"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen"

I feel completely alone, with no one to turn to. I’m wracking my brain trying to think of a friend to open up to, but no one comes to mind. I’ve kept everyone at arm’s length for so long that I don’t know how to be any other way. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with, without me falling apart in front of them. Nobody needs to see that.

Part of me wants to reach out to *F again, but the other half is stubborn and keeps reminding me that he really hasn’t been there for me lately. He doesn’t message or call anymore, and barely responds when I do. I’m tired of going through those same motions with him.

It has been a really difficult couple of months. I'm having another one of those sleepless nights crying into my pillow, feeling completely hopeless. 

The topic of tonight is time, once again, and how quickly it is running out. Also, I’ve realised that I have no clue who I really am behind this happy mask I’ve been wearing for most of my life. 

For most of my life, I have been described as a happy child, always with a smile on my face. Someone who is warm and inviting. And although this is true about me, I just doubt whether I really know what it means to be happy with this life. Yes, I have felt happiness, but it's always fleeting - here one moment, gone the next. 

How would people see me if I wasn’t pretending to be OK? What would they think of me if they knew I was falling apart? How do you react to that? I must admit that I don't know how to respond to this either because my close friends don’t talk to me about their personal issues/ feelings. Boys are an easy issue to discuss and complain about, but it's the true feelings that are harder to put in to words. 

I'm supposed to be figuring everything out during this year off, but I don't even know where to start looking for the right answers. I feel as though I have been searching in all the wrong places, and coming up short at every turn. 

This is making me feel a little panicked, as though I need to start making those decisions now. It's already August! Applications close in September and I just can't see how to get from here to there in one piece. It's really difficult to be patient. 

I'm just so tired. Thursday can't come soon enough. 

A little bit of hope

For a while I have not able to get out much, mostly because of financial restraints and because I don’t have my driving licence yet. And instead of trying, I have been avoiding all social contact all together. I think that I am still waiting for things to get easier and start falling in to place, even though I know that is not how things usually work out. 

I saw a student counsellor at the university last month, with the hope that she would help me find out about more possible options. But after making a list of values and things I want from a career, the rest of the conversation revolved around Medicine. She had the idea that doing anything else would not bring me full satisfaction, and instead I would just be settling. I think she was trying to motivate me to give it another try. But I was/am not convinced. She didn't really understand where I was coming from and I left feeling even more confused and hurt. She even tried talking me out of studying psychology, because according to her, it would not be worth it in the end.

I remember coming home and just crying for a few minutes, feeling as though I was just right back where I started, with no way to move forward.

The other day, I was searching the internet, looking for some kind of support group in the area and I stumbled across the Lifeline website. I phoned the organisation and they told me about a Personal Growth course that they offer for 8 weeks which starts on the 24th July. I am feeling very nervous about it and I have no idea what to expect, but I am hoping that this will help me deal with all the things that I am having trouble letting go of and also help me to move forward. I don't want to hold on to the past any more. 

Half life

“Don’t call it a life, this half-hearted wandering through all of your days.”- Tyler Knott Gregson

I’m tired of this half-life that I have been living the past couple of days especially. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. It’s difficult for me to say this out loud, but I can’t help hating everything about my life, and I can’t see any way forward. I hate that I am living under this dark cloud of negativity, and I feel no motivation or drive to change anything.  I feel hopeless.

I almost ran into my ex, Guji, the other day. This city is way too small.  My friends and I were standing right behind him and his girlfriend. The second that I realised it was them, I turned right around and half ran to a safe distance away, dragging everyone with me. It was a gut reaction; my heart was beating so fast I didn’t have a chance to think it through. It was awful. I feel completely unequipped to deal with my life right now.

Is it too much to ask that my life be simple and easy? That is what this year was supposed to be about, fixing things and finding happiness, but I can barely get through a day without feeling drained and miserable.

