole room. i can see how that can get in the way . 

you are so strong. so determined and ambitious. i admire this. you are going to be an amazing lawyer. your heart will save so many. 

I look forward  to what the future has to offer, and to living this life with the both of you. 

Much love, 
Rainb0w

10/03/14

Merry Christmas!

So exciting unwrapping little gifts and spending time with my crazy and slightly (in)sane family. 
As dysfunctional as we may sometimes be, there is nowhere else that I'd rather be.
Wishing you all a blessed day, filled with lots of love and laughter.
Take care and stay safe xxxx

Heading out again...

Spring break is now officially coming to an end and its time for me to head back to campus to finish off this year, once and for all! I'm all packed up and ready to go, bright and early in the morning. It has been too short a holiday, but it has been good to take a breather and see my family again. I got a chance to spend some time with my bestie too and even met some of her friends from varsity.

I'm not going to be all sad about leaving this time, because I know that its just one of those things that I have to do. And I really do love being in that beautiful city. My home away from home.

I will always miss my family, but that doesn't mean that I can't love being away.

When will it all end?

I'm tired -
of listening to the hurt in her voice,
of seeing the pain in her eyes.
It consumes her -
the worry,
the feelings of bitterness.
Losing control of everything around her.

But she keeps fighting -
against the world,
against the reflection in the mirror.
There's no escape -
from all the pain,
from all the conflict that grips and holds on to her soul.

All she wants is to be free -
to live the life she has always dreamed of.

She's been fighting for so long -
for the ones she loves,
for her independence,
to survive in this cruel world.

When will it all end?
-N.M-

My escape

Sometimes it's easier to be here at varsity and not in the middle of everything that goes on at home. I guess it's mostly because nothing seems to be working out for us. My father is away at work in another city on a course, and he seems more distant than ever (emotionally). My mother also has her own fair share of problems with her former employee, that has been ongoing for the past two years now. And because of this we are facing many financial problems. 

Even though we still have a lot to be grateful for, it just feels like we can't catch a break. Is it really too much to ask for? 

I still believe everything happens for a reason. I know that my mother believes that too - no matter what she is faced with. She truly is one of the strongest women that I know and I admire her so much. I just wish that she didn't have to keep fighting against these obstacles that get thrown at her. It's about time that she has a chance to live her life the way she wants to, without anything or anyone hanging over her head.

But anyway, I know we can't predict the future, we have to learn to accept the fact that not everything is under our control. There are far greater powers at work. And He knows exactly what lies ahead for each of us. Sometimes this is really easy to forget. 

So right now, I'm going to focus on studies. This is my escape, and my chance to change things for my future. One day I will be able to help my family and provide for them, not because I need to, but because I want to. Not to live an extravagant life, but to be comfortable within our means. 

In a perfect world...

I love being at home. But it still comes with its own set of problems. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t have to be a part of it all. I know that it is a little unfair for me to say this. But I just can’t deal with it. Why is it that everything is just so difficult? I know that there is a reason for everything, and that God has a plan for our lives, but at the same time I just cant help wondering why it all has to hurt so much.

In a perfect world, we would have everything that we needed.

I'll be there for you

"Even if you're rich, even if your poor, every breath you breathe I'll be there for you. Even if you're strong, even if you’re not, every breathe you breathe I'll be there for you."

- Parlotones

A wonderful day

Today was a much more pleasant day! The sun came out to play and there wasn't a cloud in sight. I live for these days.

This morning I sat outside and did some reading. Then, my mother and I went to fetch my sisters from uni and school.

On the way back we stopped by my mother's cousin and her husband. It was nice to sit there and listen to all their stories about when they were younger, and all the trouble they used to get up to. My mother and all her extended family were really close. They all grew up together and lived in the same neighbourhood. Aunties, cousins, uncles, nieces, in-laws etc. I almost wish that we could have grown up in that kind of environment. As it is right now I don’t see any of my cousins or either of my parents’ family really. They have somewhat grown apart. Lots of history there. So I guess all I can hope for is that my sisters and I have that sort of relationship when we start our own families. I would like to think of their children as my own and vice versa.  

Once we got home I went out for my first jog/walk here at home with my sister. We didn’t quite make it on to the beach but we survived the whole course once. Hopefully soon we’ll be able to jog the whole way. But baby steps for now J

Now I’m off to watch a movie with my little sister – a rare opportunity! I love these little sisterly bonding moments ♥ 

Important Roles - And my goals as each

I wrote this a while ago, but just haven’t published until now. I went to see my mentor for our weekly meeting and we were speaking about the various roles that we all play in our lives. In order to fill each role the best we can, it is important that we have a set of goals for each of them. Things that we hope to achieve in those relationships or in those roles.

The roles that I play in my life include: sister, daughter, medical student, friend, and woman.

Family member

©      Grow a stronger relationship with my sisters and parents

©      Not step on anybody’s toes while I am at home

©      Communicate and speak/ chat regularly

Medical Student

©      Work diligently and be more disciplined

©      Achieve a full bursary

©      Be more confident

©      Attain adequate knowledge

Friends

©      Make new friends and build more relationships

©      Keep in touch with old friends

©      Appreciate close friends and make ways to spend time with them

Woman

©      Exercise regularly

©      Eat healthy, balanced meals

©      Discover something new about myself

©      Develop hobbies and interests

©      Be independent and confident

So far I haven't been able to keep up with these, but it's never too late to start right...