The paths of our lives

The paths of our lives twist and turn around each other whenever the timing is right.

I miss you.

But I will not call you back in to my life after you have decided to walk out of it. It is time for me to accept that I cannot fight to keep you here. Just know that you will always be loved as a friend. 

But it is under your control whether we keep in contact. There is always a choice. I believed that you would always want a connection between us, but maybe after some time it didn't feel as important to you. 

I read a verse the other day, "Depend not on other people". 

It seems this is a lesson I must learn. 

Resurfacing

I have been avoiding this blog like the plague. There are many reasons, but mainly because I just wasn't feeling up to expressing all the thoughts that were going through my mind. I put my blinders on and just wanted to get through this year. I was feeling overwhelmed with my life, and very uninspired. But this week the inspiration has slowly been seeping back into my bones and has taken over my heart once again.

And I must admit, it is a really good feeling.

Another reason I couldn't write was because I was getting over someone that I really cared about. It has finally sunken in that he didn't have the same regard for our friendship as I did. I was struggling to understand how things could have changed so drastically between us in just a year. Every word I wrote spilled his name all across my page.

I was uncertain if he was even still reading my blog and I didn't want him in my mind, whilst I was still oblivious as to what was going through his. I didn't want him to know how much he really hurt me. But I have now moved on. There are too many things in my life to worry about. He will not be one of them.

To be honest, I still miss him sometimes. But life goes on. I have come to understand and accept that I am the type of person that doesn't let go of someone very easily. As cliché as this may sound; I love with every fibre of my being. No matter what kind of relationship we have. And this is OK.

So, wherever he is, I hope that he is happy and doing well.

Aside from that, I have been living in my own bubble for the past few months. But I have made a couple really cool friends, and things have started looking up a little for next year. There are still some hard decisions to make, but this year is almost over. I can’t believe it!

There are over a billion people in this world...

Why is it that I am holding on to someone that is so far outside my reach? Wouldn't it be so much easier and more sensible to just go out and find someone closer, more available? Why do we cling to the old, when we know that it only hurts more the tighter we hold on? There are over a billion people in this world; surely there must be someone around here that would make a good new friend. Instead I fight with my past for something that may not be in my future.

But I guess that it’s not that simple. Relationships are connected to emotions and feeling, so sometimes it’s just not that easy to let go. The heart reaches out and makes connections with people on a deeper level and it takes our brains some time to figure out why that is. 

Yes, I believe that people cross our paths for a reason, but I struggle with knowing when our paths are no longer aligned, and when it’s time to move on.

Sometimes the heart is ready to let go, but we are not brave enough to let that happen. We are creatures of habit, and are usually afraid of change. So naturally, we find making new relationships a little daunting. We are afraid to start all over because there is fear in the unknown.

But it is far more important to surround yourself with people that you can trust, and that you feel comfortable opening up to; someone that can be there for you when times are tough. 


Friendships are not always going to be a walk in the park, but they do require effort from all parties involved. Only fight for someone who is willing to fight for you too. I need to realise that I can't keep holding on to relationships that only hurt me more and more every day. 

Lifeline Session 1: Out of the darkness

I started attending a Personal Growth Course through Lifeline Community Wellness Centre. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I am honestly very glad that I found the course.

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to move forward with my life, and get over some of my painful past experiences. I feel stuck and I just don’t know how to deal with these overwhelming emotions.

Basically, this course is a journey towards greater self-awareness and self-discovery. The main goals are to gain greater self-insight, to learn to accept yourself and your feelings, to communicate more effectively, to expand your ways of relating and responding to others and to know yourself more fully.

Exactly what I need! My reasons for doing the course are:

- To figure out my true identity apart from once being a medical student

- To meet new people that are also facing similar challenges

- To find my purpose

- To make new friends

- To find joy within myself

- To let go of my past and move on with life.

- To help me become a mature and confident young woman

- To help me face my fears head on

- To help me start taking risks.

- To start healing all these scars from my past

We were allocated to smaller groups to discuss the different exercises for each session. One of today's tasks was to draw a picture of ourselves, and where we are in our lives. This is a very revealing exercise because even though one doesn’t have the skills of an artist, the image still comes across quite vividly.

It was quite something to listen to each person describing their pictures and to be able to open up, emotionally, to a group of strangers that I had only just met. I felt comfortable telling them all that had been weighing heavily on my heart the past couple days. Once I had started speaking, the tears just came - but I wasn’t embarrassed in any way. It was freeing to let it all out. They offered encouragement, and shared some of their own personal experience in similar situations. 

It’s time to move out of this darkness that I have been hiding in, and to accept that this is my life; I can’t silently wish it were different if I am not going to get up and do something to change it. I want to make the most of what I have been given, and be grateful for every blessing.

This is not about simply smoothing over the surface, hiding away my issues or making everything appear better. It's not even about trying to put a smile on my face and being be more positive. It's much more than those fancy quotes that I love, that tell you that everything will be OK one day; it is about building my self-confidence and truly believing in myself, with no doubts or second guessing.

It is time to change the things that make me unhappy - even if I just take one small step at a time.