I want to run. To run far, far away but I’m just too scared. I’m tired of having these same issues and of using the same excuses to avoid dealing with things. My heart is broken. I feel so completely broken, and I don’t know how to fix any of it.  

In search for purpose, follow your passion

I need to remind myself that the search for passion may not be understood by everyone around me here, and although it may also take up time now, it is something that I want for myself. It may be easier to settle, but for some reason, I don't think things will ever really be easy. So maybe it is better for me to struggle now to find what I love. Otherwise, I fear that I will end up fighting with myself because I missed the chance to experience life. I don't want average, or mediocre. 

I refuse to settle. 

Stuck in the rain

clooneytoons.blogspot.com

There are so many things in my heart that I wish to pour out here, but I just don’t know where to start. There is clearly no right answer to the questions that have been plaguing my mind. But I am tired of showing my weakness. I am afraid of rejection. My insecurities still plague me. 

And I guess it doesn't help when someone you care so much about starts emitting radio silence.

But this isn't about that.

I’m out of place, and I don’t know where it is that I belong. I don’t know which way to turn next, and I don’t know how to make decisions that I feel comfortable with. My past failures still linger over me, and as much as I try to let go, I just can’t shake this feeling.

I am trying to be patient with myself, but that is a struggle of its own. 

Quote: Don't confuse your path with your destination...

Truth be told

If I am truly honest with myself, I have known for a while that this place has not been good for me. 

A part of me feels relieved.  

I can’t imagine constantly struggling in this environment for the next few years of my life. It is not good for this fragile heart of mine.

I have just been in denial for so long; too afraid to accept the possibility of this not being the right path for me. yes I am still terrified. I don’t know how my future is going to unfold now. I have no  plan. No degree. No career.

But instead of focusing on all the negatives, I am going to choose to focus on all the good that has come from being here for the past 5 years. 

I have grown to love Cape Town. I have made some amazing friends that I am honoured to call family. They have supported me and helped me through such difficult times in my young life. My faith has grown stronger in the past year alone. Yes, it has been difficult and I have made some mistakes along the way, but I have refused to give it up. God's grace and mercy is enough. I will always cherish the lessons that I have learnt.

It is funny how things work out eventually. His timing is truly perfect. I do not believe that all of these things could have happened any other way. 

It had to be like this. 

I asked God to guide me through this and to show me the right path. So now I will trust that he has. Last night, someone I know in a similar situation to me, told me that she had not been reaccepted. This was before I found out myself. I found myself sending her a message that I needed to be reminded of myself:

“We must just keep believing that God’s plan is best for us. Even though we don’t understand why things happen in the ways that they do. Give yourself some time to recover. You are so much stronger because you have held on for so long. Do not doubt this. It has been difficult to keep going after the defeats that we have been through. But you have never given up. Remember that."

I believe this with all my heart.

My mentor has been one of the greatest support systems over the past few years. She says that she feels a bit relieved for me, because she has seen how difficult things have been. She believes that even though I do have the ability to make a great doctor, the reason I have struggled for so long is because my heart just has not been happy. It has been depressed. It has not been restrained for the longest time. I felt stuck, going nowhere.

And I have seen the damage.

So, she suggests that I take the next 6 months off. A gap year of sorts, and take some time to heal and rediscover what truly brings me joy. I have lost my identity over the last couple of years. 

I know that my life is not going to be easy, but it doesn’t have to be a constant battle. God has called me back home for a reason. It is time to embrace this decision and make the most of my time by enjoying life and finding some excitement.

I don’t know how my life is going to unfold. But I now have the freedom to reconnect with God and listen to His voice. I will follow where He guides me. 

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead

I had a meeting with my mentor again today. 

She asked me if I could honestly tell her that I still wanted to study medicine.  This is not the first time that we have spoken about this and she is not the first person to ask. Every other time I just give my default answer – Yes, without thinking about it. Because saying no would warrant an explanation.  an explanation that I don’t have yet; one that I am afraid of.

