Update

The reason I came back to campus slightly earlier (on New Year’s Day) was because I had to rewrite a couple exams for one module. Out of the 3 modules I had last year, I only passed the one, and have failed the other. This means that I will have to repeat the year. This is, however, if the reaccept me and allow me to continue with the course.

When I started studying medicine, no one told me that this could happen. But even if they had, I probably would never have thought that I would be in this exact situation: reevaluating my decision to become a doctor; reevaluating my capabilities. I always thought that I was a hard worker. But over the past few years I have doubted that. I question whether I am cut out for this life. Maybe I was just fooling myself into believing that I am good enough.

It’s been tough.

The worst is fighting the demons in your head. No one else can see them except for you. And sometimes, you don’t even see them coming.  

Somewhere, deep inside my heart, a little flicker of hope remains. I want to be optimistic about the results and the possibility of having a month off. But there’s this nagging feeling that it just won’t happen. I’m just so tired of disappointing myself. I’m not sure how much more I can take.

But I still, somehow, need to work up the courage to fight. I will not let this year pass by without making the most of it. 2014 is going to be a year to be proud of, one way or another.

In desperate need of some serious retail therapy...

*Sigh what a long couple of weeks this has been... I'm all done with classes for the year, but now I just have to wait for the rest of the 2nd years to finish “Intro to Clinical Medicine” before we start with final exams – on the 22nd November!

I know that I should be grateful for the time that I have to prepare, but I can’t help just wanting to get this all over with. I’m so tired of studying and I still have like 2 weeks of endlessly long days spent in front of books, books and more books!! I think I might just go crazy!! 

And as much as I try, I still find it difficult to keep focused and stick to my study plan. There’s that little voice in the back of my mind that's scared shitless of having to rewrite these exams in Jan next year. 

But I know that I really can’t keep thinking like that. I have come a long way since last year, and it would be a shame to deny all the changes that have happened in my life, by still believing that I am not capable of achieving my goals.  I have grown in my faith and I have a strong support system around me. So all that is left is to just get on with what I need to do. 

Medicine will never be easy, and there will always be challenges. The only thing that will determine my outcome is whether I rise to meet those challenges, or back away with some excuse of not being strong enough or good enough.  

I don’t want to look back at the end of this year and think that I did not do everything that I could to get to where I want to be. 

So I guess that this leaves me with no choice other than to just soldier on… into the trenches I go. This is WAR!

Self-doubt

I screwed up. Again. It's almost as if I'm expecting myself to repeat all the same bad patterns as before. Where I leave all my studying to the last minute and end up wasting so much time; where I fail to stick to my schedule and plan. I've tried being so much more positive this time around, but once again I feel as if I've let myself down.

Things were supposed to be different now, but it seems as if I completely freeze the minute that I see that things are going well for me. And then I sabotage myself and in the end things end up going wrong. Just as I dreaded they would.

How do I stop these negative and self-doubting thoughts and words from getting the better of me? I am generally an optimistic person. I believe the best of everyone and I tend to look at the brighter side if things. So why can't I do this for myself? Wasn't passing my exams last semester proof enough that I can do this, and that I rightfully deserve to be here?? I have worked hard and earned this. This is my glorious obsession! And it's much bigger than I am. God has placed this desire and passion in my heart. I am meant to be here. I truly believe that.

So why do I keep hitting these same walls every time?

The cold front

I can't stop thinking about tomorrow. Monday, 16th of July - the day my June exam results come out. I'm terriefied. There are so many worse case scenario's running through my mind... What if I don't make it again? What if I have to rewrite those modules, or even worse, fail completely?

I know that there is no point in worrying about it now. There's nothing that can be done to change the outcome. But I just feel so disappointed in myself. I know that I didn't work as hard as I should have. I just pray that things are different now. That I managed to get through.

I just need one more chance.

And it doesn't help that I've caught the flu. I felt it coming on a few days ago. It started with a cough. And I'm guessing I didn't make things easier for myself by attempting to walk to the mall on Saturday in this terribly cold weather. Apparently we have been experiencing a cold front all over the country. I didn't get very far tho. It started to drizzle just as I was a few metres away from the gates. The sun was also playing tricks on me, because it started to shine minutes after I got back to my room...

I don't know whether it was just a coincidence, or whether it was fate. I was really looking forward to doing my own thing, roaming around the mall, looking for a gift for a friend, and just being free. The only problem was that it's not the safest walk to do alone. And I was abit weary about it. So maybe I should think of the rain as a blessing in disguise...

I really need to learn how to drive properly and get my licence ASAP! I hate asking people for lifts. And even when I do, I'm always on their time. So I can never truly do as I please. But the whole licence situation is a saga of its own. To be dealt with at a later stage.

Atleast the weekend wasn't all too bad. I felt a bit lousy last night with a stuffy nose and persistent cough, but it's a little better today. Hopefully it will all clear up soon. I watched a couple of movies and series. And even read through some Nephrology for tomorrows' lectures. Let's hope that it pays off.

The sooner I get tomorrow over with, the better.

Post - Exam Update

The past couple of weeks have been filled with many ups and downs.... it feels like a lifetime has passed in a mere two months. But I guess that's how it usually feels around exam time.

I wish that this wasn’t the case though. I wish that I could report back that I found these exams wonderfully challenging. That I was completely prepared and that I used all my time wisely. But sadly, this isn’t the way things ended up. Once again it felt like a struggle to get through. And even so, I’m still left with some doubts in my mind. I pray with all my heart that I can make it through this semester. But I am disappointed in myself. I know that I did not do all the things that I promised myself. I didn’t give it my best shot. 

I have tried to sort out what my (mental) block has been this year. I have even tried putting it aside to focus on what is important to me. But sometimes it still feels too big to move passed and it is almost as if I’m just watching time pass by.

However, I have the next 2 weeks off on an OFFICIAL holiday to try and figure everything out. This time, I have nothing hanging over my head. So, I can just breathe. Guilt free.