Quote: An unresolved past

Truth be told

If I am truly honest with myself, I have known for a while that this place has not been good for me. 

A part of me feels relieved.  

I can’t imagine constantly struggling in this environment for the next few years of my life. It is not good for this fragile heart of mine.

I have just been in denial for so long; too afraid to accept the possibility of this not being the right path for me. yes I am still terrified. I don’t know how my future is going to unfold now. I have no  plan. No degree. No career.

But instead of focusing on all the negatives, I am going to choose to focus on all the good that has come from being here for the past 5 years. 

I have grown to love Cape Town. I have made some amazing friends that I am honoured to call family. They have supported me and helped me through such difficult times in my young life. My faith has grown stronger in the past year alone. Yes, it has been difficult and I have made some mistakes along the way, but I have refused to give it up. God's grace and mercy is enough. I will always cherish the lessons that I have learnt.

It is funny how things work out eventually. His timing is truly perfect. I do not believe that all of these things could have happened any other way. 

It had to be like this. 

I asked God to guide me through this and to show me the right path. So now I will trust that he has. Last night, someone I know in a similar situation to me, told me that she had not been reaccepted. This was before I found out myself. I found myself sending her a message that I needed to be reminded of myself:

“We must just keep believing that God’s plan is best for us. Even though we don’t understand why things happen in the ways that they do. Give yourself some time to recover. You are so much stronger because you have held on for so long. Do not doubt this. It has been difficult to keep going after the defeats that we have been through. But you have never given up. Remember that."

I believe this with all my heart.

My mentor has been one of the greatest support systems over the past few years. She says that she feels a bit relieved for me, because she has seen how difficult things have been. She believes that even though I do have the ability to make a great doctor, the reason I have struggled for so long is because my heart just has not been happy. It has been depressed. It has not been restrained for the longest time. I felt stuck, going nowhere.

And I have seen the damage.

So, she suggests that I take the next 6 months off. A gap year of sorts, and take some time to heal and rediscover what truly brings me joy. I have lost my identity over the last couple of years. 

I know that my life is not going to be easy, but it doesn’t have to be a constant battle. God has called me back home for a reason. It is time to embrace this decision and make the most of my time by enjoying life and finding some excitement.

I don’t know how my life is going to unfold. But I now have the freedom to reconnect with God and listen to His voice. I will follow where He guides me. 

Emotions running wild

I sometimes wish that I could record the conversations that I have with my middle  sister. She tells me things that I need to hear, no matter how difficult it is.

My emotions are currently all over the place. I guess that it has to do with all the stress that I've been under lately, and I have not been dealing with them appropriately.

I need space away from *F. As much as I don’t want to hurt him, I am allowing him to hurt me. We had a fight the other night about his ex-girlfriend who is now “one of his closest friends”. He told her some things about our relationship that I feel are none of her business. But he says that he owed it to her to explain everything. It makes me angry because I feel that she has no right to know intimate details about us.

The whole thing left me wondering if there are still feelings shared between them. Can I truly trust that he is being completely honest when he tells me that there isn't anything there? Why else would she be jealous? It doesn't make sense to me. 

As much as she is his best friend now, they have still shared a lot together. A lot more than he and I ever will. I think that this is what makes me upset the most. But I, apparently, have no right to feel this way either.  

So this is why I really need to stop the delusions that I have going on in my head.  And the best way I know how, is to stop sharing my life with him. I need to draw some boundaries in my life and start taking care of myself first. I can’t allow emotions to determine all decisions I make.

There are so many other things that I have to focus on now. I need to let my brain take control and start looking after my heart.

I need to be stronger and pull myself together; build myself up. it is time to take control of this situation.

It is time to move on with my life. 

On Monday, I will find out whether or not I can continue studying medicine. Whatever they decide, my life will have to change.

No more dwelling on things that I have no control over. 

20 Things to let go of before the New Year

 Blog post from: Mind Body Green

1.  Let go of all thoughts that don't make you feel empowered and strong.

2.  Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.

3.  Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

4.  Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.

5.  Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

6.  Let go of blaming anyone for anything; be accountable for your own life. If you don’t like something, you have two choices, accept it or change it.

7.  Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.

8.  Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

9.  Let go of being the “go-to person” for everyone, all the time; stop blowing yourself off and take care of yourself first … because you matter.

10.  Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

11. Let go of thinking there's a right and wrong way to do things or to see the world. Enjoy the contrast and celebrate the diversity and richness of life.

12. Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.

13. Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.

14. Let go of anger toward ex lovers and family. We all deserve happiness and love; just because it is over doesn’t mean the love was wrong.

15. Let go of the need to do more and be more; for today, you've done the best you can, and that's enough.

16. Let go of thinking you have to know how to make it happen; we learn the way on the way.

17. Let go of your money woes — make a plan to pay off debt and focus on your abundance.

18.  Let go of trying to save or change people. Everyone has her own path, and the best thing you can do is work on yourself and stop focusing on others.

19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding.

20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are. Celebrate you!

Unsent Letter: Your ex

Dear Guji,

I know that its been many months now, 

but from the bottom of my heart, 

i just want to wish you happiness. 

May you be true to yourself 

and find the love that you are looking for. 

Rainbow