However, this time, I realised that I couldn't answer her. Instead, with tears running down my face, I told her that I don’t know any more. For the first time, I allowed myself to feel the uncertainty, without blocking it out. I have started facing my true feelings about being here, in a place that has just made me the unhappiest I have ever been.

I feel as if I’m just rolling with the punches and just submitting to this beating that life has been dishing out.

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead. But is it really? It hurts. It hurts so much that I've learnt how to dull the pain. To give up all feeling. There comes a point when you start to run out of tears from all the crying. You realise that crying makes you feel miserable and it doesn't fix anything.

I am so scared of making a decision about whether I should stay or go that I have given it up to the university to decide my fate.

What happens if they tell me that I can continue my studies? Will I be happy? And what if they tell me that I can no longer study here? Will I feel relieved? Will that make me happier?

I guess this leaves it up to me to really think about what will make me happy. 

I don’t know what I will do if I leave this place but I also don’t know what will change if I stay. This is the uncertainty that I am struggling with. I don’t know what I’m meant to do with my life anymore. I used to be so certain about all of this.  

If I quit, I feel as if I will never get a degree or have a career. I will have nothing to account for the past 5 years of my life. But if I continue, how will I get through another year without further ruining my life by making very bad decisions?

I’m still trying to figure out why certain things have happened. My poor heart has taken such a beating already. It’s almost as if I have given up a little of my faith.  I think that I feel nothing because otherwise I would break completely. It seems that everything is spinning out of control. Fast. This feeling of hopelessness is turning into destruction.

Every day in class I look around at all these people that I barely know. All of them seemingly doing well. Do they see the failure that fills my heart? that I can’t seem to escape from? And every time I try to study, it’s like I don’t know what I should be doing. 

I just don’t know how to make this work.                                                                       

Quote

Letting things go

I keep thinking of constantly being surrounded by water.

I'm holding on to negative emotions, experiences, baggage, relationships, that just keep dragging me under. It’s almost as if I hold on to all these things in the hope that they will help me stay afloat and save me from drowning.

But these things don’t save me.

Instead they drag me under.

Deeper and deeper down.

But still, I hold on.

Because letting go of them just seems so much scarier. 

I'm afraid of drifting into the dark unknown depths…

'

While I was writing this, I started to realise a few things.

What if letting go allowed me to break free from all these things that I have chained myself to?

What if it releases you, and instead of sinking, you slowly start to float to the surface?

Finally, you can come up for air.

Breathe.

And suddenly see that you are a lot closer the land than you think.

Life can sometimes really get you down

Sometimes find myself in tears, not really knowing why.

Everything should be fine.

But there always seems to be something that is just not quite right.

I go through every day wishing and longing for something that seems to be missing. This is puzzling, because I have all that I need. I no longer have major financial problems, and my mother recently got her job back. I have a great group of friends. I'm getting more and more involved in church and at our campus fellowship gatherings.

So why does it still sometimes feel as if I am losing control of my life?

My academics just keep getting the better of me. Studying feels impossible. It is a miracle that I have been passing so far this semester.

I am terrified of upcoming exams. I'm afraid I am going to mess everything up and have to repeat another year. I feel crippled some times, as if my mind is blocked off.

So many times I have heard that I just need to hold on to hope and walk with God, because in our weakness His strength is made perfect. There is no problem too big for His grace. I truly believe this. I pray for the strength to keep holding on and turning to His word. He loves me and He will never let me go.

A friend of mine is also struggling with her negativity and trying to overcome it by writing down 4 things that truly make her happy each day. I want to start doing this too. I believe that miracles happen every second, but I sometimes find that I hardly notice them because my eyes are blinded to all the good and tend to focus on all my shortcomings.

I want to enter into a season of relentless positivity in all aspects of my life. I want my mind to be changed from its very core, deep in my soul. My life is worth so much more than I give myself credit for.