A little bit of hope

For a while I have not able to get out much, mostly because of financial restraints and because I don’t have my driving licence yet. And instead of trying, I have been avoiding all social contact all together. I think that I am still waiting for things to get easier and start falling in to place, even though I know that is not how things usually work out. 

I saw a student counsellor at the university last month, with the hope that she would help me find out about more possible options. But after making a list of values and things I want from a career, the rest of the conversation revolved around Medicine. She had the idea that doing anything else would not bring me full satisfaction, and instead I would just be settling. I think she was trying to motivate me to give it another try. But I was/am not convinced. She didn't really understand where I was coming from and I left feeling even more confused and hurt. She even tried talking me out of studying psychology, because according to her, it would not be worth it in the end.

I remember coming home and just crying for a few minutes, feeling as though I was just right back where I started, with no way to move forward.

The other day, I was searching the internet, looking for some kind of support group in the area and I stumbled across the Lifeline website. I phoned the organisation and they told me about a Personal Growth course that they offer for 8 weeks which starts on the 24th July. I am feeling very nervous about it and I have no idea what to expect, but I am hoping that this will help me deal with all the things that I am having trouble letting go of and also help me to move forward. I don't want to hold on to the past any more. 

I think I ruined my heart

As I sit here, trying to draw up a study schedule and get everything in order, I'm overwhelmed by a wave of tiredness that sweeps over me. I'm consumed by all this negative energy that is trapped within me. I feel slightly weak, heavy and weighed down, barely able to breathe freely.

I need a real plan. One that will overcome all the obstacles I see ahead of myself.

I need help.

It’s like this past year has been a really bad dream. As if at any moment now I will wake up and start living my real life. This doesn't feel real. This isn't how my life is supposed run. This isn't who I’m supposed to be. The past is a blur of nothingness. Time passed unnoticed, while I was staring into space, slowly losing touch of myself.

Once again I am confronted by my own inadequacy. Failure feels like a cloud that constantly looms over head, everywhere I go, waiting to explode.

I think I ruined my heart. I closed it off. Forbid it to feel anything. Forbid it from feeling pain. And now it has changed and I no longer feel. Happiness is fleeting. Love is an emotion that seems foreign in practice. I still remember the theory of it all, but it just feels implausible.

How is it possible that I didn't see all this coming? How is it that I couldn't prevent myself from falling into this very wide ditch again?

All the signs were there. It’s not as if I didn't recognise the landmarks. I've been here before. So why did I just keep lurching forward blindly, throwing caution to the wind?

It’s almost as if I destined myself to fail. Lost all hope and gave in to the voices that said I was not good enough.

I know it’s not true. I just wish that someone would tell that to my mind and help me fix my heart again. 

Time passes

Idly staring into space,

Time passes.

Slipping out from my grasp.

Drifting further and further away from me.

Time I can never get back.

I should do something. React in some way.

But here I stand.

Frozen,

Crippled by fear.

Disconnected from this reality.

Tears slowly running down my face, unnoticed.

Barely holding myself together,

Just moments from falling apart.

But Time waits for no one.
-N.M-

Everyone wants to escape sometimes

The minute you think of giving up...

When will it all end?

I'm tired -
of listening to the hurt in her voice,
of seeing the pain in her eyes.
It consumes her -
the worry,
the feelings of bitterness.
Losing control of everything around her.

But she keeps fighting -
against the world,
against the reflection in the mirror.
There's no escape -
from all the pain,
from all the conflict that grips and holds on to her soul.

All she wants is to be free -
to live the life she has always dreamed of.

She's been fighting for so long -
for the ones she loves,
for her independence,
to survive in this cruel world.

When will it all end?
-N.M-

"There are going to be days..."

There are going to be days when you won’t have the energy or drive to get out of bed. There are going to be days when you’re going to want to give up – give up on love, life, or school. The thing is, you’re not allowed to give up. You were given a life and you’re supposed to live it. The truth is the seventy or eighty years that you’re given isn’t long enough to do the things you’re supposed to do. Sure, you’re gonna hit a few bumps along the way, but you’ve got to pick yourself up and move on. Life is unpredictable and things might not always work out the way you want them to, but that’s no reason to give up. You’re here for a reason and someday when you’re not expecting it, you’re going to discover your reason for being here. And when that does happen, your life will never be the same again. - unknown

livelifehappy.com

Self-doubt

I screwed up. Again. It's almost as if I'm expecting myself to repeat all the same bad patterns as before. Where I leave all my studying to the last minute and end up wasting so much time; where I fail to stick to my schedule and plan. I've tried being so much more positive this time around, but once again I feel as if I've let myself down.

Things were supposed to be different now, but it seems as if I completely freeze the minute that I see that things are going well for me. And then I sabotage myself and in the end things end up going wrong. Just as I dreaded they would.

How do I stop these negative and self-doubting thoughts and words from getting the better of me? I am generally an optimistic person. I believe the best of everyone and I tend to look at the brighter side if things. So why can't I do this for myself? Wasn't passing my exams last semester proof enough that I can do this, and that I rightfully deserve to be here?? I have worked hard and earned this. This is my glorious obsession! And it's much bigger than I am. God has placed this desire and passion in my heart. I am meant to be here. I truly believe that.

So why do I keep hitting these same walls every time?

Sometimes I give up before I start, because quitting seems easier than having to face failure.

Caught in the headlights

Sometimes I feel like a deer,
caught in the headlights.
Too stunned to move.
Body frozen in time.
Helpless in the face of danger.
I know I should react -
MOVE! -
Jump out of the way!
Yet here I stand.
Staring straight into the eyes of my doom.
Already accepting defeat.
-N.M-